Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me?

So there is this boy I went to high school with (I graduated 5.5 years ago, him a year later) that is still around. I'm not able to write out all the details but this has been a multi-step journey.

I was in drumline in high school and at the end of my junior year (I didn't know him yet but knew who he was, good looking guy, very smart, really well known and liked in his class but he wasn't in the "popular circle") he approached me saying he wanted to join the drumline. And I was like hottie (note: at this point I know I'm gay, I accepted I was gay, but I was so far in the closet it wasn't even funny ... he is straight) ... and he played sax so well that I knew he was good at music and would take it seriously ... so I helped him, so did several others, but I was his main go-to guy. He makes the drumline which is awesome because we become really close friends. Lot of bromancing and being teased about being gay together, although I don't think people actually believed that. But I did develop a crush on him.

By the end of senior year I was crushing on him pretty hard. He was my very first real crush. I'd never fallen for a guy before, he was like gay patient 0 welcome to loving dudes for me. He exhibited signs of being gay (not really really obvious) but I can't get into those because this will be 9 pages long.



Well I planned on staying there for a few months after graduating because I was hopeful at the time that something would happen between us. Family matters happened, then I had to move far away, immediately. It was tough on me and we stayed in good contact for a little while but then it just faded to very occasional texts. I got over the sludgy part of being down about it but I still had the experience filed away under the "tough defeat" tab because I really felt it going somewhere.

Last January (couple years later) I come out of the closet. Several months later I go down to visit him (specifically) for 5 days for my birthday cause I hadn't seen him in 5 years and I missed the shit out of him. About two weeks after this visit he texts me saying basically "Don't say anything about this, but I kinda wish something happened between us during your visit, it turns me on thinking of pleasing you, I'm not gay and I wouldn't kiss or makeout or anything but I'm sexually curious and I want you for some reason." So this throws me for the best loop ever and I'm confused, amazed, and happy all at the same time... after I tell him the story of me crushing on him for all that time ... he then decides to get really dirty with the texts. REALLY. Then pictures start going back and forth and it gets pretty intense and I had never been big on like sexting I guess is what it was. He was telling me what he wanted me to do to him when I got the chance ... I mean I think of the ron burgundy "boy, that escalated quickly" thing.

But whatever positive experience ... I now know that I can have one of my crushes. First time ever. Exciting shit. I just have to get back down to his little town and scheduling/resources haven't been able to facilitate such a trip yet. Every now and then I'll send him a random text if I'm doing something really cool "Hey wish you were here with me to do this" or just little nice things like that, nothin too heavy. He normally responds very briefly or not at all but it's just his style. I don't think much of it. No more of the really dirty texting until ...



Tonight he texts me "I get these urges for you too. I like women otherwise it's weird. Our relationship and you being gay has made me curious. I have the urge to please you and be with you right now. Tell me what do you want to do to me?" and then without delay he gets right back into the really dirty stuff. I dunno I wasn't so much feeling it. Honestly when he asked me what I wanted to do with him I thought in my head cuddle and watch one of the million shows we both love to watch together, let's kiss, and do fun shit together and be romantic. I didn't say that though - that wouldn't have been a very hot response for him haha. I'm not really big on the sexting thing. But damn like this is my guy so I just make up a lie saying I'm at some friends house right now chillin. It eventually came around to talking about our visit from my birthday and I told him I wanted to make a move on him then but I was too nervous he would reject me and I'd be really worried about our friendship. He texts me this in response:

"It probably would have caught me off guard, I dunno I have to be in a horny mood I guess. I dunno if I could kiss you though. I guess it's the hetero in me. I want to but idk man."

This....this really changed the tone of things for me. I had a huge cloud of doubt roll over my head about him which sucks because I'm crazy for this cat. I thought to myself You can get into brutal details about what really gay stuff you want me to do with you (I mean some DETAILS about DIRTY stuff, not out of bounds or anything out of the ordinary, but on the dirty edgy side) but you can't kiss me? I almost fell in love with this guy, the closest I have been yet. So I dunno I kinda froze and stopped responding. He had gone on for a little bit longer then came to:

"Damn, sorry if the kissing thing or any of the above turned you off. I know you're busy though. I guess hit me up when you can. I feel embarrassed now. Please don't show these texts to anyone either man." (I'm literally violating his request by sharing here but....y'all don't tell anybody please, I'll find out who did it if you do.)

I decided to respond with a strong firm message that I wasn't going to blow his cover or out him, I just did 10 years of that shit myself, it would have been the ultimate betrayal. But I did not say anything else. He starts getting dirty again, I didn't respond and he just says "Anyway, I'll ttyl lol. Night."



Now, I actually started writing the thread tonight at this point in the story. My initial purpose of writing this thread was to ask for advice on how to handle or for someone to share relevant experience with this but....as I have been writing it I decided the best thing to do was full disclosure while I still had him tuned-in to me (can be hard to do with him sometimes, he'll just disappear). Total honesty now will save me from a bigger mistake later. Tough as it may be now, it's only going to get tougher. I told him everything how hard I fell for him. How much there is for me emotionally in this story. How I didn't expect him to feel the same. How intimidated I was by jumping straight into sex with no real emotional attachment. I also expressed fear that if we did hook up that I would completely fall in love with him, which is almost certain to happen if we do. How much I loved him as a friend and love our relationship as friends that I said to him we have to do this right or not at all. It's not like that with everyone, I'm down with having a fuck buddy but ... not him. Not us. I would feel so cheated of a really strong connection.

