And what now?

Hello everybody.
I stumbled upon EC a few weeks ago, and ever since, more and more pressure set in. I've finally taken the step to ask you guys for help. But enough of the introduction - in order to understand my story, I'll tell it to you from the beginning.

I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW FOR MAKING THIS THREAD SO LONG.

I'm gay, as are you, reading this thread. Being on here, I'm sure you all know those steps from defiance to acceptance. But for me, these steps are really a blur, and I'll do my best to recall everything as accurately as possible.

To be honest, my self-acceptance came quite early. After some experiences, I came to my senses, and thought, "who am I kidding? I'm gay," at the age of 9.
But, in elementary school, only that one person knew, and we kept each others' secret. I kept the "tell no one, no one must know" mentality until very recently. Straight into highschool (pardon that pun!), I was thinking and fantasizing about all the other boys. I had a girlfriend to cover up (I still have her!) so no one suspected anything. You see, I have never been to public school, and, well, I'll get to the issue of my private schools later.
I'm now in grade 10. Myself and this aforementioned kid have still had our secret relationship going, but we don't see each other much, although that's going to change. I'll get to that later, too. But that's just one of those tangents, and I'm doing my damnedest to stay on topic.
Anyway, I guess it was from puberty, or hormones sparking up, or something, but I've been feeling the pressure to come out REALLY BADLY lately. And I mean, hey, I guess I couldn't have chosen a better time - :***:ing homophobic high school. It's a good thing that I chose the right people, because so far, only four people know.
The first person was the hardest. BY FAR. I was all over the internet, going to all kinds of places, looking up advice, but still too shy to ask for my own. Until I got here. Well, sort of. Here, I realized, would be a good place to start. Hopefully I'm not wrong.
Anyways, I put together four sentences, and thrust myself past that point of no return.
To be honest, I wasn't looking for responses, but they fit right into my speech. I went ahead and called a supportive person on Skype.
You see, this guy was a brony. And I thought, "hey, this guy probably isn't gay, but deals with gays all the time. He'll understand!"
It went something like this.
"Hey, <name>, can you keep a secret?"
"Um... sure?"
"<name>, I need you to promise you won't tell anyone else... ever."
"Uh... why are you telling me this?"
*I look at my script, and realize that this line actually fits perfectly*
"Because I know that you will respect me, understand me, and still be my friend."
*Can't imagine what he was thinking I was gonna say there XD*
"OK?"
"<name>, you probably already knew this, but... <name>... I'm gay."
Well, he didn't know. It was quite a surprise. But he took it well.
He told me that I wasn't the only person that chose him as the first to come out to, which made me feel so much better.
BUT the conversation was pretty terrible. I broke down crying, and I will tell you straight up that emotional is NOT the way to go when coming out. It only makes the conversation REALLY REALLY AWKWARD.
Anyway, a day later, a conversation came up with some random girl, and she was like, "you're gay, aren't you?" And by that time, my face couldn't hide anything, and I said, coolly, "yeah. How'd you know?" To which she responded, "in public school I learned to tell when you use a girl as a cover-up."
Well, then I thought, "OH :***: THE WHOLE WORLD PROBABLY KNOWS ALREADY!"
I really was ready to come out to everyone right then and there. But she gave me the best advice, which I will again share with you.
When you really feel like in one day you can come out of the closet to the whole world, DON'T. YOU WILL REGRET IT. Tell people who you are comfortable with knowing first.
It's that piece of advice that saved my dignity. Now, whenever I want to tell someone, I ask myself, "What will I gain by that person knowing/not knowing?" I suggest you do the same.
Anyways, here is where it gets complex. I finally got to the phase where "it's safe to tell people that I'm gay." Well, sort of. I still haven't told my parents, and I probably won't for a long time. I'll probably even let them figure it out for themselves. In my opinion, they don't need to know, and I doubt that they would be so supportive.
Anyway, now to the reason I'm posting.
I spent a weekend in another city to chill with some friends from my old school (again, I'll get to that real soon), and manged to see one of my best guy friends. Now the thing about this guy friend is that I'm pretty sure he's gay. We're pretty close, so I knew he wouldn't be offended and all, and so I asked him (NOTE: this probably made him feel really insecure, I don't recommend doing this, in hindsight), "I won't tell anyone, but be honest... are you gay?"
I could swear I saw an emotion flash on his face, but then just as quickly it had gone. He responded, in a "that's ridiculous" voice, "no, are you?"
And I couldn't help it. "Yep."
The hammer dropped (I'm probably mixing that up with another idiom...) - he was genuinely shocked. He gave me this look, but I can't describe it. But I'm sure you know what I mean... a very surprised look, almost *pleasantly* surprised. But who am I to judge?
Today, he struck up a text conversation with me, as if he wanted to say something, but it didn't really go anywhere. It just ended with a "lol" and come on, what the hell does someone respond to that?
Anyway, I want your advice, people. Here is the real point of my post. But before you reply, read the two tangents below, they will help you understand a bit more backgroun story.
What should I do? I really want to start a relationship with this guy, but I don't want to creep him out. I'm convinced he's gay, but he won't admit it. Should I try to coax it out of him? Let him decide on his own? Bother him? Ask him again? Straight up be like "I know you're gay, no need to worry, I can help you," etc.? Give up and move on? Please help... I'm really not sure.

