Gender Roles in Lesbian Relationship

There doesn't have to be gender roles in a relationship. It's all based on preference. When I'm in a relationship, I do prefer there to be a gender role or dom/sub role. But I've known of very many successful relationships without them. I think you need to try and open up to your girlfriend. What I don't understand is why being the dominant one in the relationship means you can't open up. Even though I prefer to be submissive in a relationship, I would want my partner to be open and vulnerable with their feelings. Both partners being open and vulnerable is a good thing to have in a successful relationship. I don't think it's very fair of her to say she wants to be top now, and if things don't change then the relationship won't last. You two need to discuss this and figure out a way to take turns being the dominant one.

 

Hi listenandtell,

My relationship with my (female) partner is very egalitarian. We both enjoy "bottoming" and "topping" one another, and there is no standard or fixed role for either of us. But this is balanced and spurred by a longstanding arrangement of shared responsibility and respect between us. We each have areas where we excel, and things we're each "in charge" of, because of that...but we do our best to make sure it all balances out and we're doing similar amounts. Finances-wise, we do the budget together each month...I created the structure and maintain the budget book; she sifts through the receipts with me and helps me assemble the amounts we're adding and subtracting. In terms of affection, compliments, gift-giving, etc., we're pretty comparable there as well.

It sounds like you *can* play that way, but that is not the current pattern between you and your partner. I would suggest having that conversation with her: to you, egalitarianism cannot be *just* a bedroom gig...in order for egalitarianism to work for you in bed, you'll need her to "step up" and play a more equal role in the responsibilities and "niceties" of the relationship. She may or may not be interested in that or willing/able to do it...but having the conversation will give you both important information. Be nice: it's not an ultimatum (if you want this, I have to have that)...just a statement of your needs, and what would help you to accommodate her request for sexual egalitarianism.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

 

We are both femme. What I miss most about dating a man is being a bit catered to in terms of I choose the movie, he carries the suitcases and takes care of the yard. Being equals can be a little annoying. In our relationship though she was married to a man for a long time, while I always lived alone before we moved in together. She was used to her husband doing certain things that I have no intention of doing like yard work for example.

Financially, she is definitely the bread winner and so that tends to put her in the driver's seat or the more "masculine" role in that sense. However since she has children and I don't, she tends to view me as the "husband" role which frustrates both of us.

Romantically, I definitely play the "girl" role in my expectations for romance but she is just not used to doing any of that and so I'm always disappointed in that dept. that has lead me to take the more "masculine" role of setting the stage for romance such as picking up flowers or earrings or something.

Overall, we split the roles in all areas except for finances. I make a good salary but hers is more than double what I make so I let her control the finances.

 

>< this is getting weird to me that this is taken so seriously.

That she would actually say that. Sub/dom is talked about here but what you're saying makes it sound so structured.

l'm not into that, this reminds me of years ago when a butch girl told me l couldn't be with other girly girls.

Now you see sub/dom within 2 femmes which is nice. But the sub/dom dynamic is SO strong. Why?

Don't people just like to alternate?

 

This is interesting. I have never been in a relationship with a guy, but I've put a lot of thought into which role would I fulfill. And, I for sure wouldn't be happy being exclusively one "role". I don't know what my partner will want, but I will definitely push to not have an exclusivity as such in the relationship. In my mind, I won't grow as a person doing the same thing all the time. I dunno the dynamics that are involved in such a relationship, I just want it to be "equal" across the board. I see it as sharing more aspects of the relationship. I'm not sure if gay couples feel "un-equal", but I think I would be in the same mindset as your gf. Are you afraid of not feeling in control? This could be a chance for you to grow. I hope you explore your gf's request

 

Well I've been in a relationship for a year and a half with a girl and we're both femmes (I guess that's the right word lol) and we don't have "roles". Like we kind of switch at times. I guess I've sometimes seen myself in the more "male" role (the best way I can explain is to compare it to a straight relationship. sorry) as in like I do the driving, pay for things and stuff like that but that's only because I'm older (not an illegal age difference no worries) and at a different point in my life (I was also a year ahead in high school). I don't think that type of thing is all that important in a relationship.

 

same here. l really can't imagine going into a relationship taking these roles so seriously that you have the structure verbally laid out and don'w want to violate it.

Like, even with my relationships with men it wasn't this way. Mostly based on personality and then the dynamic developed naturally.

And would not always be consistent, l can't agree to be either one of these roles forever.

 

Yeah, even though I'm mostly submissive, I do want to have a good bit of responsibility. I want to be able to drive the car, pay some bills, hold the door open, hold a job, etc. I was actually in a relationship with a woman 8 years older than me, and she refused to let me pay for anything. It got very frustrating at times.

 

u___u sounds a little odd, not to mention you were...12?

*minds own business*

 

LOL WAT? O_O

I wasn't 12, lmfao! I was 16. XD

 

lmaoo girl how old IS UUUUUUU. info box says 21.

OOOOOOOOOOOH.
dERP.


DERP

DERP. "8 years older than me''. not "for years" READING DERP.

 

HAHAHAHAHA YEAH!

I was in a relationship with a 24-year-old woman when I was 16. LOOOL
I said 8 years older. Not 8 years ago. HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

lmao, im so glad l said something because l almost didn't.

 

lmfao if i was in a relationship with a woman at 12... can someone say statutory? is the monthly curse still affecting you? bless your heart. XD

 

u_______u lol

 

:>

 

ಠ_ಠ

 

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ಠ_ರೃ Quite.

 

lol. ya rly.