Hi everyone, I'm looking to field a little advice and feedback regarding my situation. I've been commenting a little here and there on different threads but I thought it might be helpful for me to post my story separately. I apologize if it sounds redundant to others postings. Also, my post is long so... I'm sorry! To give you a little background, I'm 25 years old and I am working and going to school (for masters) both full-time. Over the summer I moved to a new area which is about an hour from where I grew up and about an hour and a half from where I had previously been living. A few months ago I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because I felt we were no longer going in the same direction. We had been dating for almost three years but I felt we had grown apart since graduating college and living a great distance from one another. We had a smooth break-up, as far as I can tell. I have always dated guys and I really haven't been single for a great length of time since I started dating (at age 18). I've been in two very long relationships (~3 years) and only a few shorter ones (~3 months). The nature of my graduate program challenges me to be a little more introspective and think about my identity as an individual. Last semester we explored sexual identity development models and through this material I began to realize that I hadn't quite formed a solid identity within myself in regards to my own sexual identity. I think the coursework really triggered me to recognize that I hadn't formed a solid foundation about my sexual identity. Which leads me to where I am now... About a month ago I met a girl in town, for ease of telling the story I'll call her 'Kay'. She invited me to dinner with her friend and I accepted the offer. I was excited about the possibility of having a new friend in town and didn't think much of it. After dinner we went to a bar where there was dancing. Neither of us were really interested in dancing, but her friend was so we stayed for a bit. Kay and I were frustrated but we danced together mockingly. I'll admit I was a little tipsy. I'm not one to really be touchy with people I don't know well but I was surprised to see that I was oddly comfortable dancing playfully with Kay. After an hour or so Kay left to go home and her friend and I left shortly after. Overall it was an odd night, since I was just expecting to go to dinner and Kay ended up leaving me with her friend who I didn't know at all. Anyways, I woke up the next morning and thinking about Kay and how much fun we had. I texted her thanking her for the invite and called her out on leaving suddenly. She apologized which I appreciated but it wasn't really a big deal for me. Since then we've started hanging out regularly and seemed to have connected on many levels. At first I was very happy because we could easily discuss work, school, family, friends etc. Kay and I just seemed to be on the same wavelength. Overtime, I began to notice that my interest in Kay felt different. I wasn't sure if I was interested and excited about having a new friend, or if it was something different. Needless to say, I was interested, intrigued, and curious. I started to notice the level of comfort between us. Our relationship is just odd and very confusing for me. As far as I know she identifies as straight (according to Facebook). However, sometimes we end up holding hands, walking arm in arm, or just sitting in moments of silence looking fondly at one another. If we are sitting close and out legs our touching we don't adjust and reposition ourselves we just stay touching. Most of the time I don't even know who initiates these moments, they just happen naturally... It's so strange because this is not my typical behavior. And from what I can tell, not hers either because when I see her interacting with other people she is often guarded and not very touchy-feely. We live fairly close to one another (walking distance) so its easy to meet up without needing definite plans. Over the past month or so we've consistently seen one another about three times a week. Sometimes its just meeting up for coffee, other times its to go for an evening stroll or to grab a bite to eat for dinner. At this point we are texting pretty regularly throughout the day. I think we are both genuinely interested in how things are going with one another. We talk about anything but mostly work and school since that is interesting to both of us. After spending time together we usually go our separate ways. Sometimes we walk each other home, especially if one of us has had too much to drink. I've tried to suggest that we return to either one of our places to extend the evening but I find it just gets awkward for both of us. I don't know what my intention with that offer is and I'm not sure she knows how to interpret it. I just that is just as well. I'm finding that I am interested in Kay as more than a friend but I am treading lightly. I don't want to over invest in something that is in my head. But then again I question myself and wonder if I just like that I've found a genuine friend I can talk to easily and connect with. I'm having trouble sorting these feelings out. It's very strange because we do talk about guys and dating men. Usually I am genuinely partaking in the conversation, however recently I have noticed a gut feeling that I feel like I am lying when I talk about dating guys. And when friends and coworkers assume that I'm am heterosexual I get frustrated, as if it is a small trigger. I am not sure what to make of this. I usually go along with the playful banter about dating men because its much easier then explaining that I don't know what is going on with me... especially since I clearly have not reached a conclusion. Anyways, I'm trying to distance myself from Kay a bit because I can feel that I am getting a little too close for my good (especially if she is straight and not interested). However, Kay always initiates getting together and seeing one another and it's hard to say no because I do enjoy her company. In a way I feel like I am digging myself into a hole and that this is all in my head. ...But then we will have a moment and I'll be reassured that I'm not going crazy. (Or am I?) I'm not sure what to really make of any of this. I've never considered dating or being interested in women before now. I think some of this was because I was in relationships with men. I'm trying to just be patient with myself and let things take their course but I am finding it increasingly more difficult as I am starting to become more and more interested and I have no idea of knowing where Kay stands. I feel strange discussing this with her because my sexuality is undefined. If someone asked me I would say I'm straight because I always given that answer but now I am wondering if I may be bisexual. I also don't want to freak her out or push her away because she is becoming a really great friend and I don't want to risk losing our friendship. I did talk to my (fairly new) therapist about all of this and she suggests letting things take their course. She got me thinking that perhaps Kay is in the same predicament that I am in and questioning her sexuality. If this is the case how will either of us muster the courage to speak up? What does everyone make of this? Should I let things take their course, or should I push back a little bit to slow things down? Is it fair of me to continue to think this way if it may not be realistic? Do I just need to be more patient with myself? Honestly, any advice would be helpful...
I think your therapist is right. If you just keep letting things happen and let them take their course there will be a time when both of you will have to confront those feelings. Don't rush it. All good things come in time
I went through a similar thing with my crush, and I knew he was bisexual, yet still felt confused. Like in some ways we're more than friends (hugging, something guys rarely do, and talking about our secrets and fears, another thing guys rarely do), yet in others he acted like I was just another friend. It turns out he wasn't interested in that way, but that he thought I was a really special friend (btw we still are good friend ^_^). I think that the worst case scenario, you're just very close friends, and she feels very safe and happy with you, just like my crush does. Damn fine worst case scenario if you ask me, especially since she may actually be in the closet and like you. So I'd definetly suggest just letting things take their course. I wouldn't be aggressive until you know whether or not she's les/bi, but just keep growing closer. If it gets to the point where you're just confused with no sign of learning her feelings, write her a letter explaining how you feel. Letters are great for that sort of thing, since they allow you to really express what you mean so things don't come out wrong (like how important she is to you; you're not just physically attracted to her), and it also allows the recipient to have some time to think about how the knowledge of your feelings makes them feel. Telling someone in person forces them to give you an answer on the spot, this way you can let them have some time alone to think about it. Just make sure the letter's not needy or desperate; emphasize how important your friendship is, and that it is real, that you enjoy being her friend because of who she is, not because you're trying to get in her pants. If you do it that way, I guarantee it won't go wrong. My crush was so sweet when he had to let me down, he really understood how deep my feelings were, and was touched by the fact I cared so much. If anything, we're better friends now because of it.
Your therapist is right. I think that you should continue with her friendship, it seems like you guys are so close, and it's so good to have friends like this. AND, maybe, you should casually ask her something like "hey, would you date a girl?" or anything like that.
That was an interesting read, I can really relate to your story. Your therapist could indeed be right. Have you ever discussed homosexuality with Kay? Or where your relationship (friendship) stands? I've been in a very, very similar situation. At some point I just texted him that I thought I had feelings for him because I could take it no longer, an action of which I was advised not to do (I told him about my feelings when he didn't know I wasn't straight). Although surprised, he was very accepting and nothing really changed between us, except be became a bit more touchy and when I was out of town for a week, he texted me things like 'I miss you' and starting calling me 'baby' and well, never have I felt so good. A week after I told him, he told me he reciprocated and we started dating another week later. Mind you, he broke up with me after a month because dating guys wasn't for him after all. So there wasn't really a happy ending. I guess he was confused as to what he felt for me because we were such close friends, and I think that is something you should keep in mind. I may be thinking too far ahead now, but if you decide to tell her about these feelings and you start dating (which you shouldn't rush), please be cautious and very open about your feelings, because in my case it was too good to be true. When I told him about my feelings I said I felt it wouldn't matter much to him because we were such close friends; I thought it wouldn't hurt our friendship and he agreed. We've had our ups and downs since we broke up, but right now (after 4 months, which surprises me because it feels like so much longer) we're good friends and see/talk to each other regularly. My feelings for him have subsided, but I'll admit am a little jealous of this girl he's now dating. Hope this helps.
