1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Being a Martyr?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by localfwbguy, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. localfwbguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2012
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi, I am in a hetero relationship and care for this person deeply. We have been together for 2 years. I al also coming to realize and acknoledge that I am not completely straight. I guess I figured I was straight with curiosities. I have a fetish for men nearly 40 years my senior. Basically, I have little sexual desire for my significant other anymore. I think a lot of it is anxiety, nerves, intimacy fear, etc. We have had great sex which I enjoy, and very frequently when our relationship began. She knows all of this about me, and she still loves me and wants to stay together. I love her, and would love to stay with her, marry, grow old, etc. But I fear I may be in denial and not be able to function sexually with her down the road. I am seeing a therapist for help sorting myself out.

    Basically, I have alot of fear, and self pity about my situation. I have never had feelings for a male like I've had for my girlfriend, and honestly not to excited about trying to pursue a relationship with a 60yo man. Sure, a sexual one could probably happen but there is more to a relationship than just "doing it". So, I've been thinking about formerly breaking up completely with my gf. I don't deserve her love, and I dont need to string her along because it doesn't look like my old man fetish is going away. I've had it for a number of years. I see myself being very lonely in life. I know we will both be hurt, and she will find another. I on the other hand, probably won't. I'll probably do my best to remain celibate and single. Am I being dramatic? Do you think that playing the martyr is a bad idea?
     
  2. KTWK

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2013
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    These situations are difficult to give advice on, because we do not know everything and it is impossible for you to put down everything and convey all of your emotions, feelings, and experiences to anyone. But I can hope to provide some clarity, and try to help you come to an answer on your own.

    I think that if YOU think it is best to break up with her, go ahead and do it. But if you would like to marry her and be with her for the rest of your life, do it. Think about whether you are unhappy with her, or just want to explore the side of your fetish a bit and are afraid of missing out on it. I'm not specifically advertising infidelity, but there are ways to explore without ending your relationship forever, remember this. If you are more afraid of not being able to be adequate for her, and you think it is best to break up with her, then explain to her what you're doing and why. Don't just leave her hanging with an "I'm gay, goodbye," type message.

    As for being celibate the rest of your life, if you do choose to end it with her, there is no reason to do this. No one will benefit from this, yourself included! It sounds like you're depressed and thinking without her there will be no one else for you, and perhaps you should give up on trying to find others. Time will heal you, and you will look when you are ready. Just remember to keep your mind open, and explore what you want to. Relationships often come where you least expect, in the places you'd never think to look.

    Good luck, and best wishes. Remember that you are not alone, many others have sooooo similar situations.
     
  3. PeteNJ

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2012
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    NJ
    Take it one day, one step at a time.

    Whether you can work on the stuff thats in your head better alone or with your girlfriend, only you know. (my opinion, awful hard to do when someone else sees herself as your significant other).

    I would suggest you look at shorter mileposts that "the rest of your life" before declaring yourself celibate, or, anything else.

    For instance, you're going to work hard on this with your therapist for 6 months, during that time you're going to focus on you and not sex. Maybe you'll slip and have sex. So what, but you'll have focused more on you than you would have otherwise.