Throughout my whole life, I had always identified as being a straight female. Now with recent and past events that come to mind, I have begun to question myself. I had thought that I was just immature when it came to kissing scenes because I would get grossed out, fake gag, cover my face with a pillow and look away. When the scene was between 2 girls however, I enjoyed it. I had always believed myself to be envious of pretty girls and women but now I am thinking maybe it is more to it than that. Problem is I have low self esteem and confidence so I have never got much experience. People say it is normal to m*********, but I have never done it and never really wanted to even while watching ****. Speaking of ****, I have noticed that I prefer lesbian over straight. I have always thought straight sex to be demeaning to the girl (I'm weird I guess). Going back to my experiences, I always had crushes on guys (but not with the desire to date them, just because I thought they were cute). Girls I have always been jealous of I would go "she's so pretty" and "she has a really nice body" (stuff like that). With guys, I was never the one to go "omg he is so hot" and unlike other girls I never really liked talking about guys and how cute they are. One time I sort of got a bf (I say sort of because I don't really count it) and when he tried to kiss me, I pulled away. Then I started to like hide from him. Fear maybe or something not right? I would love to say that nothing happened to me when I was younger to make me fear men but I would be lying? So I guess I could possibly just have a fear of men and tricking myself into thinking I'm lesbian. When I was younger, my mom's bf touched me inappropriately. I hate his guts. Still do. She is still with him. My real dad was barely there so yeah I guess I got daddy issues. Also, I used to watch a lot of Maury when I was younger, so I saw the bad side of straight guys, abuse, cheating, etc. So I guess that could have an effect too. Another thing is I have always been intrigued by the lgbt community (does that mean something?) Am I just a feminist? I've always kind of wished I was a boy (but that might be normal) I like the idea of being with a girl better than a guy but could that be because of my background? I like the idea of kissing a girl better than kissing a guy also. I will admit that I am a virgin and the idea of sex with a guy is scary and I just don't like the image however, the idea of sex with a female is less intimidating and I just like the image better. I have a hard time picturing myself though (self-esteem issues probably). I really need help figuring this out. Please and thank you.
You could be lesbian, you could be straight, you could be an alien from deep space. Nobody but yourself can tell you what you're attracted to and who you are. We can say that those signs seem to point in the lesbian direction, but you know better than we do. Just try not to worry too much about it and it's all normal. No need to use stars for porn and masturbate! Good luck
It's ok to question. Sometimes I still do. I think queer is the best way to describe myself. Not sure if I'm lesbian or bisexual. I just know I'm not straight. Initially, when I started questioning, I would never allow myself to imagine anything other than kissing or touching a woman's breasts. It's the same as when I was interested in boys as a younger girl. I would never imagine sex. It's the same. Just enjoy what you are ready for and don't push yourself or allow anyone to push you. Hope this helps.
@Divopix I try not to worry about it but then it comes on my mind again. I'll just try harder. So then while I am still uncertain of my sexuality, should I stay "in" the closet (if there even is one to stay in lol). Now that I'm in college, I'm more open to dating but more so with a girl. Idk lol guess I'm still kind of immature, but I still get uncomfortable with those words and I still feel guilty after watching ****. @Femme Come to think of it, when watching **** I usually did focus on the girl, I never had it in my head that I wanted a guy to do that stuff to me, I always focused on the girl. So maybe that was a sign. Though I want to go out with a girl, I am still really nervous and worried about it. Unfortunately, I am one of those ppl that care what other ppl think. I would be afraid to do it publicly but I have no desire whatsoever to go out with a guy so maybe that's another sign. Have you ever been out with girls? How do you meet them? How did you get over the fear of other people? btw guys I'm sorry to ramble on so crazily, it's just I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I just got so excited to talk to people that I can relate to. Thanks so much for replying guys. You are helping me so much and I really appreciate it.
You remind me of myself a lot. Every since I was young, I thought women were way better looking than men I have had crushes on guys and even have sex with guys but I always wanted it more with women. I didn't enjoy the sex with guys but I still haven't done it with a woman. I never really had much respect for men either. My cousin forced me to do things with him when I was young and my dad wasn't around much and my step dad beat and cheat on my mama. So I never really witnessed a good guy. The thing with ****, I feel the same as you. When it is straight **** the women looks like she is being used. But when it is lesbian **** it seems intimate and right. Women are just seem better. I am still struggling with who I am. But I am leaning towards lesbian beacuse I just don't get and didn't really enjoy being with men. I get that whole wanting be a guy thing. Cause if I were with a woman would do all the things that I man should do. I want to show a woman the respect she deserves. I don't know. I am just rambling. It is hard to do this on my phone.
