So, here's the thing about me. About as long as I can remember (but mostly since puberty) I've felt like something has been "wrong with me". I can remember being jealous of the girls in my junior and senior high: their clothes and hairstyles, make up, the shapes of their bodies, femininity all of it. I can remember praying on a lot of different nights that I'd wake up a girl the next morning but it never happened. I've been jealous of various women I've known when they were pregnant and never knowing what that would be like. I hate my body: the hair that grows on it, having to shave my face, my voice, all of it. I came out to my close friends and family about a year ago as gay but I'm starting to wonder if there might not be more to it than that. I've cross dressed at various times in private and I enjoy the feeling of it but there is still this huge, gaping feeling of loneliness and longing for something that I just don't get from it. I've always gotten along better with females and associated better with females than I have males but I've always been attracted to males. I've been married twice and have a son and tried to do a lot of different masculine things to prove my manhood but none of it makes a difference. I've had a couple of sexual relationships with gay men but, while it's physically pleasing, I keep wishing they were straight and when they try to "return the favor", so to speak, I get embarrassed and ask them not to touch me. I hate taking my clothes off even at home alone because of the shame I feel at my body and I just don't know what to do. Am I a basketcase? Could I be transgendered? I honestly don't know or I'm afraid to admit it if I am but I have these deep, dark unsettling depressive episodes every few months for the past decade plus since puberty and I can't take it anymore. Can someone, anyone, please help figure out what's wrong with me and why I feel so destroyed and broken inside my head.
Sounds like you want to become a female. I don't know much about this personally, but perhaps one of our MtF transgenders could provide some insight?
First, I would like to say that I hate to hear that you are and have been going through this. Secondly, I would like to agree with KTWK. It sounds like you are transgendered. Have you sought out counseling? Not to correct it, because there is nothing wrong with you, but to help you sort out these feelings and find a healthy way to deal with them. Maybe you should take a look at some of these websites. I just typed in I might be transgendered into google and this is what I found. The first one seems to be right up your alley. I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What Do I Do? I think I might be Transgender! Kaleidoscope Youth Center - I Might Be Transgender I've skimmed through the information on all of the websites and I think they will help you. Just know that you aren't alone and that you aren't weird or abnormal or crazy. You are a beautiful person. If I know where you lived in I would look for therapists that specialized in LGBT issues and a few support groups you could maybe try out in your area. This is a great site for what you are going through and I'm sure you will find that there are a lot of people here that can help you. I'm not transgendered myself, but I will do my best to help you if you need/want it or just want someone to talk to
I have sought counseling for what I feel inside specifically. I have for the depression and the anxiety I seem to live with all the time. The problem is that I am active duty military and if I start telling people this I can get discharged before my contract ends in two years. The prospect of having no job, going through all of this and no education terrifies me just as badly as what I'm feeling right now. I hate the service because of how I have to hide who I am, regardless of it being gay or transgendered or even just effeminate. But, it pays for my school, bills and child support. I just feel every second of the day that I'm letting everyone I know down by being whatever it is I am and most days I just wish I wouldn't wake up.