He said "Ok. Best if we don't then. We're friends man. That's that."

:***:!!!!! Now I just lost my one for-sure opportunity to have sex with a guy I'm really attached to and really like, not to mention he'd be my first SO HOT. It was the right thing to do. But I just lost one of the things I was probably looking most forward to doing in my life right now, sad as that may be.

BUT WHAT THE HELL YOU'LL KISS MY ________ AND NOT MY MOUTH???? How does that even make a lick of sense ... I promise you my mouth is cleaner. That MFer said about not wanting to kiss "I guess that's the hetero in me" HAH! Where's the hetero in you when you're saying you want my em... essence all over your ummm... face? Your hetero is clearly gone in that scenario!

I'm sorry that was gross.

Someone enlighten me on what the flip this dude is thinking. I have this odd combination of liberation and dread happening. Half happy because I think I dodged a what could have been a really destructive turn of events for me, but half defeated because ... no more... him. It went from impossible to probable in a single night last year. It jumped down to highly improbable now in an equally rapid time. It's feckin with my head!

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I think most of you are pretty on point but I'll hit on a few things that I think.

First, I know it's a long post...but I somehow squeezed the almost 7-year history of our close friendship into 5 paragraphs. In doing so I don't think I adequately communicated how strong the connection was in high school. And not just sexually. We were so into each other. A day didn't pass where he wasn't at my house or I wasn't at his. And it was equal. We both treated each other the same way. Again it was stroooong.

The 4th paragraph that starts "Well I planned on staying there..." I could have written a post equally as long as the original JUST about that little chunk. I really skimmed over a lot of the connection we had built, the mini-depression that lasted almost a year after I left. Him getting to the point of grieving that I had moved so far away. He was crazy for me. I was crazy for him.

There also was a rumor going around that town last year (small town, word travels fast of things like this sadly) that he and one of the really gay boys down there had a couple month fling going on. Who knows if it's true or not but I will say it's not usual to just find yourself as the subject of a rumor like that by happenstance... but the rumor mill is very unpredictable. I heard it from his cousin. I've never asked him about it because I know he would vehemently deny it.

One last piece of additional background that may be necessary is that the small town we went to school together in (he still lives there) is a small very christian beach community. He's got a devout Christian family who already is really upset with him because he stopped going to church and got caught smoking weed at school HIS senior year. If you remember my description of him... good kid, very smart, very involved in school, really a model student so it was really hard on his fam that this stuff was happening. So I can understand his anxiety to stay in the closet at this point, if that's indeed the case.

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

Truth. I don't believe he is straight at all.

I agree with your fundamental point here but I don't think it's quite reflective of him to say he's taking advantage of me. A lot of the dirty texts were delivered with an attitude of "Anything you want to do to me I'm yours, I just want to please you, anything for you to do this with me (except kissing....:eusa_thin). I want you to take my virginity." Things like that. He was very much trying to connect with me and he was sensitive to what I was giving him back.

But you're right I see him more like a boyfriend and he sees me more like a fuck buddy.

Really really good point here. I forgot (until you reminded me) that I was the exact same way. At age 15 or 16 I knew I was gay but... the thought of kissing or dating or being cute with another man was so foreign and weird and alien. I didn't like it. I knew, once I got to my computer, what I was searching for though, so I was definitely into guys just...kissing them eww gross. I have obviously moved out of it now. I think the hottest thing ever is a real genuine romantic makeout session.

No I think you're right on the money. Who knows for sure but this is where my head is.

Even though this whole thing has happened, in my heart of hearts I really don't think this has reached any sort of finality. You're right we're both young'ns and he seems to still be immersed in the difficult part of the closeted adventure. So I will have my antennae on him still and be there for him 100% as support when he's ready to come out.

As for sexin him up to help get him out of the closet, no thanks. It may even work but ... I would really be putting a lot of myself on the line and if it didn't happen like I wanted it to ... oh man it could be potentially devastating.

While I do think he is sexually very curious, you're totally right. He is a closet case and is exhibiting all the behavior of a closet case. I agree that it wouldn't be fully descriptive to just say "he's curious" but he definitely is very curious. Good description of it I think.

This bold part is the only thing that's off here. He knows lots of gay guys. As a result of living in a podunk Christian town, generally the only gay guys who are out are the ones who couldn't hide it if they tried. Really flamboyant. He and I, both being in marching band (scuse the generalization), were always around many of these types and they were in our group of friends and around school. So no he does have other close gay friends.

I'd be surprised if he's got anything like this going on with any of em. I hadn't even considered it really. This mysterious dude....shoot god only knows. I know that's not what you were suggesting but it popped into my head as I was responding to your suggestion.

Thank you Connor! I literally saw this post and said "That sounds really daggum good" so I finished what I had left of my ice cream for breakfast. I attribute my delicious breakfast to you.

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Thanks for the input peeps

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

:roflmao: