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Military & marriage

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by blue514, Jan 31, 2013.

  1. blue514

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    I'm 21 years old and I want to serve my country by going active military.
    However, even though the DADT has been repealed, I know that if I were to get married, my wife would not have the same benefits as someone in a heterosexual marriage.
    This bothers me greatly and makes me question what I'm going to do. I'm not worried about being discharged if ever found out that we got married in a state that recognized the union between us..
    I'm questioning what will happen when I get stationed far away and the military won't provide housing for my spouse, when I can't list my wife as a dependent, when my wife and her children are sick and can't afford treatment because they can't get my benefits?

    I guess my question is: how do others do it? Do you have to choose between love and a job or what? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
     
  2. FallenAngel

    FallenAngel Guest

    Wow...I don't know much about it but I'm really sorry that you're going through that. It's not right that she can't get the same benefits as everyone else. That's so sad. :frowning2:

    I wish I could give you advice on it but I don't want to say something that could be inaccurate.
     
  3. blue514

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    Thank you for showing support though :slight_smile:
     
  4. FallenAngel

    FallenAngel Guest

    Aww :slight_smile: absolutely!
     
  5. FruitFly

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    If there is no love in my life, I'd go after the job I wished for then allow life to happen as it happens. If there is a love in my life, then I seriously think about whether or not the job I wish for is worth making life for the one(s) I love difficult.

    It is of course complicated by the fact you wish to join the military and that really does complicate matters due to the very nature of active duty. I think there is a way to balance them both, but it does require compromise, mutual support and understanding. The current situation in the military would be a huge strain on most relationships, but if it's something you have a burning desire to do and you have someone who is willing to support this, then it's something that can be done. As difficult as it is.
     
  6. musicgeek13

    musicgeek13 Guest

    I have thought about this a lot, mostly due to the fact that I am in the process of enlisting right now. I think the most important thing is if you have a significant other already. If you do, you need to talk to her and see what her feelings are on the subject. I don't so basically the conclusion I came to was that, yes, if I do find that special someone while I am still in the military and we want to get married, it will be harder than if I was in a straight relationship. Knowing this though, I know that joining is a good decision for me and waiting for a girl who may or may not come in to my life in the near future is not a good reason, for me, to give up on that decision. Again, all people's circumstances are different but that is just what I had decided. The whole situation does suck though but it has improved bounds recently and will hopefully continue to do so.
     
  7. prism

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    Unfortunately, this is one of my greatest fears. I want to go to the USAF OTS after I graduate and part of me hopes that I don't meet anyone special. However, if I did meet someone, I would still join because it's my dream. It would be a difficult life, but tough times weed out strong relationships.

    Whatever you decide, choose for you. You are the person that has to live with your decisions. Best of luck!
     
  8. Thehat

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    Well luckily I am in the military and I specifically pay travel documents all day everyday, it is also my job to handle money. I'm an accountant, with no shame about it!:slight_smile:

    This is my job all day, everyday.

    If this is a big deal to you, I would not join. There are zero options on the table legally speaking. You can get a contract marriage, for example to another gay couple of the opposite sex and be given an extra 1800/mth for rent and 300 extra for food on top of your 1300 base pay upon joining. But keep in mind, you sign a bunch of legally binding documents and if found out, not only will you be required to pay back all the extra money you've been given in a timely manner (like 20000 in 2 years), you also will spend at least 6 months in the brig and 6 months sitting in your uniform unable to wear anything else.. Sitting in a shitty barracks from 1940 with dried puke all over the mattress and mold in the shower eating every meal at the chow hall and being treated like a child. Also losing your GI Bill.

    It ain't worth it.

    Make sure you join for the right reasons, protecting your country is honorable but the military's heel ain't what you think. You will spend more time mopping floors and sweeping (no shit) then any field time actually making a difference.

    But I joined to gain leadership skills, so it's been good for me.
     
  9. blue514

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    Wow. Well, all of that is good advise. I do have a girlfriend that I plan on marrying so the military doesn't seem like the best option for us in the end. If I didn't have her or anything else in my life going, then I would join simply for the status, going places, etc. But hiding her while going just doesn't seem ideal or worth it.

    Thanks y'all.
     
  10. Thehat

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    Well.. You don't have to hide her or the fact that you are married, you just won't get extra money for being married. Since October of last year, being openly gay in the military was deemed okay.

    You would just have to pay for everything out of pocket.
     
  11. Jim1454

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    I'm obviously spoiled - as I live in Canada and my same sex married is recognized as being as valid as any other marriage.

    If I were you I would not work for an organization that didn't recognize my relationship, when there are so many great organizations in the US that DO recognize same sex marriage.

    But then again, I can't imagine EVER joining the military either - so there are lots of other reasons why I wouldnt sign up...