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Friend wants to set me up?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mike19, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. mike19

    Regular Member

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    Okay, so according to my friend, his girlfriend might try to set me up with one of her friends. I've told them both that I'm not looking for, or am even interested in a relationship, but apparently that wasn't enough. I'm in university and don't want the baggage of a relationship slowing me down any more than my own problems already are.
    Neither of them know that I (think I might be) gay, and so I don't want to turn down the possible set-up by explicitly saying that I'm gay.

    I'm thinking of telling my friend, and I know he'd be cool with it, but the fact is that I'm not even sure about my sexuality myself. I know there would definitely be questions coming from him that I would rather not, and some I wouldn't even know how to answer. I think of telling him every time we're alone, but the next day I'm always so glad that I ended up not bringing it up.

    Now I'm feeling like I have to tell him SOON. What do?
     
  2. Iceman110295

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    My advice it to try new things, I really don't if I’m gay or not but if you don’t try new things than you won’t know if you like boys or girls more. Try doing some secret dates with guy since you’re not out and see if it’s better.
    And with the friend thing most people you tell will ask you question about how you know you’re gay but just tell him. I’ll tell you more when I’m ready
    Hope this don't sound dumb
     
  3. Akatosh

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    My first several years at my university were dateless, because I was confused about my sexuality as well. I had a huge hunch I was gay, and knowing that made me distract myself from the issue. I can honestly say that I wish I had come out when I went to school, and still have regrets for not doing so. I think my life would be a lot different, and possibly better, than it is today. My life is great now that I'm dealing with my sexuality. I'm finding that my emotions have more value than before, and are more enriching. My family/friends/hometown's homophobia was a constant reminder that I was to force a marriage out of some woman, have kids, and make EVERYONE ELSE happy. I regret not coming out then, but I can't say that I would go back in time to change it. I had to learn the hard way, and suffer through my own garbage.

    Tell your friend you don't need his help setting you up. Why do you feel that you have to honor his desire to set you up with someone? That's garbage, throw it out. Don't do it just to make him leave you alone about it. If you don't want to go, then DON'T. No one can tell you what to do. Don't avoid your sexuality, or the work it takes to sort it out. You'll end up poisoning your soul and killing parts of yourself one day at a time. My issues surrounding my self-image led me down a tortuous path of alcohol abuse. I thought my life was over, and treated it as such. It took me until 24 to finally accept myself, and now ie been sober for 3 years. I don't believe that's just coincidence.

    True, not all closeted people experience issues with drugs and alcohol, but a shockingly huge percentage do, relative to non-closeted individuals. Be true to yourself. Appeasing others against your will is not staying true.
     
  4. nooceansleft

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    Hi dude.
    I'm sure your friend wants what's best for you. Of course he does. Him and his girlfriend probably noticed that you've haven't been on many dates lately. They want you to be happy and they're just trying to help.
    I've always been of the philosophy that my sexuality shouldn't to someone unless I want to have sex with them. I assume you don't want to have sex with your friend or his girlfriend. And I think your friends care too much about you to be bothered by something as trivial as whether you like the P or the V.
    And yes, the post-coming-out questions are hard to answer, and awkward, but there is nothing wrong with answering "I don't know". You might feel weird and you might feel like an idiot, but I get the sense they care about you, and would like to be closer to you.
    Lastly, don't feel like it has to be an event. I know guys who threw parties for their coming out - complete with rainbow flags and a Madonna soundtrack. Personally my coming out was less momentous - to my best mate, on a beach, at two o'clock in the morning, while completely wasted, I mumbled something along the lines of "I'm about 25 percent sure that I might be bisexual. I don't want to have sex with you. Sorry.".
    Tell him, dude. He deserves it as much as you.
     
  5. PeteNJ

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    A date -- is just a date.

    Its not love, a relationship, or sex necessarily. So don't bring huge expectations to it.

    OTOH -- if you're going out on a date with someone, it kinda presumes that you're looking for some or all of that, sooner or later.

    Is that authentic and real to who you think you are? (based on your words and your hesitation, no).

    And, btw, man, a good relationship NEVER gets in the way of your life (in your case, a hard studying student). It makes your life better, supports you, brings mutual happiness. So don't shut the door...
     
  6. kiltrout

    kiltrout Guest

    Go on the date. You might make a new friend. You don't have to be interested in them romantically.

    Eventually, I think you should tell your friend. You'll do it when you feel the time is right. So don't try to rush things.