Foolish idea

It`s probably different for everyone, but for me it`s not about "needing to be out to everyone". It is the problem that occurs when you sit at work during coffee-break, and people are discussing romantic topics, like being given flowers, and they expect you to participate in the conversation, but you can`t tell them about how you felt when you got flowers from your girlfriend, because then the "she" will reveal that your girlfriend is actually a female (in Norwegian our word for it isn`t gender specified, so you can use the word, without revealing gender). Or when (at my work, they`re all married straight ladies it would seem) they discuss their husbands or other relationships issues. It`s dominating the small talk during the coffee breaks, and it is driving me mad.

Because of that, I would like to be open at work, so that I could participate in conversations such as that, which is expected, the boss said so when I started, they like everyone to be social and participate to "create a good working environment". However, as I am new in a job right now, I don`t feel comfortable with outing myself, so I sit there and either don`t say anything, or if asked have to give odd tweaked replies that don`t reveal anything, which is irritating and frustrating. To family and friends I am out. But I would like to be out at work as well. I just lack the balls for it.

 

It's important because it isn't normal (in this context, I'm using normal to mean the average, not correct/incorrect), because of that, people assume you're straight and act accordingly. By not coming out, mental stress can pile on, which can be physically and mentally damaging. You come out for yourself, to accept yourself even further and say that you don't care if people care about it.

Personally, I just told my close friends, family and anyone who asks/gets the idea I'm straight (I.E a girl showing interest or a guy wishing to discuss the female body).

I know it's hard to accept, but labels make things easier. I personally love labels as it makes you able to identify and analyze things quicker. If someone tells you they're gay, you don't have to spend ages looking at their eye contact/lip movement etc to figure out what gender they're interested in. It's just easier is all, I think the people who aren't comfortable being gay are the people who hate labels the most, as they don't like being called gay, but that's what they are, gay.

All the best.

 

On the one hand, people shouldn't feel pressured to come out if they're not ready - forcing someone to come out early before they can really handle it isn't going to do them any good.

On the other hand, if the person has even the slightest of positive or neutral reactions to their coming out, in most cases I've known (including my own), the person is much, much happier afterwards - the psychological and emotional toll of pretending their whole lives often gets to be heavier than they realize.

And for that matter, straight people do, in fact, wander around telling the world they're straight - just not in so many words. When they tell someone in the family at thanksgiving they had a great date with a girl from their social studies class - when they announce their engagement to the guy they've been seeing for a couple years - when they tell you they're expecting a baby - all of these are directly related to their sex life and the fact that they're attracted to people of the opposite sex. Not being able to share this information would be just as hurtful to straight people as not being able to share the equivalent information in their lives is to gay people - hence, coming out.

 

Coming out is a very personal thing and is what "you" want it to be and no one else. To some it's telling everyone, to others it's telling a few. My circle encompasses most friends and about one third of my co-workers.

 

I agree that not everyone needs to know. I wouldn't blurt it out to the cashier at a grocery store or that random tourist who asks for directions. But if it comes up in conversation, I'm not going to hide who I am or pretend to be straight. Doing that feels like a punch to the gut every time. Everyone's different though. All that matters is that you feel comfortable and happy with how out you are.

 

I don't feel a need to come out because I have to or something. I want to come out, because being closeted makes having a relationship nearly impossible. Unless people know from the beginning, most will pass you by if they think "naw, he's probably straight".

There's also the fact that it's a part of me that I'd like to be able to express publicly. This part is less of a big deal to me, since I'm pretty introverted, but still, it does compel me to tell people every now and then.

I'm pretty sure these two reasons are the same for most gay/bi and especially trans people (being able to express their real gender is the main reason most trans people come out, I'm sure).

 

I agree with some aspects of this, but there are many important reasons to come out. Firstly, everyone assumes we're something we're not, that we're straight. We get asked frequently about the opposite-sex and if we've met anyone yet and it's just frustrating to have to feel so trapped that you can't just be open and say, no I haven't met a GUY yet.

I just believe that through out lives we are made to feel like second-rate citizens and that we need to hide and pretend we're something we're not. Coming out allows us to be who we are without having people question us on a day-to-day basis.

The point I do agree with are that we shouldn't HAVE to come out, but the reality is, we do. Only me knowing about my orientation would send me crazy and it already has somewhat. I can't imagine how those who keep it to themselves throughout their whole lives must feel...such a lonely life to live.

 

I felt compelled to come out, I couldn't keep how I felt to myself. I'm a very open person and I'm always getting together with family/friends, so it would've been hard to keep my girlfriend a secret. It's not fun being a secret or introduced as the "friend", it makes my blood boil. Now, if you're in danger then coming out wouldn't be a good idea. I'm fortunate enough to live in a country where I can be myself and I'm not ashamed of who I am. I used to be, but not anymore.

 

Do you equate coming out or even talking about a gay relationship with someone as equivalent to talking about sexual positions? So tell me this: if I have a picture of my wife on my desk, that's ok, but if it's of my husband or boyfriend, it's not, because people will assume we must have gay sex :eek: I'm sorry, but sharing your relationships with family and friends and yes, even co-workers, is absolutely normal and has been how society has functioned forever. And when people assume that you are interested in the opposite gender because of the sheer percentages, that can be a very difficult thing to keep quiet about for many LGBT people.