And now, TANGENT #1 - Private Schools
Like I mentioned before, I've never been to public school. My elementary school environment was, no joke, 150 kids, same school, all the way from pre-kindergarden to grade 8. For grade 9, I went to a private high school in a different city. The hour commute was hell, but I really enjoyed being with my friends there... I had met them all at summer camp, and through that affiliation, I knew 70% of the kids at this new high school already. Thing is, it's an all-boys school. This wreaks havoc on my brain. Being the third-shortest kid in the whole school (only 170 kids or so) I developed small-man syndrome and was openly bullying as many people as I could. I'm not very strong, but I'm a good fighter, so my point always went across. The only awkward times there were in the changing rooms - I would always go into a stall, as did the aforementioned first person I came out to. This year, in grade 10, my mom put me into a local private school that started four years ago with 26 kids. I'm the oldest guy there, out of four. Sucks, I know. Not even another guy in my grade. Plus, my cover-up girl (two years strong! YIKES!) followed me to this school. But here's the awesome part. My mom has promised to put me back into the other high school for grade 11, so I maintain contact with my old friends, which is why I ended up there last weekend. So, my question that forms is only answerable after reading tangent #2 - Do I come out to the people at my school looking for support, or do I not tell them and simply forget about them?

Here's the big twist: TANGENT #2 - JUDAISM, MOTHER:***:ERS!!!
Oh, don't even get me started. Jews are so closed-minded to gay relationships that I've yet to see one Jew say that Leviticus 18:22 could be interpreted differently. It's this that stops me from saying to the world, ":***: EVERYONE! I'M GAY!" The homophobia in orthodox Jewry is scary, because until this year (the people at my current school are primarily catholic), I HAVE BEEN GOING TO ORTHODOX JEWISH SCHOOLS.
Don't get me wrong. It is my faith. I really do believe everything, and I really do want to be a devout Jew. But I feel like my sexual orientation doesn't allow me. I have been told, "go see a rabbi" but I don't have the courage. I feel like I will be ousted by the community, labelled, and discarded. I even believe that homosexual intercourse is a sin! AND IT'S THIS PROBLEM THAT STOPS ME FROM BEING WHO I WANT TO BE! I don't understand - I don't want to cast religion aside, but I want to be free to have a relationship as I want. As to why God disallows this, only he knows, but he seems to always be right. So for now, I can only say, "I'll think about it later." But here is my final question: What should I do about my parents/fellow community members/other people who are homophobic Jews? Should I simply never tell them? Should I just forget religion altogether?

______________________________________________________________

I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I really do feel like everything here needed to be said. I'm looking forward to your replies to my three basic questions.

Just to reiterate:
1. What do I do about my friend? I think he's gay, but he won't admit it.
2. Should I tell (and ask fro support from) my school friends who I am not likely to see again?
3. What about Judaism? And what about global/other religious homophobia in general?

Thanks,
A concerned, stressed, barely-a-toe-out-of-the-closet gay teen.

-E.F.

 

Divopix:

First of all, thanks so much for taking the time to read that whole post.

I'm going to take your advice. I do believe deep down that the decision is mine, and you really did confirm that they don't need to know. Now that I know there is little possibility for acceptance, I feel like it's not worth the risk anymore. Thanks so much.

With regards to my friends in school, I'm not sure if I was clear enough... I probably should have mentioned that I haven't really told them that I'm leaving. Maybe I could ask these people for support, because they aren't Jewish?

And of course, that's what I'm here for. I agree with you 100% - no one knows my story better than me, but I can at least know that I always have support right here!

Thank you so much for taking the time to understand my story and to offer your help. It really means a lot to me to know that someone here cares!

-E.F.

 

4AllEternity:

Thanks for that. You really helped me understand what can go through someone's mind - I guess it could just be my hormones thinking "he is SO into me!"
I appreciate this advice, and I'm glad that you can give an opinion that I didn't think of before!

-E.F.

