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I think my boyfriend is gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by peroxide2013, Jan 26, 2013.

  1. peroxide2013

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    Hello,
    I came across this site while trying to find more information to help with my situation. I am a straight woman. I have been seeing my boyfriend for over four months. I have a feeling he is gay. We seem to have a wonderful emotional connection. We enjoy each other' s company and we talk on the phone at least two hours a day. The sex is very strange! He cannot orgasm with oral (I have very good skills), vaginal, or anal (my ass). The only way he orgasms is if I suck his balls while he masturbates. He does not explore my body or touch my breasts (ex- boyfriends could not get enough of them).

    I have read other threads about men using women as a cover or having girlfriends during the coming out process. I don' t mind if he is gay because I care about him as a person. Honestly, it would probably make me feel better if he were to tell me that he is gay because then I wouldn't feel the way I do now. I thought maybe he is not attracted to me even though he tells me that I am beautiful and his friends seem envious.

    How do I go about asking if he is gay without offending him? I don' t want to lose him as a friend and would be there for him if he is gay. Hell, I would still play "the girlfriend role" if he needed but it is not fair to hold me back from possibly finding a straight man that I could have a future together.
     
  2. Alexander69

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    Ask him? Be blunt I think that's the only way to go about this to get to the answer. But I wouldn't say he is gay because he doesn't like your breasts or he can't orgasm with oral or vag or anal some guys are just different. When you guys are out in public try and see if he looks at men a lot. And maybe...... Maybe say you are in the mood for gay Porn put some on and see if he gets hard fast and likes watching it best of luck
     
  3. Crystal's Vaporeon

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    I say just right out and ask him, I mean whats the use of holding back?? Tell him you've had this suspicion, tell him your concerned out your sex life, just go out and ask him. Really whyy put it off in any way?
     
  4. Divopix

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    Really, just ask him and back it up with proof and just try to be very supportive.

    Good luck
     
  5. Caliber

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    as other people have said its best to just ask him, come strait out or at least have a drink or something to discuss it
     
  6. Phoenix

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    Based on what you said, I wouldn't necessarily jump to asking him if he's gay. Some people just have very specific sexual needs. Have you talked to him about it at all? I would just be like, "Am I doing alright sex wise? Because sometimes I just feel like I'm at a loss to satisfy you." Furthermore, he may not be a huge breast person, but does he make sure you're enjoying yourself when you're being sexual? Or does he just get off, roll over and go to bed? Sex is a two person sport, so if he's not really trying to put in the effort to make sure you're enjoying yourself then I would say you have a reason to be suspicious. And even then, it could be a number of things not necessarily that he's gay.
     
  7. TheDifferent13

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    I would agree with all of this. I would also say, that you shouldn't just go and ask him if he is gay. Because in the case he is gay, being with you is a proof, that he is not ready for anyone to know about it, since he acts a role of a straight guy. And if you went up and asked him directly, he would probably deny it, while covering even deeper into himself, as it would scare him, that anything he does might make him seem gay.

    Try finding out more possible options, for why he is the way he is. And if in the end it still seems to you he might be gay, you should approach him carefully, in a very comforting and accepting way. Maybe start off with saying, that you were looking on the internet for possible causes of your problems in bed like his issues with "performing" or his disinterest, and you came across some cases, where a person has other sexual interests, like people of the same sex. And then assure him, that if anything like this might be the case, you wouldn't have anything against it, and would be happy to know it, and help him go through with it with all the support he needs, because it would also make you feel better knowing, that it isn't your fault, which is what I guess, you might be wondering, from what you wrote. It would also be good if you said, that if he is gay, you would still like to stay close with him (on a friend level), because you really like him as a person, and nothing (like his sexuality) could ever change that.

