This has become too much (part 2)

im back....crap. (i have an older thread on here but i wanted it closed).

Allright so, ever since my last post i've still worried about me possibly being gay/bi/etc. on and off and since then it reached a point where the back of my head (near my neck) would start hurting really bad the more and more i read things online. One website would say one thing while another site would say something else. To make matters worse, I can't perform with women anymore and its driving me insane! I've become paranoid about not being able to perform that i just figure i must be gay/bi because it can become overwhelming.

however, the reason i decided to post again is because last night (or this morning rather) i had a dream and forgive me for writing this but, it was REALLY gay...i think. All i remember is that it took place in my old middle school and then this basketball team (the washington wizards...a team thats across the country) walked in front of me and then a few walked away and the two remaining dudes took of their clothes and started walking away, shaking their hips like women (i hope) and then an image of a basketball player with no underwear popped up and then i remember wanting to wake up because i didnt like this BUT I woke up with an erection! I mean, it went away but...what does this mean? i tried looking up morning wood online but....lets just say that i got something i didnt want to see....:eek:

I'm over the dream to be honest, i figure there's no point to really dwell on it since it was just a dream but still...WHY did i have this dream? does this mean something? The last time I had a dream that was kind of like this was over a year and a half ago and it drove me crazy to the point where i tried killing myself because i was worried that i really turned gay (which i know is something you are born as but still...). I have had dreams about women lately but since im not waking up with wood all the time...i dont know what to think (lately at least).

Another reason im concerned is because lately, i just havent been able to get it up for women anymore or get as aroused. In the old days, i used to get it up for porn (i usually watch lesbian porn or women doing webcams) but i just doesnt happen anymore. Even when i fantasize about women, my buddy downstairs just doesnt respond anymore and its really messing with me. I decided (although i really didnt want to) to test myself by watching gay porn and....my reactions was something like this:

"allright.....here we go...if im gonna go gay we might as well do this....oh boy....allright, 1.....2......and........2 and a half......tw.....three WAIT!...click on a random one (my eyes were closed)....allright lets go!.......(the dude was giving the dude oral) ugh....UGH....(i gagged a few times)....ugh (id still look away)....allright, lets look for real, no turning away.....pffff hahahahahaha (the dudes were now actually having intercourse) haha....ugh....hahaha...yeaaaah im done." I even forced myself to go to my usual webcam site and click on the guys section and after the "no, no, we MUST do this to know for sure" moment, i clicked on the images and just thought "......wow. every dude on here has a boner....yeah im outta here." I even tried watching bisexual porn but i just ended up covering the dudes because the girl wasnt being shown as much.

Anyhoo, I was indifferent about the gay porn and webcams (with men) and id feel relief that it was over but still, WHY did i need to test myself? I felt that if i didnt check, that my head would just explode! If anything, the gay porn and webcams made me realize how out of shape i am. I even ran off to the bathroom and started comparing myself (i would flex and stuff) and then i would try combing my hair like them, make the same faces....dafuq right? Now i just feel odd that i even had to check in the first place!

if anything, the ONLY thing that bothers me is that images of what i saw will now remain in my head from now on (especially during my "alone" time). I remember waaay back in 7th grade i could easily get aroused by beyonce shaking her thang in a music video (Crazy in love was my fave) but then i discovered porn (softcore porn sites like foxhq and hottystop to be specific), then lesbian porn, then porn with really busty women and nice curves, then milf porn, and now its webcam porn (or rather striptease, i like watching girls teasing me) and now...i cant get it up for ANY of that stuff! (but i still like....having "alone time" with them).

...i think ive gone off topic (sorry).

anyhoo, although TODAY's dream didnt bother me that much (im pretty much over it), the last dream i had has affected me to the point where i feel uncomfortable around my male friends and more comfortable with my female friends (the ones i know and dont have feelings for....i still feel nervous around the really good looking ones or the ones i like). I start thinking stuff like, "am i know having feelings for them? do i want to do stuff with them? What if i want to su....*GASP! It's happening! I've switched teams! AAAAH!"

I've had it happen where my sister would mention "hey the victorias secret fashion show is gonna show today" and i would think "pfff....whats they point? they're not naked".

ive tried to make myself to notice men more and even conjured up scenarios that involve naked men but i just....i just dont like it (or i end up laughing about it) and its not my thing you know? What also bothers me is that im uncomfortable around naked men (i keep trying to watch movies that have nude men in it but i always want to look away but i feel that if i dont look, im being homophobic but if i do look, well, im going to feel really uncomfortable about it. If i see a dude thats decent looking or something, i immediately tell myself "allright, lets check him out and lets do this!" five seconds later i think "yeaaaaah i dont want to look anymore but man....he looks better than i do!" I force myself to look at every dude without a shirt off but it's not something i like doing but i feel that its necessary just to make sure you know? I feel that if i am gay or something, i might as well get used to looking up dudes or....i guess "training" myself to like the stuff...i wont lie, i still prefer looking up women (yoga pants anyone?).

lastly (my rambling is all over the place isnt it?), when i get really horny and dont have enough cash for an escort (i know some people consider it to be immoral but im not great at socializing with the ladies, even online which bums me out), i put ads on craigslist and while i usually refrain from doing so (i usually get responses from men which while flattering with all that money they throw at me, its not what im into...than and spambots which i appreciate the pictures, its just a robot) i FINALLY got a response from a woman, a legit one. However, she told me she was a lesbian (a curious one that liked my pics) and i was really excited! I was going to get laid! However, when we finally met up, she looked REALLY butch...(i blame myself for this because i was expecting her to look like the lesbians from the L word). Not only that but she was really huge too. While she was great at doing stuff to me, i just couldnt perform because she looked waaaay too manly. I've read that most guys can screw any woman with a vagina but i men...A) i guess i dont like BBW's and B) She was a woman but looked too manly but still....should i have been able to perform? When she would go down on me i would try to picture other girls but to no avail! Combine this with my inability to perform and AAAAAAH!

