1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Experimenting...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dazedanconfused, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. dazedanconfused

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello all... It's a been a few weeks since I've been here. First off, happy new year and secondly, help!

    So I came here a while back questioning my sexuality and got great advice and comfort from many members. I've come to a conclusion I'm probably heteroflexible more than bi/gay but I've been considering experimenting.

    Lets start with porn. So all my life, I've looked at predominantly straight porn(some transexual porn) but I think it was more out of curiosity, I don't know. But I've had this curiosity to watch "gay" porn. But here's the problem, everytime I go into it, I get the anxiety/excitement rush and when I finally put it on, not to offend anyone, I'm kind of grossed out. It's like, I think I'll like it but I don't. Weird? I usually end it out watching 2 chicks or chick/guy.

    So now onto real life. I work with this one guy and he's a manly man but I'm pretty sure he's also bi/gay. We've talked about sex and I told him in the past I had experimented and didn't really enjoy it. Not sure if its cause I was too young or whatever, but I just ended up finding girls more my thing. But now he keeps following me and wants to hang out and asked me to spend the night the other day. And honestly, I got kind of grossed out. Once again, I get this bright idea that this will be "fun/cool" then when in reality, I'm just not that into it.

    I talked to a counselor friend of mine whose openly queer/gay and he pretty much told me some "straight" men are curious and experiment. Then he told me not to over think it and that, in few words, he doesn't think I'm gay. Which is good but at the same time I guess I want to know why I keep thinking about this. I'm not religious, my family is aware of my thoughts, I've talked to friends about it so I don't think there's a social stigma around it. It's like a nagging thought that I can't shake. I was once sent to counseling years ago and my counselor gave me a book on sex addiction but I've been in recovery for 4+ years now. I'm kind of afraid this maybe my addiction re-manifesting itself... But what do I know?

    On a side note, I almost hooked up with a married woman the other night but didn't because, well, she's married. But there was some graphic "sexting" going on. Anywho, any feed back would be much appreciated. Thanks my EC peeps!
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome back. I'm also in recovery for sex addiction, and I think you're possibly right when you say:

    For most sex addicts, it really isn't about the sex. It's about the high that they get leading up to the sex. The ritualization. The chase. The pursuit. The high comes to an end once you actually have sex with that person, which is what you're describing:

    Given you don't seem to have a preference to men or women, then I'd probably agree that you don't seem to be gay. ALL of my acting out sexually was with other men - which made it pretty clear to me that I was gay.

    Maybe you need to revisit your recovery from sex addiction. I'm not sure what kind of sobriety definition you've established for yourself, but perhaps those boundaries need to be tightened up a little. Sexting with married women doesn't sound like healthy sexuality to me for someone in recovery.

    Feel free to write to me via PM or respond in this thread...
     
  3. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi

    When my curiosity first lead me to gay porn, as part of learning about myself in my late 40s, I too was grossed out by it especially scenes of rimming and fisting, I was totally disgusted and thought if this is what gay guys do then it’s not me, I can’t be in any way slightly bi/gay.

    As I persevered in watching the gay porn I found that I could search by duration of the video clip and noted that those clips that lasted 20 – 30 mins included some foreplay and allowed me to become more at ease with what was going on and I found this helped me. I know that professionally produced porn is not at all realistic of real world and can be somewhat extreme, have you tried looking at some of the home movie produced porn to perhaps get an idea of a more realistic situation?

    I have also come across some instructional websites devoted to gay sex positions that show somewhat tamer and more tastefully arranged still photos of models engaging in sex, perhaps you could look at these to satisfy your curiosity without being grossed out. Then if you feel comfortable at this move on to the videos, if not at least you have taken steps to being a more informed, understanding, and tolerant human being.

    I would not recommend trying anything out in real life, no matter how exciting, until you feel comfortable in watching gay porn, and when you do play safe. For me at least the best porn is that which shows the participants looking into each other’s eyes and you can see the real emotional bond between the men which to me seems more intense than between man and woman in straight porn.

    However you finally chose to label yourself, if at all, you have the knowledge that you have at least taken steps to make an informed decision. I congratulate you for having the courage to at least question your sexuality at a much earlier age that I did.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  4. localfwbguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2012
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    What's happening man, welcome back. I'm still a mess bro LOL