---------- Post added 28th Jan 2013 at 12:18 AM ----------

Divopix:

To be honest...
Hehe, she probably already knows. I'm just waiting for the right moment to tell her.
But I'm not sure - my plan at this point is to tell her while we're distant again, when I go back to the all-boys school. This way she doesn't have to look at that guy everyday that never had an interest in her.

WELL, that's not really what I mean, but that's probably how she'll take it. I really do like her, just not sexually. She really helps me through all kinds of tough times, and we have confided so many things in each other already. I've come pretty close, but I've never told her full-out that I'm gay. Every time we hug, I feel like I'm reminding myself "this is never going to work out, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole," but at the same time, its "I want to make her happy" and so I'm REALLY stuck. I guess I'll have to see what happens as life goes along.

-E.F.

 

Divopix:

Well, I guess I'm not totally ready to come out to her yet, but hey, you're right, seeing as we haven't done anything, she probably does know. Hm. I guess I just have to get over the shame of being gay.

 

I think I'm going to text him and see how it goes.
BUT OF COURSE!
I'll ask for your approval first, guys.
Something like this seems appropriate:
"Hey, <name>, did I creep you out on Saturday? Did you know?"

If he answers "yeah you :***:ing weirdo don't come near me again, I always knew you were gay" then I'll simply refuse to respond.
If he answers "to be honest, whatever floats your boat. I was pretty sure" then I'll follow up with something like "are you worried that I might have feelings for you?" - Or something along those lines.
If he answers "it came out of the clear blue for me. But please just be gay with someone else" then I'll apologize for wasting his time.
And if he answers "I had no clue, but hey idc" then I'll... ask him again if he's gay? Something like "hey I don't mean to press, but I can keep a secret - if you're gay I'm totally cool with that" should suffice.

Anyway, should I go ahead with it? Should I just leave him alone? Is there anything you would suggest to change with what I say/respond?

Please help. I'm DYING to know - this boy is SOOOO cute and I'd LOVE to start a relationship with him.

 

Here's how it went down.

"Hey man, did I creep you out on Saturday? Did you even know?"
"Creep me out about what? And what did I know?"
"Me being gay"
"No, it didn't creep me out. And I didn't know."
"But wasn't it obvious?"
"What's obvious?"
"That I'm gay?"
*wow he's taking a long time to catch on*
"No, it isn't."
"When did you find out?"
*THERE WE GO!*
"Like five years ago. Only started telling people a couple weeks ago. Told 3 people already."
"So dating <current girlfriend> was all fake?"
"No, I really do like her. Just not sexually."
"Ah. Does she know?"
"No, I don't think I'll ever work up the courage to tell her. She's already asked, and I've lied."
"Well at least you're STARTING to admit it..."
*OK NOW IT'S TIME*
"Yeah. I guess. You free this weekend? You should stay over in Hamilton. No homo."
*LIES! Maybe I'll get him to admit it though.*
"That would be awesome."
====MAKING ARRANGEMENTS====
"OK, so my dad said yeah."
"Alright! I'll ask my parents then talk to you tomorrow."
"Good night!"
"Good night."

*SCORE!*

So now I have one of those high school friends coming over. I just wanna hug the :***: out of him when he comes! I'm really excited.

And now, as for another tangent...

I struck up another Skype convo with the friend I came out to first. Unfortunately, I deleted it before I could post it here (silly paranoid me). But I can summarize it for you. Pretty much, I thanked him for his continuous support, and let him know that I was completely open to questions, no matter how personal.

And it doesn't need to stay in Skype, I'll just reiterate it here on EC. (Note: extreme irony incoming. I'm barely out of the closet yet, and no one knows of my plans for bromance.)

I DON'T GIVE A :***: WHAT YOU SAY TO ME. GO AHEAD, ASK ME ALL THE PERSONAL QUESTIONS YOU WANT. I'M DONE HIDING EVERYTHING. MY FABRIC OF LIES IS NOW UNRAVELING. MY LIFE DOESN'T NEED TO REMAIN IN SECRECY. ASK ME EVERYTHING. STUPID QUESTIONS, I DON'T CARE. "ARE YOU A DIRECTIONER?" "ARE YOU TURNED ON BY YOUR OWN DICK?" "IS THAT WHY YOU LEFT AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL?" "IS THAT WHY YOU ALWAYS CHANGED IN THE STALL?" I'M READY TO TAKE ALL THE FLAK YOU CAN GIVE ME, HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLES!

And btw, the answer is yes only to the second and fourth questions. See what I mean? I'm not afraid to answer those honestly.

Ah, the liberty of life outside of the closet... even if I only have a couple toes out the door!

-E.F.

 

LIFE'S A BITCH. YOU JUST GOTTA :***: IT HARDER.