*breath.....last LAST thing, there was this picture on a website i saw and it had a picture of a thai girl and a thai guy. to my surprise, the really big bodybuilder was the FEMALE and the really beautiful girl was a DUDE!.....i showed my friend that picture and he told me "yeah, i like my men to look like MEN, not girls (hes bisexual by the way)" He told me that the pictures confused him too. Does liking the girl (or at least i thought was one) who is actually a guy mean anything? the same thing happened when i watched the hangover part 2.

last LAST LAAAAAAAAST thing!
what does it mean (am i gay or bi) if I don't like talking about women to my parents or around my male friends? They always check out girls and go "daaaamn look at her!" I tend to keep those thoughts to myself or be more discrete about it since i dont like being put on the spotlight. I don't check out women in front of my dad (although it can be tough at times especially since i live near the local college and...DAMN! *off topic sorry) or other male family friends because its a bit embarrassing ( i dont like being put on the spot). the only people i feel comfortable with checking out women are my female friend (who doesnt like me....:tears and my bisexual friend (he doesnt care).

PSS...S: Off topic but, what does it mean if everytime i think of a certain girl i like, my SISTER keeps popping up? Its really annoying and...well, i think ill just leave that for another place.

So in short, gay dream, I can't get it up to my fantasies and I can't perform, I don't like checking out girls or talking about girls with friends (i prefer to keep it to myself), i did NOT like having sex with a really butch lesbian, and...im uncomfortable around my guy friends and male nudity (even though it doesnt do anything for me)....yeah im an oddball but hey, i think about a ton of stuff.

my friends tell me that they've though about this stuff too but im the one that keeps thinking about this too much.

:bang:

 

....hmm, I did write quite a lot.

Anyhoo, more details.

When I wrote that I havent been able to perform, it USED to be because I "popped" too quickly.So, i decided to get a head start (id rather not get into details) but when the time came for sex, i was too nervous (especially if the girl rushed me or something).

Also, could i possibly be gay or bi if im not digging EVERY single girl? There was this girl i was talking to and we seemed to hit it off great UNTIL i met her through webcam and...lets just say i lost all interest....i mean i dont want to be that guy that cares about looks over personality but i just...i wasnt attracted to her. Does that happen?

Also, I had experience once with a girl where she had a REALLY foul smell coming from "down there" and ever since then ive been paranoid about going down on them. I like it but every since that smell ive just...aaaah! (to make matters worse, i now associate the smell with really bigger women which i feel horrible for but...i guess i know my preference now).

if this offends anyone, im reaaaaally sorry.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 01:28 PM ----------

by the way, this is a new account...wait, nevermind...that was pointless.

 

Well at the moment, nothing is really getting me hard unless i use my hand or if its really early in the morning when i wake up.

I know that when I would meet up with women, I would be scared that I would pop to easily so then I would take measures so that it wouldnt happen (like going at it an hour BEFORE i meet them) but that would be disastrous.

Whenever i have alone time, i visualize the girls i like but then an image of a dude would pop in (usually from a movie ive watched earlier or something i remember) and then its just "craaaap....well i guess thats over." BUT then i figure, "screw it, lets be gay then" and then im over the image and back to my girl stuff.

throughout most of my life, ive often wanted to sleep with many women but there have only been 6 girls ive ever wanted to really be with...like in an actual relationship (i admit, relationships are just not something i want right now, id rather just have fun).

I don't know about experimenting though. Some people suggest I do that but i dont really want to, it just doesn't interest me that way.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 02:04 PM ----------

Now that ive been awake for a few hours, im just kinda over the dream and im just back to my usual thing.

I guess im just worried if a dream like that means anything at all.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 02:05 PM ----------

I can perform but if i ever get soft, FUUUUUUUU!

 

I mean the gay porn wasn't the worst thing ive ever seen (ive seen 2 girls one cup, death by horse, pain olympics, etc) but i just ended up laughing at it and it didnt affect me really. It was just kind of, "well...glad thats over."

ill answer your bullets (or lines?)

-I don't think I am either, my mind loops over and over.
-dreams....its usually the dreams. Either that or something I watched on TV that amplifies it or just people thinking i might be because of something I did as a kid that they perceived to be "gay." But again, who knows?
-it does when i really worry about it and when that happens, as much as i want to have sex, im just worried i wont be able to perform or have a relationship should i ever want one.
-I've only been with two girls my whole life and i failed terribly with them because im not the type that is really into public displays of affection (i prefer being private) and i tend to get nervous that i might bore her or not be her everything (and i get jealous....sucks). It's kind of why im afraid of getting involved (not the mention the only women ive liked just dont see me that way). Also, i have chickened out on possible dates with girls and i regret it so much later...i panic what can i say?
-yeah, the dreams to occur more when i worry about this. I just kind of expect it now.

as for the dream of over a year ago, it went something like this:

i was watching a boxing match and i was still uncomfortable watching half naked men fighting (i had had another freak out earlier than that, another dream which i dont remember) but i ended up getting over it and just enjoyed the fight. That night though I had a dream where i was just standing in a shower and that same dude was there standing and i touched him in the chest and then i wake up because i feel SOMETHING move and im just nervous. I go back to sleep and the same dream happens only slower and i wake up panicking and i go online to read about on what it might mean on yahoo and then i lost it.


ive tried watching videos of guys with their shirts off and its just not for me...i get a bit anxious because its not something i usually do but i make myself watch it when im really thinking about it just to know for sure and its never fun (and its just kinda...too much i guess).

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 03:52 PM ----------

hahaha the penis gets in the way when i watch straight porn watch...they kind of focus TOO much on it. I like the girls but i hate having to use my hand to cover up half the screen.

its kind of why i prefer webcam girls. its like they're talking to me:icon_bigg

 

*if anyone ever reads all of this, respect....seriously.

I know I sound like a broken record but even after reading that last post (which calmed me down for a bit) i just felt like I really needed to check...make sure you know?

