Hi I'm 21, female. So last week I had a bad week with my boyfriend where we we're supposed to hang out but essentially he stood me up - he's since apologized so things are okay now. Anyway don't know what got through me because I thought I had my anxiety under control but the day after he dipped, I went out of my way to talk to an acquaintance of mine after friends told me they'd be seeing her that day - so I tagged along just because I knew I'd see her. The thing is that she used to super nervous so I'd avoid her. So anyhow I was really got really ecstatic when I met with her which could have. However as soon as she left I felt so depressed. I wish it was anxiety because I'm paranoid that I'm gay but I can't tell. I should also mention that I've also had an episode in high school where I thought I was in love with my BFF but that didn't end well and I started resenting myself for it. I just feel terrible because I always end up chasing after "girl-crushes" when my there is any strain on my relationships and then I'll get depressed because I feel like a kid in a candy store with no money. So then I'll start resenting the fact that it might mean that I might not be so straight and as a result I'll "jump" onto guys or bfs to prove myself. It's a vicious cycle. I even broke up with boyfriends over this same girl before because I thought somehow it was emotional cheating. Also, my boyfriend knows about my "tendencies", and the acquaintance I was talking about and he's understanding about it and supports me when I get anxious. We're serious about our relationship however he's also mentioned that he doesn't think he can't ever marry me because he's afraid that I'll switch teams on him - which only hurts me and makes me angry with myself. I feel like I torture myself when I do this - maybe I am just addicted to anxiety? Maybe I'm just better single? Fact is that I don't even know if I could be with a woman sexually because I've never been with one before and so maybe I'm kidding myself. All I know is that THIS keeps happening and it sucks.
I was supposed to marry my bf of 8 years in a few months but I called it off because of my questioning. I have questioned for a few years now but having had no experience with girls, I convinced myself that I was happy with my bf (he's an amazing guy). I didn't know any different to being with a guy anyway. But I guess my doubts got too much in the end and now I have hurt him at the worst possible time. The point I'm making is that it's best to try and 'answer' your questions before getting too serious with your bf.
l was similar. l really clung pretty hard to my relationships with men, would have been great relationships if not for my issues. But l was motivated freak out on them by knowing it wasn't really going to work out, and always feeling like l was really meant to be with women. So there's a difference between reacting that way just because you're probably bi and still want to try girls out and reacting that way because you're gay and not into your boyfriend. How much you are into boys is a big factor here lol.
Oh, yes, I've been in your shoes before and it's not fun not knowing who you are. It's taken me years to finally accept who I am, it's an everyday practice actually. I have this tendency to deny my feelings, especially during that time of the month. My ex has been supportive of me, but it hurts that he and I cannot be together; that's been my biggest issue. Walking away is never easy and the uncertainty is very scary. Perhaps, you should be single until you figure things out. That's what I'm doing at the moment and it's awesome. However, I've been extremely anxious lately, but it does get easier eventually, once you're honest with yourself.
