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Coming Out...Not an option

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bballfan, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. bballfan

    Regular Member

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    Hello! I am a 21 y/o college student and I discovered that I am attracted to boys when I was around 12 years old. I have kept this to myself for almost 10 years now. I have tried to ignore my feelings because I knew they would not be accepted by just about everyone that I know. While growing up I felt ashamed of myself and that there was something wrong with me. I definitely did not want to be rejected or made fun of by my peers. The secret killed me inside.

    I attended private christian schools all through middle and high school. In 7th grade a rumor went around that I was gay. (In case you don't know, many kids raised in religious families are often indirectly taught to reject and hate homosexuality. I know I was.) I don't even know how the rumor started because I didn't show any signs or tell anyone that I was. As far as I knew I was acting just like any other kid that age. I do remember it being a common "insult" in the school to call someone gay. But anyway, I strongly denied these rumors to anyone and everyone. It was a mortifying experience. I felt hated and rejected.

    The significance of this story is after everything died down, I made it a point to keep to myself as much as possible. I feared talking too much or getting too close to anyone because I thought they would find out... And it worked. I lived through High school pretending to be straight, having a girlfriend, and playing sports (which helped keep my mind off everything). I never had many close friends, but I didn't have anyone ever ask me if I was gay. It never came up. Even my (now ex) girlfriend never had a clue.

    I feel like keeping this secret has destroyed my once extroverted personality. People generally feel uncomfortable around me because of how unhappy and reserved I have become. I have never felt more alone and depressed. I know that I can never escape the fact that I am attracted to men. And it feels wrong to have a girlfriend. I can never find a girl that I am interested in and believe me I try. I am mature enough to just not waste the time. I would love to be straight because I always wanted my own family one day. But I am starting to realize how damaging it would be to live that lie.

    This brings me to the main point of this post..coming out of the closet is not an option for me and never will be. My parents and most of my family will reject it. My brothers would probably make fun of me. The few friends that I have would never look at me the same and most of the people that I have met to this point in my life would dismiss me as a disgusting pervert "living in sin" or whatever. I just can't do it, my family is everything to me.

    I apologize for the lengthy post. I am not sure why I even wrote this. I guess I hope it will make me feel better. Maybe if someone can relate to my story it will help. Thanks
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    First, I really understand the difficulty you are going through. We have quite a few people here who are in, or have been in, your situation, and it's a lot more common than you might expect.

    But here's something for you to think about: If you search thorugh our archives, we have dozens of people that were once in your shoes, absolutely convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that they could never, ever come out for the same reasons you state (ultra-conservative Christian family and friends, fear of being shunned, etc.)

    And yet, several years later (or sometimes sooner), they find that they are able to do so.

    In the overwhelming majority of cases, even the most devoutly religious, backwards, ignorant, homophobic, and bigoted families eventually come to accept their gay children. Because, ultimately, for nearly every parent, their love of their child trumps their religious beliefs.

    Now... that path usually isn't a walk in the park. I have several friends who went through it, and at the beginning, there were promises of going to hell, lengthy letters filled with Bible verses, loads of ex-gay literature shared, and every other card that could possibly be played. But when all of those cards were played... and it comes down to having your son or daughter in your life, or losing them entirely... very, very, very few parents and extended family choose to lose their child.

    It usually ends up causing a fundamental shift in how the parents and family understand gay people, and that, too, takes time, because the new information has to be integrated with a lifetime of (ignorant) religious teachings. But the overwhelming majority of parents eventually get there.

    There's also a series of stages that anyone processing a loss (in this case, loss of their perception of you as straight) goes through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And that can take hours, or months. But as I said, most parents do come around.

    So I think it's perfectly sensible to say to yourself "I can't see a time when I could come out." But I'd also at least open your mind to the possibility -- as remote and ridiculous as it might seem now -- that there *could* be a time when you could come out to them, and have them be OK with it.

    In the meantime, I suggest reading Joe Kort's excellent book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding and loving yourself. I would also strongly recommend checking out the three TED talks by Brené Brown, a brilliant researcher who studies shame, worthiness, authenticity, and how they affect our ability to live happy, fulfilled, wholehearted lives. The biggest challenge that closeted people face is the battle with shame, because of the inherent believe that we are not worthy of love and belonging, and the more you can learn about how those issues affect you, and steps you can take to change your life (even while closeted), the more happy and fulfilled you will be with your own life.
     
  3. Jeff

    Full Member

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    I understand your feelings, and can relate. I never did come out to people like other have stated they did. I accepted it myself, and let my closest friends figure it out by themselves. They all did. Sometimes I would say something at work on my first or second day like "oh, I saw the original British version of Queer as Folk" as the LA Gay and L. Film Fest when someone brought up the mini-series. So that was my way of coming out at work. I just never used the word gay, hardly ever.

    So my point is you might come out little by little (over years, if needed) even if you never really said "I am gay" to your family. If they are smart they might figure it out themselves, and all you have to do is not deny it. It might be easy as that.

    Some guys and girls introduce their new roommate, or partner to the family, and that sometimes is all it takes (laugh).

    Anyway, enjoy your youthful years, have fun, be safe, and glad to hear you know yourself, and have accepted that you like guys.

    It seems every day for the last two weeks there has been a major story in the news about gays getting accepted here, and accepted there, and how normal it is all becoming. Much better now than it was in the 80s when I was growing up.

    It is an exciting time to be coming of age, and being gay, at least compared to years past.
     
  4. bballfan

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    Thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it!
     
  5. HP7465213

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    I can totally relate. After middle school where I couldn't seem to get away from the constant bullying, I bottled up all my emotions. It got so bad that I thought that harming myself would be easier than telling anyone who I really was. But I never did because I chickened out. Long story short, I told my mom just two weeks ago (never thought I would ever do that) and she actually took it great. Although I didn't go to a private church school, we're weekly church goers and have that same anti- homosexuality thing programmed in us. But she took it great! You owe it to yourself to be honest. Trust me, you'll feel much better. And if your friends and family don't take it like you expect, then why are they still close to you? I understand that it's difficult, but if you all love each other, then it shouldn't be a problem.
     
  6. GreenSkies

    GreenSkies Guest

    I can't come out to my family at the moment either - I don't really know a lot of people who aren't extremely religious and homophobic. It's been difficult, especially since I've come to accept my orientation. I do plan on coming out when I can move farther away, but for now it's not an option