What trips me out is the fact that I can't get it up to my fantasies or my porn anymore without some assistance (my hand). The only way i've managed to get it up is when im texting with a girl and she and I write to each other what we want to do to one another (which surprised me because I never thought I was the type to be into dirty talk).

I make myself stare at images of guys (usually the ones next to girls i watch) just to see if i can get a reaction or something and if i even feel the slightest tingle down there or a bit of nervousness, BOOM! GAY! Now, I can't stare continously since i tend to want to look away but I make myself look just to know for sure (it feels awful but im getting used to this....but i still look away every now and then). I do this for video or tv shows as well. Any time there is male nudity (well not complete nudity, usually stuff like UFC) I just force myself to watch to find out if im gay or bi. I don't like doing this because it makes my head hurt but again, since im not getting any reaction down there, I figure i should start watching this stuff because it might be what i really want. Sometimes if there is a guy who im guessing is good looking and i get a reaction that gets me anxious, i immediately think, "there it is! im gay! i knew it! GAY GAY!" but then i get over it once i stop worrying over it. However, even when i get over it, i still feel like i have to make sure whether i really am over it or in denial so i feel like i should check but i usually dont want to do this but feel i have no choice so its another mental battle ("LOOK! no i dont want to look! LOOK! no i dont want too look!") and i feel relieved when its all over.

I was in another class today and I kept putting the guys in my classroom into scenarions in my head to see if i could get a reaction out of them or if was into them but it did nothing but creep me out and almost gave me panic attacks. Could I possibly be or gay if i keep doing this? I don't like it but i just need to know. I would think of me rubbing a girls....happy place and then insert the image of a dudes genitals and then just think about it until i get something but i usually have to stop because its just too much for me and i want it to stop. I can't tell you how relieved i feel when this stops but i just feel like i have no choice since if i cant think about women and get it up without assistance (which probably means im not aroused), then i must be gay.


Could I possibly be gay or bi if i cant fall in love or like a girl emotionally right away through texts or online messages? The women I've fallen in love with in the past, I met them all in person and even when we spoke online, we had already met. Usually on these dating sites, im only intersted in hookups or a fwb kind of thing but actual love? i cant determine that until i meet them

Could I possibly be gay or bi if i cant get it up anymore to women? I was at school today and man there were some good looking girls but i couldnt get a boner and im pretty sure that means i wasnt aroused (they looked good especially one in particular but if my unit isnt working, well...). So by that definition, maybe i dont like girls anymore? I try to do this with men but nothing happens either and it just makes me uncomfortable and want to stop.

Could i possibly be gay or bi if i only want to have sex with women right now? In high school I really wanted a girlfriend and I was super horny but ever since last year (I lost my virginity that year) ive been craving nothing but sex (but not just random women, I do have preferences). I don't really want a relationship at the moment since i just feel im too young and to be honest, i always chicken out when i go on a date with a girl because i just get nervous and i get scared that i might mess it up by being too boring somehow or that her parents/friends wont like me. If it could just be me and her (whoever she might be) then that would be great. Either that or am I in denial? Besides, the only girls i really like i can never be with (one is a cousin and one is married and doesnt see me that way). Am i using the latter as an excuse? Even as I write this, I still want to get laid but i dont have any money at the moment so...I put up ads on craigslist (im pretty desperate when I do this) but on the occasion i get messages from men or couples. I wish i could meet women in bars and clubs but im terrified of getting rejected and i just dont think im attractive enough to get these kinds of girls (especially if they are really social since im more of an indoors kind of guy).


Could me not wanting to hook up with random men or not wanting to be with a bicurious couple mean i might be gay or bi? I have REALLY tried to get into my head the idea of meeting up with a couple but i just cant do it because I only want the girl...i want nothing with the dude but this answer just doesnt do it for me. Is that a form of denial? Its not my thing to be honest and I end up laughing a bit sometimes (I even ask them if they know any girls that might want me in exchange for them hooking up with my bisexual friend but this usually fails). In the past I used to respond by saying i wasnt interested but after a while i just ended up not responding and i even avoided craigslist altogether (and if i did post an ad, i would write "ladies only please"). Could I be gay or in denial because of this? Does this mean im homophobic?

Could I possibly be gay or bi if i dont look at girls because I dont want to get caught? I like checking them out but i usually refrain from doing it in public because i tend to stare too long and i get caught...or am i just making excuses? In the car its okay so long as i dont get caught by my parents or friends (i dont like them knowing i do this since i dont like being on the spot).

Could i possibly be gay or bi if i PREFER my parents dont know that im meeting up with women and hooking up? Sometimes i feel guilty for doing this because they trust me and i lie to them that im meeting up with friends (i go out around 10pm or 1am) but sometimes i just get so freakin horny that i just have to hookup (my hands dont cut it anymore). I used to be able to contain myself by watching webcams or porn but eventually i reached a point where i wanted the real thing and now its just want i want. I dont care for virtual stuff, i want the real thing now. My question now is, hookups are great but now i want more than that, i want kissing and cuddling and emotion involved and these escorts just dont do that. Could I possibly be gay or bi if i now want an emotional connection with sex now? I mean, I even change the wallpapers on my laptop and tv so there arent any girls on it when my parents or family might enter my room. This applies with friends too but i forgot to do it once and....well they didnt care.

Could I possibly be gay or bi if everytime i see flesh on a dude (like say for instance his arms are exposed) and it causes me to panic and...well does that mean im gay or bi? I mean once i breathe in and out and relax this ends but still...is that a sign? The memory of this usually makes me think that im pushing the thought away but i tend to just get over it. With women its usually not a problem since i tend to look at their....booty (im a butt guy hehe) but because i get no reaction downstairs, then maybe im just gay. Nowadays when i see women on tv i often feel they have too many clothes on but then again, is this denial? Every time (well not every time unless i REALLY focus on it) a guy is shown on tv or in a movie without their shirt off and i panic, does that reaction mean im gay? I usually get over it but still...what could that mean?