I am so glad to have found someone who is like me. I always thought I was a weirdo. I totally get you on that treating a woman how she deserves to be treated if I was a guy. I especially felt this when I heard Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" and Ciara's "Like a Boy. In Beyonce's song, the lyrics "If I were a boy, I think I could understand, how it feels to love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man" really stuck out to me. In Ciara's song, the lyrics of the chorus"What If I had a thing on the side, made you cry, would the rules change up or would they still apply, if i , played you like a toy, sometimes i wish i could act like a boy" When watching tv or even when it happens in real life, I'm like "why does she go back to him?", "what does she see in him?", "don't go back to him", "he's no good" (like if he is cheating/abusing. You are lucky at least you have had the experience with guys to know that you don't like them but me I don't have any experience and I'm not sure if I am confusing my sexuality with the bad experiences I've seen happen with men. The thought of kissing, dating, having sex with one grosses me out. The thought of being with a girl though seems great, comfortable. I would want to treat her like she deserves to be treated. I also never wanted to get married and I had always hated weddings but marrying a girl I can see. (I'm in a tux lol) I'm just nervous about telling people around me (if there is anything to tell). I'm scared of their reactions and my family too especially since my cousin came out and is treated kind of differently (not extremely tho but still).
I feel the exact same way. I sometimes still look at guys and think they are cute and I am back at square one. I just see myself comfortable with a woman like you said. I am scared when I do get to having a sexual relationship with a wowan I will freak but I think I will be okay. Sex is really over rated though. (Maybe I just think that beacuae I have been guys). Just don't hide who you are. I have come out to all of my friends and some family and they are completely fine with it. Don't worry about what others think and just figure yourself out and explore.
Thanks so much. I feel so much better knowing I am not alone and someone else feels the same way. Coming out should be something done in person right? I feel that I should do it in person? Thanks again. I feel so much better about this now. I think I can do it. Do you know how to go about meeting other lesbians? Also do you know any good lesbian shows, movies, or books?
Haha I told most of my friends in person. Other people kind of figured it out. I go out to a bar or something and a few have approached me. My best bet is find one and usually they have loke 537298736863 lesbian friends. Movies: Imagine Me & You -Pariah -Lost & Delirious -But I am a cheerleader Here is a link: IMDb: Greatest Lesbian Movies - a list by straightless Tv shows : -The L Word -The Real L Word Books: no clue. If you find some tell me.
Just don't worry about the coming out now, first of all try to accept it by yourself! I know some books (and there are also the movies based on them) by Sarah Waters, as "tipping the velvet" or "fingersmith"..they are really good stories! ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 06:59 AM ---------- I did feel the same way, I thought I was really envious too! But now that I've started accepting myself I don't feel envy anymore!!
So now that you are not envious anymore, do you feel more attraction to females? How did you learn to accept yourself? Thanks for the books and movies. I will definitely be looking into them. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 09:26 AM ---------- Thanks for the list. I will definitely start watching those shows and movies. I'm only 18 so I don't know if I can/should go to a bar. Anywhere else? I've had people call me lesbian before but it was always in a joking manner. They just saw that I had no interest in dating men. I had always told them I don't want to date and I plan on being single. They called me a lesbian nun actually lol. I had always denied it but maybe it's the truth. Another thing about me is as far as attraction goes, I will see people and think they are attractive but I have never been the one to think they are so attractive that I want to have sex with them. Never the one to go m********* and think about them. I also never really had sexual fantasies about me and someone. I have had fantasies but they don't include me and in them I focus on the girl (another sign). I guess in all, I'm not a sexual person. I mean from time to time I will watch/read **** but I never go further than that. Another thing is I can't see myself on the receiving end of a relationship (with a guy or girl). I can see myself giving kind of (with a girl) not a guy at all (hatred/fear or a sign). I hope that I will be able to know for sure soon. I really look forward to watching these shows and movies and reading these books. I hope that they will help me to know for sure. Thanks
The documentary Chely Wright: Wish Me Away is a great film about the first person in country music to be openly gay and her journey coming out. I highly recommend it. It's on Netflix streaming.
