I pretty much know i am gay when i first started my college. Never get to know a gay guy on campus and even thought about getting married and burying this secret all my life. Now these years, i just cant deny it anymore. I feel so much attracted to guys on campus(i am in graduate school now). All the emotional desire comes up to me and i am kinda desperate for an intimate relationship with some guy i am attracted to. But i am in closet and felt helpless when it comes to getting to know gay people. I did try some online sites only end up hookups and staff like that, which destroyed all the hope left online for me. For other local social groups, i am just not motivated and kinda afraid to run into someone i once hooked up with when i first explored this gay sex. My therapist kinda pushed me to come out every time we meet. But her answers to my questions and concerns just can not clear the path i guess. Here are three: a. how do i get over what other people think of me? I am so deeply concerned about that. It looks like guys here already get over that phase that they care so much about what others think. I mean, just thinking about what my family and friends would say if they know i am gay would drive me nuts. b. am i making this a big deal? i spend so much time thinking about my gay life, including how i would survive as an Asian gay male in US, how i should go out and meet people without being exposed because i am still in closet. Should i try to force myself to focus more on school and work? am i wasting time thinking all these staff? c. now i kinda realize that its almost impossible to get some good gay friends as long as i am in closet(i wish i was wrong, so that now i can have some to help me with my coming out process). I plan to gradually come out. But i really have no idea where this will lead me to. Especially when i think of those gay bullying news or incidence, damn. I just dont understand why its me! I really need some advice or experience here to overcome the mental barrier. Btw, English is my second language, so excuse me if i do not make myself clear. Took me a while to write this much. It feels great to find this site where people can give advice and communicate on this topic on which our mainstream society is not teaching us at all. I would appreciate you guys answers and/or comments.
Hi . Welcome to the site! Just time and some reflection. Definitely not everyone here has overcome this obstacle. It's a difficult one, and I'd say it's why people come to this forum in the first place! It helps if you can identify just one ally with whom you can confide, and branch out from that. No, all of this is part of getting in line with your orientation. I would guess everyone goes through this--all of the wondering and worries. If you want to move slowly, then definitely focus on some other things while you work out how to approach things. It's definitely not a wasted process to contemplate your life, but don't overdo all of the worrying. It's not going to help to be full of worries! It's all a matter of chance. The next person you meet may be gay, you'll never really know. That comes with the unpredictability of everything. I mean, you could meet the nicest person ever, and you'll never know until you've met them. And you may never know whether this person is gay at first glance. Just be positive and let things take their place, because it's hard to be methodical about this. Look around sometime and see if you can identify someone who is friendly (just an ally), someone who looks gay, someone you've heard has gay friends, and just work out some kind of relationship from here.
Hi and welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site. Are you attending school in North America / western culture or are you in Asia? That makes a difference I guess. But the answers above are right. You need to get to the point where you truly believe that there is NOTHING WRONG with being gay. At that point, it really doesn't matter what other people think of you - if they think anything. If someone has a problem with you being gay - it's going to be their problem, not yours. Life gets a lot easier once you get to that place. It is natural for this to be a real preocupation for you. A huge distraction. It was for me too. It takes time for you to accept that you're gay and to realize that it really is just a small part of who you are. And the more you are comfortable about it the less you will worry about how other people are going to react. Good luck!
Hey Thanks for your advice. Actually, i do know some gay friends. But we are all busy. I am extremely close to one of them. However, he needs to keep up with his straight life. He did help me a lot but still i cant overcome this mental issue. It has been years and i am just wondering when will the perfect timing come or there is just no such thing and you just need to man up and push yourself? Besides, he also suggests me go and find other gay friends (not hookups) because thats way healthier than just talking to one person. But as a foreigner here in US, its so hard to fit in, especially when one is not that confident. Its already overwhelming enough for me to approach someone here, not to mention the concerns of being rejected. Masculinity here is such a big deal that being gay is almost like going against this(i guess this is the part that i am still in denial about my gay side) and people here are not shy to show it. I basically do not have much progress. Still, i dont have many friends, whether gay or straight. Basically, i just dont know where should i go from here. I am trying my best to extend my social network getting involved with different groups (not including gay group, i still dont have the gut to go there) on campus. But as a graduate student, you only have so much time on those. I really wish i knew someone going through this phase in the local area. Again, thanks much. ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2013 at 03:19 PM ---------- Hey, thanks for your reply. I am attending graduate school here in US. I really wish i was in that mentality and dont give a damn about others idea. Unfortunately, over these years struggle, i am still struggling. And i got depression, which makes things worse. Perhaps after i come out one day and look back on these years, i would laugh at what i was going through, which is not a big deal to people who already accept the truth and be open about it. But for me, damn, i just wish i could make progress little by little. I am not counting on this miraculous day, i feel like i am such a proud gay male. Just small steps would help me to make through right now. It has been always on my mind recently. Sometimes, i just feel like a crying baby to have so many emotional feelings which in my mind that a normal dude would not have to worry about(i dont know, this is my impression, maybe i am wrong.). Worst of all, i cant do anything to suppress it. I used to force myself thinking about school but this wont work anymore. Guess i will feel much better after i make enough gay friends and get used to the fact that i am gay and nothing is wrong with that. But i am pretty sure its gonna be hard as i am kinda introvert and afraid getting exposed and rejected. Again, thanks much.