Could i possibly be gay or bi if i feel like needing to check if i might be gay or bi? I did watch gay porn a few days ago to see if i did like it and (the results were hilarious haha) and i was relieved to know that it didnt do anything for me but NOW i feel like i should check every now and then to see if i am into it. I don't want to do this but now i feel that its something i'll have to do every single time i worry about possibly being gay or bi. Just the fact that i even checked makes me feel weird and I dont know what this could possibly mean. Earlier today i watched straight porn (which dont want too often anymore since i prefer lesbian and solo porn now) with this actress and decided to NOT cover the dude this time (i failed) and i also made myself watch the girl give the guy a blowjob (i usually avoid the bj scenes because....well). I preferred the angles where you could see her back and bottom but when i did watch her take it all in, all i could think about was her giving me a blowjob and how great she was at it. It was soooooo hot and i wanted her mouth all over my member and then I watched her get get bent into several postions and man it felt good watching her. HOWEVER, i still covered my eyes to make sure i didnt look at the dude but whenever i did, i looked away or just covered.

Could I possible be gay or bi if i made eye contact with a guy (not on purpose but usually by accident) and i blush? I mean yeah im embarrassed but it was just awkward...when this happens with girls i get the same thing but i usually think "she'll never like me" whereas when this happens with guys i think, "he proabably thinks im gay....haha." Still, does the fact that i even blushed or felt embarrased mean im gay or bi?

could i be gay or bi if im not comfortable going to bathhouses with my dad and his friends? I mean i know its just us guys but still...i feel uncomfortable. Could this be repression or denial of my sexuality? Could i be avoiding this because im afraid of getting a boner? Could I possibly be gay or bi if im not touchy feely with my guy friends? They usually like to pull pranks on each other and sometimes get rough but i dont like doing this with them...its odd (to me at least). The fact that all of my male friends are comfortable with male nudity has me thinking that i could be gay or bi because im not. I try watching shows like jackass or movies with male nudity so i can not get so put off but i usually cant because i get uncomfortable or i start laughing. However, even though i dont get aroused (i think) because my unit isnt getting erect to women when i fantasize about them (i have to assist myself) then maybe i am gay because it SHOULD be going up...but still cant get it up with assitance...unless i think of a girl first.


Could I be gay or bi if images from movies/tv programs in the past of men show up while im "playing with myself?" My usual process is that i start by playing and the i go "please no images, please no images DAMN IT!...start over....DAMN IT!" Lately i decided to test myself by just going with the images but i just cant do it...it doesnt turn me on and the image popping just kinda vanishes. I even try to think of the dudes that show up in the straight porn i watch but it just doesnt interest me. I tell myself, "come one man! think harder! THINK ABOUT THE GUY!....aaaaah i dont like this!....I cant...i cant...ugh, no more!"
I usually finish because when im REALLY horny, fantasizing is easy for me but again, i need assistance so...(a little tug and im good). Could i possibly be surpressing or repressing me being gay or bi?



Could i possibly be gay or bi if i only like touching myself (you know what i mean) to lesbian porn or straight porn (albeit covering the dude with my hand). Could I possibly be gay or bi if I make myself watch programs or movies that have to do with gay people (i do this to no be so afraid of anything that has to do with being gay or bi but it just makes me think you know). I still cant comfortably watch two guys kissing every single time but maybe ill get used to it because im gay or bi?

i try to watch videos on youtube of guys kissing or what girls consider "hot" but i just cant do it....i either have my eyes closed or look away and when i DO watch the scene completely, even though im okay, im worried about the images popping up later on.

Now ive reached the point where im uncomfortable with crotches and if any guy in close proximity is sitting next to me, i start thinking, "oh no....dont look....DONT LOOK!....what if i want to look, what if want to touch?! AAAAAAAH! I DONT WANT TO LOOK BUT I WHAT IF DO?!" This usually happens if i think about if i will think about this (there have been days where i dont even think this but still...what the hell? is this denial?).

In my head , ive also had random outburst where im saying things like "im gay....GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!...suuuuuuper gay! incredibly gaaaaay! g-g-g-g-g-g-gAY! G-A-y! YEAH GAY!...100 percent san francisco gay! (i then start mimicking a runway model that ive seen on tv) gayer than a bent ruler ga....dude you're not gay...not even slightly....just relax....seriously." I've come out like 200 times by now just to relax and hope that all this thinking will go away but nope...nothing still thinking. I've even considered going to a gay club just to find out but i end up realzing that, "why am i going to go? there arent any women there, just men and i dont like men. Even i hit on the girls knowing they wont like me, whats the point? they wont like me"

I go to school and tell myself, "just be gay man...BE GAY! YOU are NOT supposed to like girls because you SUCK with them! BE GAY DAMNIT! You are supposed to like men, NOT women! You know why?! because you will NEVER have a girlfriend, EVER! This is how its supposed to be for you!" And yet none of this sticks....a pretty girl will walk by and, "hey girl, come to dadd...NOOOOO! you are GAY! you do NOT like women! HELL NO! YOu are supposed to like men! you are supposed to enjoy blowing dudes and all that other stuff!.......wait a minute, i dont enjoy any of that at all...why would i do any of that?" I have my moments where i think, "come on man! lets go gay already sheesh! lets start looking up guys and...no....i dont want to...i dont like that stuff...NO BUT still....no...i just dont like that stuff." When i make myself try to get off to dudes, i think things like "come on! give me a boner or something so i can finally confirm it! COME ON! aaaaaah! dude.....im just not into dudes..." and then i proceed with women and man....i feel much better with that.

Could I also possibly be gay or bi since i usually think about this (apart from dreams or maybe cuz of it) whenever i fail with women and end up getting upset and i usually go back to thinking about this girl ive been trying to get over for the past 8 years...she and i are really close and...i remember after she dumped after we went out for a month and that a friend of mine said i was going to go gay after since i was never going to get a girlfriend again. She dumped me because i was jealous of her hanging out with my best friend. Could this be an example of loss? I mean i still think about her even when i dont worry about this (sometimes a lot worse) but still....

Could i be in the bargaining stage if i think, "well at least if i was gay, id be able to watch all of my female friends undress and touch them and...wait what?"

I have other things to worry about but right now (school and work), but this affects me the most (i only worry more about my mom dying which...id rather not talk about) because every time i go outside or watch tv (even flipping cartoons) i think, "did i like him? was i aroused? look at the crotch to confirm...look again....ugh, where are the girls at man?"

"change the channel....there are men on TV...STARE AT THEM TO KNOW!...nothing...STARE AGAIN!....no, i dont want to....STARE DAMNIT! *panic GASP! ITS CONFIRMED! I THOUGHT HE WAS HOT THEREFORE I AM GAY! oh wait...im over it...damn im out of shape...wait, STARE A...NO! i dont want to look anymore!...BUT I MUST MAKE SURE! NO! i dont want to look! hes wearing sweats which is like a girl wearing yoga pants therefore you are gay because you compared them and now you are going to look....GAY! you looked directly into the face and made eye contact...GAY!"

:bang:

ive also noticed that ever since my dream last year, things got really intense for me. I look at the dream now and think its silly but the after effects of it really got to me.

in high school i had 2 dreams similar to this this (like the ones mentioned above) but i used to get over it because while they did freak me out for a couple months, i ended up just getting over because i was always outside or ended up worrying over something else or just realizing it was only a dream. However, since ive been mostly indoors and alone since graduating, i have so much time to think about this now that the only way i can calm down is by taking my meds or get some relief by talking to people and seeing what they might think.



I have other questions but....i think ive written enough...i think i may have written about some things twice.

im sorry if this offends anyone, i just felt the need to vent.

im fine now but...*sigh, this is tiring stuff.

im over this but...give it a few hours or something that makes me think and here i go again...:help::bang:

 

Allright so, I have another question and this is the one that kind of trips me out as well.

It seems that whenever I'm around my male friends (or just another one i guess) and they happen to get a little TOO close to me, I suddenly start thinking these thoughts like, "kiss him....take his pants off....DO IT NOW! The problem however is that this scares the crap out of me and I feel like i'm going to piss my pants because im so terrified that I might actually DO something! I really don't want to do any of the stuff and in my head it sounds like this:

"Kiss him, do it! NO! Why would I do that?! Do it now! NO! I don't want to do that! Blow him! NO! Stop saying that! DO IT! NOOO! Pull the pants down, NOW! NO! DO IT! NO I DONT WANT TO! STOP IT!"

I then start getting really anxious and I feel as if im going to lose control of my body and I feel like running away or just getting out of there because im so scared I might do something I don't want to do! What terrifies me the most is that if I were to see the same person the next day and nothing happens, I start thinking, "what if i start thinking about that again? Please don't do that! Oh no, I think im thinking about it now! NO! I don't want to do that!" And then it starts and suddenly im frozen with fear and I feel the need to get out of there. As soon as I do leave (it happened today in class when this guy sat really close to me) I feel so relieved when its over. This doesnt happen with women because well, they usually never get close and I wouldnt mind touching them (no strange back and forth thing going on there). Today it was intense during class because the guy kept making moaning noises (i dont have the slightest clue why...kinda odd) and kept rubbing his leg (a little too close for comfort). Fortunately, I would get distracted by the occasional woman in tight pants walking by but still...this just messed me up.

I dont mean to compare this but the only other things i can compare this fear to is when i crossed the golden gate bridge and i started having thoughts about jumping off (i walked as fast as i could out of there), when i have firearms or violent thoughts (which again, i have to leave), or when im somewhere really high (i stay way back or leave). That and thinking about my mother dying (Id rather not get into that). Would this be different because it deals with sex?

what do you guys think this means? (the first example). It didnt start happening to me until last year when i had the dream ...its just terrifying and the memories of those events (todays as well) just frighten me. Would that be a form of sexual denial? I keep putting the events in my head but they just paralyze me. Would that example be considered sexual arousal? I know when im aroused it feels great but is arousal supposed to feel awful? I mean I dont get a boner from these moments but its just so...I dont know how to put it. I try to relax and think "whatever, its nothing" but i just CANT DO IT! it replays over and over in my head. My friend is coming over right now and im okay but since the guy likes to get a little TOO close, I start thinking "oh no...not again, no no!" I sit there just frozen and when they leave, i feel so relieved (sorry if i repeated myself). I end up spraying lysol over where the sit (i do this with anyone except certain girls for...other reasons). I was at a party once and this guy comes up right in front of me and exposes his crotch area (like right in my face) and i became so terrified that i had to leave but since i couldnt, i closed my eyes. Now i feel as if every time someone does this, my head might fall in on this area and....aaaaaah!

The other thing is, im uncomfortable around naked men...I laugh sometimes but other times i just cant look at naked men. I dont like doing it but my friends are able to look and not care but i just cant do it...is this a form of denial? My mouth gets a bit watery and i hold my breath when i do until its over. Is this sexual arousal? I tend to look REALLY hard to see if anything happens and then if i do get a reaction, its usually this feeling in my chest and i feel like im going to have a heart attack or just faint. That feeling of, "look....LOOK....LOOOK!...pfffff no thanks!" no, you have to look! aaaaaah to hell with this! I dont want to look!"

i mean im okay with locker rooms and stuff (i get in and out) but im just not comfortable like my male friends are (if they open their legs, i look away...i dont need to see junk).
However, ill admit i have looked at other dudes arms and chests...and then i find myself looking at mine and flexing and wondering about mine...is that a form of arousal? I dont do this in public because i dont want to but sometimes on tv like UFC (which is difficult for me to watch sometimes) i DO compare...i mean every dude on tv is built so i cant avoid it. Am i in love with them or am i aroused by this? Sometimes I get so nervous that I blush and...does blushing mean im turned on? I change the channel when this happens but other days i can watch and i feel nothing until i keep looking until something happens and then if it does, i change the channel. Ive been making myself watch this stuff but i just get so paranoid about it

I try to "rub off" to these events just to check if im into them but i cant get it up...not even with assistance...but still it alarms me

UPDATE: my friend came over and i was okay but as soon as my friend got really close (i was watching a video) my reaction was just "please move away, please move away!"



