Hello, All, I will start at the beginning. When I was a little kid, I thought I was a boy. I was confused when I was told I was a girl, and when I finally did "understand" I was female, I was unhappy about it. Some part of my mind thought I would go through puberty like a male, which I know makes no logical sense, but in my mind, I saw myself turning into a teenage boy, not a teenage girl. At the beginning of puberty, I named myself Louis and started signing my name L. *last name* meaning Louis instead of my given L female name. Of course, I turned into a teenage girl. I hated my feminine attributes and did consider killing myself a couple of times. However, it was also at this time that I started to question what gender was and "decided" it did not exist. I figured gender was something created in our minds, and I could do whatever I wanted as a biological female because the feminine gender was just a silly construct. I felt alright with that for a while, came to terms with my sexual orientation, and allowed myself to be more masculine- though still a woman. Well, over the last couple of years, I have been miserable. I was not able to figure out why exactly, but I simply found nothing enjoyable. I did not like looking at myself or getting clothing for myself either. I admit, I can be an attractive woman and did realize this- so did other people. However, I felt torn when someone was attracted to me. On the one hand, I liked it, on the other, it felt wrong. I felt like I was lying all the time. I have never had a serious relationship because of this. Finally, I decided to try to be Louis again. This entire weekend, I have been a man, and I feel fine- relaxed and just fine. Well, I felt fine. Now, I feel guilty. I like believing gender is a construct of society, but if I am a transgender person that feels the need to be of one gender rather than the other, does that not in some way validate that gender is something after all? I also feel strange about other women. Why can't I simply be a masculine queer woman? Why must I be a man? Has anyone else felt this way, and if so, how did you sort through the feelings?
IMO it doesn't validate the existence of "gender" in the way you're now thinking of but if it does make someone feel more "right" to change their gender then it shouldn't really matter. l know that all the flavors in Superman ice cream are the same even though they're different colors, l think they're going to taste differently to me so some psychological trolling happens and l think they taste different. And l prefer one color. What you're doing is not saying 1"gender is a silly social construct" but also saying 2 "l'm really a ___" How can one and two coexist peacefully? So, you're not saying that which makes sense to me lol. All that said l don't even believe that all or most biological males feel necessarily "male" so again, while l don't believe in the male gender per se, l think that if a person relates more to that image of themselves it makes them most sense for them personally. And it could be that when a trans person's brain is influenced by hormones or whatever mechanism makes one aware of their gender, it is MORE affected than the average cis person of that gender either because the inconsistency in having a body of one sex and the mind of another makes it seem that way, or because there is some kind of phenomenon that just tends to make masculinized females and feminized males more extreme in their gender for some reason, unknown. Also being that you actually DO feel better while you are in the male presentation... l would say that it's a direct issue with your gender and not something more deep seated, sometimes people transition and don't feel better because they're usually types who just weren't meant to fit it any box or feel disconnected from their bodies for a reason other than being transgendered. Anyway l think you should do what makes you feel best and l respect anyone who does that
Thanks. I think I am beginning to feel better about this. I think the worst part for me is that I do not understand why I must be a man and can't just be satisfied being a mannish woman. I hate not understanding things. hehe
one thing l don't understand about myself when it comes to being gay is how appearance could matter so much. And l've looked at it from every angle. Even when it comes to different kinds of women l'm attracted to, more masculine women seem to have the same effect that men do on me. And l don't really get how that's possible, it's always and still does make me think l could get around it somehow but it just doesn't happen. So l don't understand why something so specific is "right" for me even though l know that there shouldn't be a huge difference between a more masculine woman and a more feminine one for me. Or even a man, for that matter. What is really mind blowing is that if it were the same person, and she presented two different ways, would l only be attracted to one of them? lt's possible... So as much as l can understand that it shouldn't matter and how little difference there is between the two, it still does so l know what that feels like