    I hope that he might be going through some dificulties other than his sexuality, and that you two will be able to resolve them, since you said you have a great connection with him. But if he does turn out to be gay, I hope you two can still stay friends, and make the best of it, cause he will need as many supporting friends like you as he can get. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 TheDifferent13, Jan 26, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2013
  8. personage

    personage Guest

    id say go ahead and ask him irectly, but say soemthing to preface it like "im totally ok with it if you do, but do you have bi-sexual feelings" ?

    closeted or questioning guys will most likely say no to the "gay or straight" pigeon holing of society and that shuts doors for you, so bisexuality might be a good start.. once a girl asked me "are you bi? its ok, i am too!" but you are straight so that wont work for you... but you see an example here of how to cushion and soften the impact and also give him a way to move around without having to lie or shut doors.

    if he does yes, it leaves you a bit more room to talk about it later and then you can explore his feelings with you and perhaps if he is confused about it himself.. make sure you mention you are always open to full communication with him too.. let himn know you can help him and how it will strengthen the relationship to communicate it. let me know that the exploration of his sexuality will not threaten your existing relationship as that's why a questioning guy will mainly lie if asked directly.

    if he says "no im not bisexual" you can say a variety of things, be prepared for a "why do you ask?" type question. you could say you were just curious.
     
    #8 personage, Jan 26, 2013
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  9. starfish

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    From what you've said I would say there is insufficient information to determine his sexuality.

    I'd say this it is far more likely that he is inexperienced, and likely nervous.

    I wouldn't bring up wether he is gay or not. Though do talk to him about the sex. See how he feels about it. When you are having sex guide him. If you want him to touch you breasts, then guide his hands up there. Or just say grab my boobs.
     
  10. Kgirl

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    I agree with maybe asking if he is bi, as he would probably deny being gay even if he is. And don't ask it in an accusing way, maybe bring it up if someone gay is on tv or something.

    But honestly I wouldn't ignore it if suspicions are there. I've hinted lots of times throughout the 8 years I've been with my bf that I'm attracted to women, but he always refused to take the hint. And now I'm in the position of cancelling our wedding just before it's due to take place. Not his fault of course, but if we'd explored this earlier who knows where we'd be at now.
     
  11. Rexmond

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    You seem like an honest person, and if you care about him like you say, just sit down with and have a talk. If you don't want to ask "are you gay?" then you can always just talk about his performance in sex. Maybe you'll lead on to something.
     
  12. confuzzled82

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    I would say it's likely nerves, and may have something to do with his masturbation technique. If he is gripping too hard, he may need a lot of stimulation to get off, more than a vagina or anus can provide, and more than a person usually would be comfortable giving with their mouth. Some masturbation techniques make it hard/impossible to get off durring sex for these, or other reasons.
     
  13. Akatosh

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    It's your sex too, so just ask him why he doesn't enjoy this, or why he can't get off to this, or why he doesn't fulfill YOUR sexual desires. I've led women through relationships like this, and feel awful for being to scared to discover myself. Also, we're all going to die one day, so time is limited. Be honest and upfront.
     
  14. FunnyMonkey

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    I would not ask him if he is not gay he could take it as an insult( not saying it is) What you have said is really not that much as to hints that he's gay. Just drop some hints and see what he says . ex One of my coworkers just came out I'm so proud of them.
     
  15. Chip

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    The problem with directly asking him -- not that I'm necessarily saying you shouldn't -- is that those suggesting this route are assuming, likely wrongly, that he is gay, knows he's gay, and is at least somewhat comfortable with that idea.

    And I suspect that's not the case, otherwise he would not be with a female partner in the first place.

    So if you ask him, my guess is his most likely reaction is to say no... which won't tell you anything as he might be gay and he might not be, and *he* may not even know.

    I think you have to wait it out a bit and look for other signs, and then maybe ask him in a more gentle way if he's ever questioned his sexuality or something like that. Watch his eyes, body language, breathing, etc, as... if he's not out, it might tell you something.

    And keep us informed. :slight_smile:
     
  16. jvn95

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    I would not ask him. Two if my girlfriends asked me if I was gay, I said no even though something In the back of head told me that was the wrong answer.

    Look for signs. If he knows he is gay, me may say no and lie about it, or he may still be in denial like I was and think he really is straight.

    Don't assume anything.