I am confident that I am an monogamous asexual lesbian. What I am not so confident in is everything else. I am a fetishist and I like to -watch- sexual acts but I don't have any interest in participating. I actually don't even think I can call myself a fetishist because I would never use them sexually. Like, I think it's really great if my girlfriend would dress up as a doll for me and romance me, but just romance me, not have sex with me. It's really great if I get tied up, but no sex please! The same goes for furry costumes and my other "fetishes." The main problem, when I get down to it, is that I'm not sure I'm ever going to find anyone who shares this. Finding a fellow lesbian is hard enough, finding another asexual lesbian who would participate in "fetishes?" Impossible. I'm just really not confident because I'm really down about this and I really fear never finding the girl for me. Another level of difficulty is that I'm not attractive. I'm sure it would be easier if I was attractive... I decided to stop whining and go online to look for the girl for me, but it's harder than I thought. I'm not trying to whine, I guess it's more of a vent for me. My main problem right now is that my parents keep talking about when am I going to get another boyfriend, and the word boyfriend keeps popping up and it drives me crazy. I just want to blurt out: "I'm lesbian! Stop telling me to get a boyfriend or about my future husband." xD No, but seriously, I don't think I can ever tell them. They're going to have to find out on their own. I could not deal with the stress of them making me not welcome in their home. I would not be welcome in my own parents' home, they already have so much against me, it would be the straw that broke their backs. I know that deep inside they'd still love me, but it's as my father said himself: "If you were ever gay, I'd still love you. But I wouldn't like you." And that's also with the threats of being kicked out for my mental health issues already hanging over my head. So not coming out is a matter of survival to me. But it makes me wonder, what's going to happen when inevitably someday they see me with my female partner? How would they react? I've been hurt a lot, it's like I can't be hurt anymore. If someone hurts me, oh well. I've been there, done that. Sorry for ranting about all kinds of things...if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.
There's a bunch of stuff that you've brought up here. The first part - about being an asexual lesbian - is probably the least of your troubles really. I wouldn't worry about meeting someone else and being compatible with them until your own house is in order. Your home life is obviously not great. You mention mental health issues, so what are you doing about those? Are you in treatment? On medication? How are you in that area of your life? If you're not out to your family, don't worry about it. If there's nothing to gain by coming out to them, then don't worry about it. They don't need to know. Certainly not yet - while you're not seeing anyone. If their comments about finding a husband are bothering you, then simply ask them to stop. You're dating a boy (true) and have no interest in dating a boy right now (also true) so you'd like them to stop talking about it. It's none of their business and just makes you feel uncomfortable. If they ignore you, then you'll have to set some boundaries with them. Let them know that you'll be leaving the room the next time they bring it up, and when they bring it up, leave the room. You don't need to get angry or say anything about it. Just follow through and leave. They'll eventually get the message. And if they then question why, and whether you're a lesbian, that's also really none of their business. I know it's easier said than done, but at a point it becomes your life - not theirs any more. Good luck!