Well, with my mom being 8 months pregnant, she's having a planned Cesarean in a week. Looks like I'm postponing, I told my friend to wait three weeks.

:***::***::***::***::***::***::***:

Maybe I just should just ask to stay at his house instead...

 

ForceAndVerve:

Well, I told him, but I think if I ask it would be way too obvious I want to have a relationship with him...
But then again, I'm not sure what I want to do anymore.
I'm feeling conflicted now... hold on while I collect my thoughts.

*Seduction by Eminem playing in my head! ARGH!*

OK, let's see.

Scenario 1: If I wait - Well, if I wait, I wait, enough said.
Scenario 2: I ask him. Well, this one's a bit more problematic.
Problem 1: I said "NO HOMO" (I lied.) when I invited him to Hamilton.
Problem 2: I invited him to Hamilton, and now I don't just want to invite myself over to his house... kinda rude.
Problem 3: He'll probably catch on that I wanna start a relationship...
Problem 4: My mom's pregnant.
Scenario 2a: Isn't that what I want? He'll get it, he'll invite me over, we'll talk. He might even come out.
Scenario 2b: He'll be all creeped out (for real) that I'm into him (but he probably already knew that - BUT THEN WHY THE :***: DID I SAY NO HOMO?!?!?!) and stop talking to me.
Scenario 2c: He's straight. Sorta ties in to 2b.
Scenario 2d: My mom doesn't let me go. Return to scenario 1.
Scenario 3: I wait, then go to HIS house. Refer to scenario 1, then 2.

DAMMIT this is complicated. Does anyone here follow? Any advice?

-E.F.

---------- Post added 29th Jan 2013 at 08:17 PM ----------

Whoops, screwed up the ordering. Switch up problem 3 and 4 and then scenario 2a makes much more sense. Sorry!

-E.F.

 

HAHA, :***: MY ISP. Internet's been down for a couple days, but now I'm back.

OK, so I told my friend to hold off for three weeks. Big deal, I don't want to get him suspicious. I guess I really can't go wrong this way.

And just a side point... My school recently had its teachers interviewed on local radio, so now we have new people coming in to see what it's like. Open house, whatever you want to call it. Pretty much, no one my age came. But there was this one guy.
Pretty cute, 15, but totally straight. I'm almost sure. But there's one thing I like about this guy... he showed me that there is hope.

You see, I think one of the girls at my school is catching on that I'm gay. I guess I need to stop staring at the guys' asses and pay a little more attention to tits. Shake her off my tail.
She's been taunting me, I'm almost sure she knows. She's been talking loudly around me, not necessarily to me, about this guy and that guy and how they're gay. She seems to only talk about gay guys, not talking about her boyfriend anymore. Highly unusual behaviour. She's suggested that I would do gay things like two or three times a day. I got caught in one of the most "he's definitely not straight" situations, and barely made my way out.
"What do you do in your spare time? Think about girls?"
"Not really, only sometimes. Usually I just think about other random things."
"Really? But I thought guys just think about girls 24/7..."
"Not necessarily 24/7, but how can I not think about girls? Are you saying I'm gay or something?"
"Well, when DO you think about girls?"
"Oh, I don't know, when I'm talking to them, whatever, I think about them for a bit. Then my mind just usually moves on to other things."
*She laughs*
"Like how to clean up?"
*We laugh together*

Later on that day, she asks the visiting guy if he knows this guy, who happens to be gay, but few people know. The guy brought out his phone and grabbed some photos off facebook to show us, and said, "yeah, this guy? I know him." He was, needless to say, pretty hot. I guess the girl noticed me looking more intently than I should have been, because she was like, "do you think he looks good?" I answered, "To be honest, he's not bad. Why do you ask, you think I'm gay or something?"
That's when this visiting guy picked up the cue, and saved the day.
"There's nothing wrong with being gay."
I felt SO AMAZING after he said that.
"I never said there was anything wrong with it, I just want to know why she's asking."
She gave a shy "I don't know..." and walked away.

When that conversation sort of came up again, I asked, "are you sure he's gay?"
She responded weakly, "he says he's not, but he just doesn't know he's gay. He's never talked about girls, we all know it."

Later that night, I called this visitor up and came out to him, thanked him for being such an amazing person, and posted on facebook that "the world has hope."

SO TO SUM THIS POST UP:
1. Postponed the invitation for my friend from out-of-town.
2. Confidence boosted by this guy who respected me without knowing I was gay!
3. Annoying girl who I want to shake off my tail.

NOTE: The reason I'm not coming out to this girl and telling her to shut up because she's offensive, is because she's really close with my girlfriend and would tell her. Also, she probably wouldn't keep it a secret from the REST of the world for more than a week.

Thanks,

-E.F.