OK, so im 18 years old, I just went off to college. Now im up in in Ct, and "on my own" living at Quinnipiac University. I am gay, i have known that i was gay .... for all of my life. I never knew that it was called being gay. I had a hard time figureing out who i was. I cried a lot, but i figured out that i am gay, and that the person i am this person that "God" wanted me to be. I am this way for a reason...no one chooses to be gay. I figured out that i was gay when i was like 14, and it hurt me sooo much. I have always tried to live up to the standard that my parents have set for me, and being gay did not and has not fit in with the plan that they had for me. and i know i should have my own plans, but i cant deal with my parents looking down at me and saying he could have been, if only he wasnt gay. Well...i told my parents i was gay when i was like 16, and it was kind of a OMG ... and i told my mom first ... i thought she would understand, but no, her past has clouded her view of who i am. She asked me if i liked underage "kids," not in that way ... she said ... if ur in a relationship will it be with someone your own age, and stupid me answers yeah ... i hope ... i mean ... i kinda like older men ... but that wasnt the ideas running through her head ... then she said ... have you been doing drugs, and that killed me. I am still the same hard working son she raised. I never did drugs nor has she ever asked/suspected me of doing drugs ... why when i tell her im gay does she think im in to drugs. It hurt me... She never told my dad. End of coming out part 1 Easter sunday ... like months later from the first trial... my friend had bought me a dildo ... idk why ... i never used it ... it was more of a joke then anything. but my mom had found it ... i was at work ... and i hear my name paged and i get the call ... my mom is yelling at me ... cursing at me crying ... i cant remember what she said ... but all i can remember is telling my coworker ... who was 47 ... i worked at a nursing home and was very close with this woman ... her name was isabel and she was the first person i came out 2 ... she actually asked me if i was gay ... and i told her yeah ... wow ... i cried and she hugged me and said everything was gonna be ok ... i asked her if i could live with her ... i couldnt face my mother...my dad picked me up from work and we sat in the car for an hour he talked and i cried ... i never said anything to my mom about it ... i came home ...when 2 bed and cried and went to work the next day. End of Junior year friend makes a cd with some gay porn on it for me ... my mom finds it ... freaks out ... drives 2 my job and says if i ever talk 2 the kid who made me that cd she would go to the cops ... and she drove away ... i cried some more at my job. she goes through my stuff all the time ... i never feel safe ... she never acts as if im gay... still she says ... when u get a wife ... and when we all live in the same town ... i cant live my life knowing i have to hide a part of me ... and each time she suspects something all hell breaks loose...
Sounds pretty rough, C. I'm really impressed that you told your parents when you were 16. That must've taken guts. It does sound like your mom is still denying that your being gay is a permanent thing, which I hear is pretty common. I think my mom was like that for several years. But over time I kept bringing it up in indirect kind of ways -- like I'd mention that I was going to be working at the Pride parade on Saturday or I'd relate a conversation I had w/ someone that included something about me being gay. Each time I bring it up makes it that much easier to bring it up the next time. It's still a little awkward, but it's a lot better than it was just a year ago, I'd say. And in the meantime, try to be a little more discreet! I think dildos and gay porn would be tough for most parents to come upon, regardless of whether they were okay w/ their son being gay or not.
lol ... the gay porn and dildos ... not my finest moments ... i will admit that ... but i still feel that saying little comments are going to make it worse instead of better ... and i will add this now ... since it aint 3 in the morning like my last post ... my mom was more on the poor side growing up, and she lived in an apartment building where the landlord was gay, and he sold drugs and did drugs, and would invite younger guys into his apartment, i dont really know the full story, but thats what i have been able to put together so far.
