Hello all, long-time reader first-time writer. So basically I've "known" I'm gay since I was about 12, however I'm coming to realise that due to my living situation at the time when it first clicked, I forced myself into heterosexuality, which included developing a chronic straight porn habit for the last decade plus... Without going into too much detail, it's totally shaped my sexuality, and therefore I've spent the last 10 years being very heterosexually active, but always feeling like there was something missing. Every time I've gotten really upset about a breakup or anything along those lines has had very little to do with the person I broke up with, and much more to do with my intense fear of loneliness. Fun times... My problem is that this "knowing" that I'm gay is so far away from what my everyday responses are to people, where I find women very easy to be turned on by (as I'm so adapted to looking for cues etc.), but men I'll find "interesting" but certainly not blood-boilingly so. I've met up with a guy a couple of times, and we've done things but it's just not as instant, and instead of feeling liberated I feel tense and nervous and have to stop things from happening repeatedly. Has anyone had similar experience? Or at least started off with same-sex attraction being much more as a thought or a general feeling and had to actually develop feelings for a person from scratch? Thanks!
Are you sure you're not straight or bisexual? If you see women in real life that turn you on, then that eliminates the possibility of you being gay. The only other two things you can be are straight or bi. Maybe around 12 with the upsurge of hormones you experienced some confusion and thought you were gay or perhaps you may have same sex attraction, but also like girls as well (bi). As far as the porn goes, this sounds like a great poster advertisement for gay to straight conversion therapy. Can porn really "change" your sexual orientation? I'm not inclined to believe that's true. If men don't cause your blood to boil, then I simply think you're just an average straight guy that can admire another guy. I'm not you so only you know the answers, but from the sounds of your post you probably experienced a lot of confusion/curiosity during puberty thinking you were gay and found yourself diving right into heterosexuality with no problem at all. You may have admired or compared yourself to other guys your age and thought that made you gay... but that's simply admiration.
Kind of yes, actually. l really conditioned myself to be into men pretty well. Or "into". But, it's a lot like what you said. l don't know, l guess for some gay people they just couldn't live that lie or pretend to be into the same sex. For me, l certainly did at least really like anyone l dated as a person so that probably helped. l wasn't attracted to them in a purely sexual way but the emotional attraction made up for a lot of that. l wasn't really shaped by porn so much, but l did at one point just "decide" that l was going to be straight or at least date men. lt was really just a concrete, kind of robotic decision. But, l did it very well. l was tuned into all of the things l should be doing and even how l should be feeling, like an actor. All l can compare it two is a mind with two separate tracks, l was aware of my real thoughts and feelings the entire time, but at each checkpoint l could clearly see how this other person l'd pretty much manufactured would think, act and feel in any situation and l would go with that. So after doing this you do become very removed from yourself, like you said. l didn't necessarily feel tortured and conflicted until l finally decided l didn't want to be that way anymore. But the other person or l became was so real in some ways that l think it's possible for other people to just go on that way forever.
Very true. I've repressed myself for 10 years. I just can't do it anymore, I'm tired of being anxious and paranoid while in hiding.