Wish Me Away was AWESOME! I've been reading this book called Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond. In her book she talks about how women's sexuality is much more fluid and can change because of a particular person,situation, or opportunity. Men's sexually is supposedly more fixed. I've just realized that I am not doing anything wrong, by being attracted to women. I have found that if I just focus on being myself and honest with myself I'm happier. Sexuality doesn't define who you are as a person, its just one thing about you. I'm still figuring things out myself. I hope you find some of this post useful.
Well, I haven't really accepted myself yet, but I'm on the way... I think that that envy was more anger because I wasn't allowed to like them, I wasn't allowed to admit myself that I found them attractive and I would have liked to flirt with them... It was like "hating" the object that caused me so much desire and I didn't want (not consciously) to have those attractions... So I thought that was envy... I thought I wanted to be like them, but now I can say that I don't want to be like them, I just want to look at them, to appreciate their beauty, and i would like to know them better...and I'm much less frustrated! It's hard to accept who you are, it's a long journey, you have to take time and get used to think about yourself as a lesbian...read books, watch movies, be active in forums like this one (which is amazing), and step by step you'll learn to accept who you are..))
Wow I never thought about it that way. I usually would just stare at pictures of pretty girls and women full of envy but maybe we were both really admiring what we couldn't have [but we actually can have them ]. I feel confident that I can start to learn to accept myself. I'm really looking forward to watching those shows and movies and reading those books. I think they may be able to really help me with my journey. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 08:52 PM ---------- I'm so glad this thread was able to help you. I'm happy that I can help others with their journey while continuing mine. Good luck with yours. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 08:54 PM ---------- I will definitely try it out. Thanks! ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 08:58 PM ---------- Thanks for the recommendation. I'm definitely going to look into it. I hope I will get to reach where you are in acceptance. I feel I can do it though with time.
I always told people I was content with being single for the rest of my life. I always can't see myself on the receiving end, but I could do the giving probably. I feel like me and you are the same. haha
Yes we are so alike that makes me feel so much better. So happy to have found someone like me. Do you think it has anything to do with low self esteem and confidence? I just can't picture someone saying so much nice and loving things to me but I could say it to them. Like the first couple times I heard "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, I was like omg I could never imagine anyone saying this to me. I'm sort of a hypocrite that way because whenever a girl gets all down and says she's not pretty and no one will like her, I'm always the one to say "you ARE pretty soooo pretty" but then I say the same negative things to myself. Though I'm eager to go out with a girl, I'm really nervous about it too. I don't know how to go about meeting another lesbian, I have bad gaydar (no offense), and I think I have social anxiety. Like everyone else, I was teased in elementary school and middle school (probably main reason behind low self esteem, confidence,worth,etc.) and now I just can't talk to people. I really suck at it. I had always wished to be home schooled or just take online classes but my mom wouldn't let me. I still wish it from time to time. I don't really go out (nonexistent social life). I don't have much friends. The last time I had a best friend was in 6th grade. I just feel that I'll be forever alone. Sorry to ramble on, just thought I should give more background on the social anxiety thing.
It might be a confidence thing. I definitely lack in that department. I am the exact same way. I build everyone else's confidence but knock myself down. Especially when I look in the mirror, I am like "I wouldn't date me so why would anyone else?" I don't know how to met them either. It is hard to tell. The one girl I met came up to me at the bar and asked to dance. She invited me over and there were like 5 other lesbians. I guess they travel in packs. (haha) My social awkwardness made the girl lose interest I guess. I get really shy and don't say much. So I blew that. I never really experienced being bullied. People always got along with me. I didn't really get good friends until 6 years ago. My best friend and I have been close since. I recently told her I was gay, she said it didn't change anything. I never cared what people thought of me but I was my own bully. Just become good friends with like two people and your social world will grow. Be spontaneous. Don't care what people think. Just introduce yourself. You seem pretty awesome. You can do it!
Yeah I do that all the time. I'm trying a new look tho and I really like it so far so I think I can boost my confidence and self esteem with it. I guess it all just takes time. I think I'll hold off on dating until I really figure myself out. I feel really confident that I can do that with this site and great people like you supporting me. Thanks so much!! I'm sorry things didn't work out but don't lose hope. I'm sure you will find someone. Just takes time. Thanks you seem awesome too!!!! I'm so happy to have met you.