I haven't discussed this with her, no. I think it may come up in time but it's not something that I am willing to address quite yet. Aside from saying that we are happy to be friends we haven't really discussed where we stand. Wouldn't that raise some questions? My fear, as you said is I won't be able to 'take it any longer' and I'll end up sharing my feelings in a manner that could have been more productive. Just a thought... We'll see where things go. I am happy to hear that you can relate and that sometimes the friendships can work out in the long run (if nothing else). I think the strangest part for me was how surprised I am in myself for even having these thoughts and emotions. Does anyone has any advice for navigating these types of situations without over investing? Should I seek new friendships? Different relationships? Should I introduce another distraction into my life to avoid tunnel vision and putting all my eggs in one basket?
Maybe it would, I worded it poorly. I meant it more as in expressing your appreciation towards each other, saying you will be there for each other, those kind of things. Just to test whether your friendship is strong enough to endure something like this in case she doesn't reciprocate. Me and the guy I wrote about often slept in the same bed before we took the next step, and we sometimes were like 'Isn't it odd for two guys to sleep in the same bed as friends?' followed by a 'Nah, who cares' or we'd joke about how odd it was for us to see each other so often. 'People would think we were dating!' Subtle hints like that don't always have to raise questions but judging off her reaction, maybe you could get some more insight in the situation. Another example, in a truth or dare game the guy asked me whether I had ever questioned my sexuality and after I said yes, he said he had too (yes, it was awkward). Maybe you could tell her about some gay/bi person you know, or mention a same sex couple, and see how she goes about it. Maybe it will raise questions, but ultimately you do want to get this off your chest, right? Best of luck.
Thanks for the all the replies and support everyone. Things are kind of status quo between us right now. I'm generally pretty happy about this... Sometimes I wish it were progressing at a faster rate but I understand that I need time and she may not be comfortable. I often think she is bi curious like I am. Last night I met her and her friends at a bar pretty late and then went back to her place. It was pretty late and we had all been drinking. Odd thing was slowly everyone packed up and headed out. Two of her friends were staying because they were visiting from out of town. She invited me to stay... I live only 4 blocks away and could have easily walked home but she asked me to stay. I ended up sharing her bed with her- which was crazy and I was not expecting it. Nothing happened and I was very conscious of an imaginary line I had drawn down the bed, but I was so tempted to flirt. I'm being super hesitant now because I don't want to push her away... All in all it was a good night, odd but good.
Anyone have any thoughts on this last update? She practically insisted that I stay... I've been thinking about this since.
Well. Your orinetation is something youll have to fgiure ot for yourself but l am telling you that none of this: However, sometimes we end up holding hands, walking arm in arm, or just sitting in moments of silence looking fondly at one another. If we are sitting close and out legs our touching we don't adjust and reposition ourselves we just stay touching. Most of the time I don't even know who initiates these moments, they just happen naturally... would have happened if she wasn't in you xD so maybe she's never been with women either, or is mostly straight. But she is not resisting and a girl who has no intention of experimenting WILL resist and make her heterosexuality known. l don't see the harm in both of you going with it.
Thanks for the response. I'm nervous that it may result in a lost friendship if I move it along too quickly. It's odd. It's at the point now where we are in constant communication with one another throughout the day. Surprisingly, it's not annoying or bothersome. It just happens. A running on going conversation or updates about how the day is going... Sometimes there are long moments of not texting (hours) but we are both cool with it and pick up where we left off. I've been testing things a bit lately by playing the 'I'm not going to text her first' game... I always win. She'll text me good morning, good night... I've never felt this close with someone who I would consider just a friend. I'm intrigued.. but trying to approach the situation rationally.