What does all this mean?

---------- Post added 31st Jan 2013 at 10:33 PM ----------

im okay now but...does all this mean that im gay or bi now?

i have noticed that the less i worry the less this happens but still...what does this mean?

 

So here is another question and I'm not sure what it could mean

This stuff is still in my mind (past events and the questions ive asked) but since I don't get any clear answers, I just keep trying to find ways to confront them but I get really uncomfortable when this happens.

For instance, last week this guy sat next to me and he sat a little TOO close to me (almost in my face) and since this subject has been on my mind, i became uncomfortable with what he did and THEN throughout class he keeps making moaning noises on and off (heavy sighs i suppose) and since i tend to associate moaning with sex, well, this makes me uncomfortable (granted if it was a girl moaning, then im okay with it but since its a dude....well, i TRY to not be bothered by it but it does). When I left school that day, i felt so glad it was over but the memory of it stuck with me and the next day at school i was paranoid that he would sit next to me again and he DID and that freaked me out again!

I decided to finally check to make sure if I was just freaked out because i might possibly be gay or bi in denial and that this discomfort is me finally coming out or something but if felt nothing once i saw his face. However, I still feel uncomfortable since he keeps sitting next to me and keeps making moaning noises (its not on my mind the whole time though...i tend to space out or look at women when they walk in).

However, because of this experience so far, what could this mean? Is this a crush im experiencing? I don't get "butterflies" and the only time he is on my mind is when im getting to class and i think, "not again...please not again" and i feel way better when he sits further away from me. I don't get aroused, if anything i feel like im going to die from the discomfort. To make matters worse, I feel like i have to look at him again just to make sure but i dont want to but i feel it might be necessary just to know. With women, this is different. I WANT to look at them but i try not to because I tend to get caught and well...i dont want my classmates to know (its REALLY hard not to sometimes...but what can i do you know?)

I keep making myself try to imagine us doing all the stuff i do with women but it just doesnt feel good and its usually, "baaaah no more! no no, do it again! wait, no....aaaah " I keep doing it though because i have to be absolutely sure and even if nothing happens, i still feel that i should try harder. Going to class freaks me out now because of this. The guy sits next to me. I even tried to picture dating scenarios and all that romance crap but at the end of it, my thought was "wait...im not even into dudes...." I couldnt put any images in my head as much as i tried, i just couldnt and i thought my head would explode.

is this a sign that im in denial? today at school and at home i tried to NOT look at women or check any out but i cant do that, its impossible because i like it.
So, I tried doing the opposite and look at nothing but dudes but i cant because i have to look away usually and aaaaah! It's just kind of "look....loook....ugh, look.....aaaah no more!"
i watched porn today for the first time in days and when i clicked on the straight porn, i did my best to look at the dude ONLY but i couldnt do it and it didnt do anything for me, it just made me nervous but that just kind of died because my attention went to the girl
however, when i looked at lesbian porn, MAAAAAAAAN was it good!

Now im uncomfortable being REALLY close with men (like sitting next to them) but this depends on how much i think about it.

is this all denial?
i try to be open and whatnot but it just....i cant, im sorry guys.
i tell myself, "be gaaaay man! be gaaaaaaaaaaaay! nobody cares!....but, i dont like men though so, why would I be that way?"
if an image on pops up or a shirtless dude pops up on tv without a shirt, then i go, "allright, lets jerk off to that!" 5 seconds later, "nope!...gaaaah try harder!.....nope! NOOO TRY HARDER! AAAAAH i cant do it!"

I'm just tired of going through this kind of thing EVERY single time something scares me, whether its a dream like i mentioned above, discomfort when my male friends get a little to friendly, the fact that i get shy around beautiful women (on tuesday i bought something at school and i acted like such a ditz when she told me how much the price was), when my friends say that since i dont have a girlfriend or dont do certain things that im gay automatically, that i prefer to keep my comments of women to myself instead of my friends being open about it, and the list goes on!

my friend wants to go to a gay bar and I dont want to go. However, by not going, i come off as homophobic so i dont have much of a choice. I tell myself "hey, they play electronic music so its okay" but then i think, "WHY would i go if there arent any women?" I dont know what to do...

i went off track, sorry guys.
what do you guys think?

 

Well, my life as a whole is kind of...messed up.

I'm single and as much as I love the hook up scene, I want a relationship (although they scare me) and the women I want I can never have (one of the reason's is taboo in my family...id rather not get into that). But then at times i switch and just want to have fun instead (sex basically)...it depends my mood i suppose. Does this mean anything? I just don't think im made for relationships since women my age want a guy with a house, a car, a great job, living on their own, the list is ENDLESS! theres more but...i dont think it matters.

Family wise everything is okay, I just feel like I'm failing them since some people my age already live on their own (im 22), have their own business, moved out, have kids (I don't want any), are married (I don't want to get married but there's another reason for that), I do work but only with my parents but getting a job terrifies me since im not great with people and I just tend to avoid any situation that has a lot of people or the spotlight (even though ive been going to school for years since i was kid, i'm STILL not comfortable heading there). I can't make friends easily and i tend to say the stupidest stuff. I get made fun of sometimes because i take medicine (i stopped because i think i was misdiagnosed and i think the psychiatrists were being biased and just trying to make money).

I don't really play any sports unless its with my friends for fun. I tried to in the past but i'm just not that great of an athlete (id get picked last usually). I DO watch sports though (basketball, soccer, etc.) but i tend to watch the highlights when bored. I never liked P.E. in school since nobody wanted me in their team.