 

I think it's more to do with what the first responder said. It isn't a necessity to tell people about yourself, but it makes things easier.

To answer your question overall, the majority of people are straight, heterosexuality it what makes the human race continue, it is important, therefore people assume heterosexuality out of everyone, this assumption isn't an error on other peoples part. It is a logical thought process because it is encoded in most people to be attracted to the opposite sex. It is like serving pizza for dinner, it is something that is assumed to be universal or at least for the majority, so most people won't bother to ask "do you like pizza" because most people do, and since the chances of you not liking it is slim most people would serve pizza to a guest or friend for dinner without even bothering to ask if you like it. Just like most people assume you like the opposite sex.

This though in return creates a barrier, and can make being gay seem like a big deal though. Because since it is assumed people are straight, the fact someone has to correct another persons assumption is kind of annoying. So back to the pizza analogy, most people who didn't like pizza wouldn't bother to correct whoever serves them it, out of respect. There is the odd person who would complain regardless. I see me more of someone who wouldn't complain about it, and would just go with it and eat the food I don't like. This analogy may seem off, but it is the fact that I carry that personality trait that I like to please people, fit in, and don't like correcting people who derailing a conversation or plan. Therefore me, and a lot of the posters, and the OP, don't like the fact we have to correct people on our sexuality. We don't like having things assumed about us, but we don't feel the need to make things awkward and strike those assumptions down.

To be fair to everyone else that makes these assumptions, it really is just a matter of statistics. There are more heterosexuals than homosexuals, and since being politically correct isn't 100% in our culture yet, those assumptions aren't that strange. I think people don't like to tip toe around everything they say. It is like Christmas holidays, and people who aren't from Christian backgrounds. They get asked about Christmas...etc Christian holidays, and have to correct people. Now people are more aware and tend to refer to Christmas and other Christian events as holidays to not leave out others. Homosexuality may be moving more into that direction. Words may be more common in conversation so you can't define a relationship as homosexual or heterosexual as easily. I think saying someone or somebody instead of him or her, could be a start towards this. I'd rather be asked if I am seeing anyone, or somebody, instead of a girl or a guy. At least when asked this I don't have to correct the person and can answer honestly. It really isn't that hard either for people to start being more open in their conversations. All it really takes is using words that don't specify a sex. This at least can include everyone, much like asking someone what they are doing for the "holidays" instead of Christmas, leaves the conversation open to take other routes. Saying what are you doing for Christmas, sets a non-christian up to be alienated, and to have to correct the questioner.

It really doesn't take much, society just needs to be taught to leave conversation "open" when talking to someone you don't know. People may see this as censorship but it is more along the lines of changing social paradigms. If someone didn't have the idea that everyone is heterosexual in their head, maybe they wouldn't have a problem changing their speech. But as long as media, and everything else gives us the image of a heterosexual nuclear family as a representation of ourselves, people will feel their speech and rights are being infringed. Much like how people bitch about not being able to say Merry Christmas to everyone, it's not infringing your rights, it is teaching you to be more tolerant, and to stop assuming everyone is a Christian. If Christianity hadn't been so nailed into western societies head, racism and "politically correct speech" wouldn't even be an issue.

It all start's with social paradigms, and how people think as a result.

 

^^This.

Talking about your relationships with coworkers is perfectly normal. Straight people do it all the time. Just acknowledging that you are in a relationship, or even just that you date same sex people, is not explicit sexual information. It's extremely offensive to imply that just allowing people to know you are gay is the same thing as talking about fetishes or sexual positions. For example, if someone tells you that they are lonely and looking for a relationship, that is not equivalent to telling you even that they want to have sex, much less what particular sexual activities they are interested in.

Gay people have lots of different kinds of sex. And some gay people do not have sex at all. Telling someone your sexual orientation does not tell them what you do or don't do sexually.

Specific sexual activities are private business in our culture, but romantic relationships normally aren't. People talk about their girlfriends, boyfriends, wives and husbands all the time. "I have a date [with a man/woman] tonight" is not considered inappropriate to discuss with anyone, really. Only if you proceed to discussing your specific planned sexual activities would it be considered inappropriate.

---------- Post added 28th Jan 2013 at 12:02 PM ----------

Marriages, in fact, are not only not private information, but are a matter of public record.

 

I think you'd feel differently if you were in the workforce and had a same sex relationship.

That's where I found myself - after having been married for a woman for 9 years and having 2 children. I was known at work as being that person, who then divorced his wife. 3 or 4 years later, everyone at work still thought of me as that guy - but I was in fact seeing my boyfriend.

So when asked what I had done over the weekend - I had to lie. When asked who I was going away on vacation with - I had to lie. It became more and more uncomfortable for me - and my relationships at work suffered as a result. I would appear distant and aloof. Everyone else could talk about their wife, their boyfriend, their husband, their girlfriend. And I couldn't.

Is that fair? I don't think so.

And I certainly don't equate it to talking about sexual positions. People know I have a husband. They don't know what I did with him last night. THAT would be inappropriate - just as it would be inappropriate if a peer told me what he had done with his wife last night.

But as others have said - you don't need to come out unless you want to, and you shoudln't come out before you're ready. I waited about 2 years to come out at work after coming out to myself and my wife.