I REALLY try not to make things more than they are (my friends and family tell me this all the time) but i just dont know how to stop and anytime something freaks me out, its awful (the week i got tested for stds....horrible feeling, i swear i thought i was going to die!). If I fail a test, i fail at life and ill end up homeless and i wont survive and ill die. If i cant make money, who's going to take care of my mother? Sure I get along with my dad and my sis but my mom took care of me as a kid and ....id rather not talk about her dying since i always end up crying :tears:.

A friend of mine told me once that if cant get a girlfriend, then ill end up gay. I was always teased that i was the gay one since i never talked about women or having a girlfriend (i prefer to be private about my love life and i always looked up women on my own at home, where NOBODY could see). Even now, i still prefer to keep that stuff to myself since its none of their business but NOW i feel as if they are all just waiting for me to "come out" or something.

Growing up i was often called the weird kid or id get made fun of a lot and i didnt have many friends in school. I hated school to be honest. Even now, nobody sits next to me in school and people tend to avoid sitting next to me in the bus (especially girls...i remember one in particular was even afraid of me and that felt awful). I try to play it off like i dont care but it sucks...Ive tried exercising to try to get noticed more but i dont stand a chance considering my competition. I currently on a few dating sites but so far, i only get the women i kind of like but when a REALLY good looking one ACTUALLY answers my messages, i dont know what to do! I write something nice and respectful and if she doesnt respond, well...nevermind...i dont even want to try in public...my looks and personality just SUCK. plus clubs scare me...its so loud and there are WAY too many people and all the girls have boyfriends or are waaay out of my league.

i went off track, sorry.



My friends also tell me that i tend to be irrational about things and that i NEED to relax and just breathe when it comes to things that cant be explained...my other friend tells me that im adamant about stuff as well.

I don't care about the gay bar to be honest...i have my moments where im completely paranoid about it and then suddenly i dont mind, its just a bar, nothing else.

i dont drink alcohol or do any drugs by the way...just letting you know.


I don't want to sound like im making excuses but its as if EVERYTIME something worries me or scares me, i go online whether its looking up if i might be gay in denial, if i have a certain disease, etc.

I've come on here before and asked stuff and it usually calms me down for a while but it just doesnt last because i tend to think of something new and see if that means anything as well.

I TRY to have an open mind but there are just some things i cant do...it hurts my head if i think about it a lot.

sorry if i offend anyone:bang:

im relaxed for now but tomorrow is another day...crap

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2013 at 08:48 PM ----------

AAAAH im sorry if i sound offensive, i really do.

Would i be considered questioning? I know I like women. I don't even have to try for that one but when it comes to men, i try and stare at pictures of men or watch dudes on tv or on youtube when they take their clothes off to see if i like it but i cant do it...i just have to look away but I also feel that I HAVE to look because most people can look without caring and while this is usually the case, if i even feel ANYTHING, the slightest tingle, vibration, increase in heart rate, the smallest of reactions, then BAM...proof. I have this countdown thing that I do and i ONLY do the videos if i feel that i have no choice and i MUST check (and even if nothing happens, the memory of doing it will stick with me).

Outside in the real world, the same applies but i do it less since well, its real but still, i end up comparing and comparing and wondering and wondering and i usually already know but still...at ANY moment, something can happen.

I have other things that bug me but i just learned to live with them...kind of (every time i think of a girl i like, my sister pops up or how when im around people (my family usually) and if they are bending over i get scared that ill bump into them (hump i guess).

 

Sorry if im bugging anyone with more questions but in really anxious again its killing me

I want to know your opinion on this since its scaring the hell out of me with all these flipping doubts

i basically want you to tell me if this is legit or not since it happened so unexpectly last week.

I've been chatting with this girl i met online back in january (yeah online dating, sue me) and at the time i was only interested in sleeping with her since im not the type that usually wants a relationship (its a lot of work). Recently though, 2 weeks ago we had a serious talk and she decided that she liked me and i told her that i liked her too (again, i only wanted to sleep with her because i was just horny).

HOWEVER, that all changed last tuesday night (yeah i remember the date). We skyped once before but i still wasnt that into her but last week we skyped again and suddenly i found myself not being able to hang up, if anything i wanted her to end the call because i just couldnt do it myself. The next morning i found myself missing her A LOT. She would normally text me things like, "good morning babe" and i wouldnt think much of it but on wendsday morning it was different, i swear i had thought that i had screwed up with her and that she was not into me anymore. All she wrote was "hello" and i wrote back something nice and it KILLED me that she hadnt replied back. I was so worried that i had lost her but when she replied a few hours later (she was in class) i felt so happy that she replied back! The more i talked to her the more i started liking her, i suddenly started feeling different about her. I began to miss her so much whenever she would be busy doing homework or asleep (she goes to bed earlier than I do). We skyped again on thursday and i felt so good seeing her again and even though skype was laggy and she fell asleep on me, i didnt care, i would wait for her.

its been like that ever since and i wont lie, its been a LONG time since ive felt this way (a few years) and while before i didnt think she was the best looking girl, NOW i see her photos or when we go on skype and she is just the most beautiful lady out there! I feel guilty checking out other women, i no longer wish to hookup with other girls because i would feel that i would be cheating on her. We share so much in common and i only want to be with her, protect her, make her happy. Im not the romantic type but suddenly id listen to love songs and her face would come to mind. Whenever she would talk dirty to me it would be such a turn on (although i would try not to get to pervy because im afraid of turning her off). Im usually the cold hearted type but with her im someone else, im this lovestruck puppy and im okay with that because its her. Im williing to drop everything i have right now to be with her (she lives in another city). I miss her a lot but when i talk or text her, im happy and calm again and she makes me feel like i can do anything.

but as always, the doubts start happening.
What if i cant protect her? what if im a terrible boyfriend? what if she finds someone else interesting? what if she ends up leaving me? what if her family and friends dont like me? what if she doesnt like me when she finally sees me? what if she still likes her ex? what if i fail? what ifs and what freakin ifs?!

everytime she doesnt talk or text me i start thinking shes already seeing someone else or that everytime she writes, "guess what?" or "can i ask you something?" i always think shes going to break up with me. I get very paranoid and since im so used to failing with women i really like, i always assume the worst but im relieved when she tells me she loves me and im okay again.

i worry that i text her or talk to her too much but i also worry that if i dont, she might lose interest in me. i just cant see myself without her now and that alone scares me.
its because of this i tend to AVOID relationships because of how vulnerable i feel. I spent the last year just hooking up (i had lost my virginity) but after a while, i realized that i needed a connection (cuddling, kissing, sharing interests). I just cant hookup anymore, sex is great but i need an emotional connection now and whenever i talk to her i want to kiss her so much, i want to see her smile, i want to make her happy. The thought of spending the rest of my life with her is what id love nothing more.

im the kind of person that didnt want to get married or have kids but i dont mind doing that with her at all (im not the baby type either but with her its okay). My parents dont know about her because id rather keep it a secret until she comes over so we can both go through it. Im really scared of meeting her family or me not being able to talk to her when we first meet.

why would i write this story? well, heres why:

i asked my friend for advice (hes the most open guy i know) because last night after talking to her, i was calmer and i wasnt missing her as much (we had a good talk) and i asked him if it was normal to not miss someone you like 24/7 and at FIRST he said yes but then said it might also mean im over her. He also said why should i risk being with her if i might find someone else later on? He kept telling me that perhaps i did lose interest and that scared me! He told me that either its because im am over her or that i might be gay. Hes admitted to me in the past that he likes to throw these kinds of questions at me because he knows of my condition and knows how i like to latch onto thoughts.

i still missed her this morning (i woke up too early) and when she called me this morning it felt good to hear from her and it sucked she had to go away to class but we keep chatting and it makes me feel all gooey and mushy. I cant eat, sleep, or focus because of her. This was just so sudden that it threw me off guard but im okay with that

moving on, I asked another friend if she could give me advice and im the type that keeps my love life private so i wasnt direct with her.
i asked her, "i have something important to tell you and i would really appreciate it if you didnt tell anyone else because this is a huge deal for me."

when she replied back she asked me, "are you gay?"
i said no and laughed a bit but now im anxious about that question too

could it be possible that ive been faking this whole thing the entire time? has this whole thing been a lie?!

ive only fallen in love about 5 times (including this time) but this is the first time its getting serious and its the strongest ive ever felt about a girl but this question she asked just threw me off!

do gay or bi people ever have this happen? is this a form of denial? i still want to meet her and be with her but now im afraid i might not be able to perform because in the past when i have restless thoughts, i cant perform even though im still interested.

my doubts went from the relationship stuff to the gay stuff and now im just frozen.
i have rotating worries and I KNOW that my medicine would calm me down (i have meds for.....ugh, OCD and anxiety) but i dont take them because i want to live without them and those pills KILL my sex drive.

i havent heard back from her in a while and i still miss her a bit but these thoughts are messing with my head.
now i feel as if im going to screw up everything and lose her.

i dont want anyone else....i dont know what id do if i lose her.

i feel awful...as if everything was taken from me...am in denial or being gay or bi? could i just be scared of getting into a relationship? am i lying to myself?

ive tried to look at men or even get off to men but i cant do it, its just not my thing and it goes back to her (it used to go with other women but now i cant because id feel like im betraying her).

i just want to calm down and NOT use my pills...i dont want her to think im crazy

sorry about this post, i know its unusual but whenever i have worries, i come here because the people on this site are WAY more open than on mental health websites or yahoo or youtube.

i dont even watch porn anymore either because i feel like im cheating on her but i just couldnt resist and i looked at it today and i felt terrible...

do you guys have friends who mess with you like this?

ive never felt this strong about a girl...and at first it scared me but now im okay because shes more comfortable

another question: what would you guys call this? love? a crush?
ive read so much stuff on the internet that now i have NO IDEA whats going on.

am im compensating? ive tried breathing exercise but they dont help.
sorry if i offend anyone....i just felt like ranting.

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 05:29 PM ----------

do you guys think im forcing this?!

i know when i just want to sleep with a girl its just, "meh id do her" but with her its not like that...i could never use her just for that

is this denial?

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 05:31 PM ----------

was my mind playing tricks on me?!

im still not public about her because i want to keep it a secret but...

does keeping it a secret mean im in denial? is that being ashamed?

Also, are my doubts about not being able to protect her, etc. common before entering a relationship?

is my paranoia normal?!

 

this whole thing just threw me off.....i just want to hold her

im really sorry if i sound like a sap, its just ive never felt like this before

 

Thanks, I needed that.

 

*sigh, I dont think she likes me anymore guys....

I know she was really busy today but, I just have this nagging feeling she's going to lose interest and break things off with me:tears:

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:15 PM ----------

it still sounds like she is interested but im just scared of losing her and i just dont think im that much of a fun person.

im going to lose her....i hate this feeling, i mean shes still into me right now buts its going to end, it always does...

i never get what i want, they always leave me...i suck....THIS is why i dont date, i cant take the pain...its awful...

maybe its in my head but this is just stressing me out.

:tears:

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:19 PM ----------

she probably thinks im too needy...i cant help it!

she lives in another city and until i see her that day, i feel awful that it will end before

ive just never been in a serious relationship with her but im tired of searching, i want her but....its going to end, it always does...i can never win....never....i always lose...why? because thats how it is....

i tell her how much i care about her but i just feel that im overdoing it...
but if i dont, she might think i dont care....

im sorry if this is annoying...but this sucks...

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:21 PM ----------

:tears::tears::tears::tears::tears:

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:21 PM ----------

:bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:28 PM ----------

do you guys ever go through this when you're seeing someone?

any ways to cope?

i miss her so much...

but i dont want to be clingy either

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 07:32 PM ----------

nevermind! we're going to SKYPE RIGHT NOW!!!

:icon_bigg