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Tired of keeping this all in, need to talk with someone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sketch, Jan 31, 2013.

  1. Sketch

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    Hey Guys, I'm new-ish to EC .Fist off I wanna thank you all for simply being, reading your stories and your wisdom is the only source of comfort i have right now.And that was before I decided to become a member.

    I apologize if this post is long, but ive got alot
    on my chest and no one in my real life to talk to about it.

    For the past couple of weeks as it became more apparent to me that I can no longer run/hide or detach myself from my sexuality, I've been retreating here constantly, reading post after post,(usually spending the entire day on EC) trying to draw some strength,wisdom and comfort from all of you as to how to deal with being gay. I honestly never thought I would ever make an account here; I thought I could just get by through reading other stories, internalizing the wise responses, and just somehow be ok. But I realize now that was just me trying to separate myself.....again. So here's some background about me.I apologize if I may be vague at times, I'm just not used to being so open.

    I realized I had gay sexual attractions around junior high school was turned on quite a bit by watching wrestling, and had sexual fantasies which sometimes involved real life classmates,and a certain fetish I'd rather not discuss. I dealt with it the only way I knew how, by masturbating in secret, appeasing those desires and somehow i was able to go out into the real world feeling quite normal; which in someways allowed me to separate myself from it. For the sake of brevity, i'm gonna cut the back story a bit short basically when I'm horny i think about guys and all those nasty little things i'd like to take part in, however in recent days I've been wondering how much of that is fantasy and if I may really enjoy that in reality but that's another story for another day.Never had either a Girl or Boyfriend cause I never allowed my self to find out, however I know that I'm not really sexually attracted to girls yet I'm occasionally sexually attracted to guys and not sure if there is an emotional aspect to that.

    Now on to the actual reason for this post :eusa_clap

    As I stated above, a recent rough patch (basically depression after leaving my job)in my life has caused me to question and doubt alot of plans and decisions I've laid out for myself (i.e. the decision to apply to go to an art school and pursue dreams of being an illustrator) Along that track line of depression, my sexual ambiguity (It's probably crystal clear,but im still struggling) rose to the forefront of my mind and caused me great discomfort. I prayed and prayed and prayed that i wouldn't have to live this kind of life, that I wouldn't have to deal with being openly gay(the thought of which scares me) To make matters worse, in recent times I haven't really been so sexually attracted to guys either, Idk if it's due to over masturbation or what.

    In terms of parents/Family, they're Caribbean folk and my mother at least is pretty Christian, My dad, i have no clue, I know where they stand on the matter. But for the right now, i just wanna start dropping my bags of shame, guilt and fear. Ever since i fell into this feeling, the things I used to do to make me happy don't do it anymore, whenever Im watching Tv and seeing hetero relationships my heart sinks.Alson in recent days, when I would go outside In my neighborhood, i'd feel out of place, like i dont belong in society.I've even had thought things like i can't be certain professions if im Gay, which i know is completely idiotic(Especially that im an aspiring illustrator)or things like seeing random people on the street and think things like "If they knew i was gay, would they treat me differently?" As i've stated above, I've spent ALOT of time on this site, usually for the entire evening; so apart of me thinks i may finally be going through the stages of greif...... but i dont know what to do and how to feel and as ive said i dont feel comfortable talking about this to anyone or anywhere but here.Dont yet feel comfortable looking for an LGBT group in my area (Which is kinda ironic seeing that i live in NYC) so if you've made it this far thanks for reading, not sure if what i'm looking for is help or just someone who could identify, all i know is i just wanna feel happy again

    Thanks for reading, and more so thanks for Being.​
     
  2. Minx

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    You sound stressed, frustrated, and lonely. :frowning2:

    Try not to beat yourself up so much. Contrary to a lot of believe, there is no need to rush what you feel.

    You can take your time in figuring out, you.
     
  3. Sketch

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    Thanks for the response Minx, It's weird I still feel disconnected from all of this. Looking at the post ,I almost wonder who wrote that; i just know im gonna need alot of work and meditation.
     
  4. Minx

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    The disconnect probably comes from holding things in, then speaking from within.

    I experience something similar, offline I'm much more reserved, it surprises me and those around me when I finally do speak my mind. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Trailblazer

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    I can't really give too much advice, but atleast someone to relate to. I used to browse this site a lot before I joined, it really was the only place I could find that the people seemed genuine and helpful about this kind of stuff. I haven't made as much progress as I would have liked in my time so far, mainly now its still the fear of rejection that holds me back. 21 years is a long time to let people know I've been lying to them for. I have also been having issues thinking that being gay restricts my career choices, but I've decided to call shinanigans on that idea and look further into what I want to do. I've probably made more change for the better in ly life in the past month than I have in the last 5 year's, but I still have a LONG way to go to actually be open about being gay. Goodluck bro, we can do this!
     
  6. OMGWTFBBQ

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    aw <333

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2013 at 02:02 PM ----------

    lDK if they still do this but if you get in a weird place you can PM one of the mods or other EC staff, there was a list somewhere ages ago of which staff will talk with people through PM.
     
  7. remainnameless

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    Before EC, I never had anyone to talk with about any of this with either. I finally convinced myself to make an acount about 2 weeks ago, and it has helped sooo much. I can be honest on here (though I agree it was weird typing stuff down about myself, since I have never talked to anyone in my life about my sexuality) My mother is hardcore Christian, so that raises problems. Anyways, I feel for you and I completely understand. Do you not have friends you trust enough to share this stuff with? I'm not sure if this was "helpful advice" but I thought I'd share. (*hug*)
     
  8. Sketch

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    Thanks alot for the responses all

    @Trailblazer: I'm Hoping so

    @OMGWTFBBQ: When i created this account I think I saw something like that, i'll look into it.

    @Remainnameless: For now, Just EC. Although ironically, at my last job two of the closest ppl to me there one of which is a Lesbian, the other is a straight ally, both of which i have their numbers.I could possibly call them but then again as they still work there and can be a bit chatty Idk if i wanna risk confiding in them, besides doing that kinda makes it real for me. My best friend though,although he has some openly gay friends,dunno how he'd take that. But in general I'm really not ready to tell anyone outside of EC especially when im having issues accepting it myself. One day at a time i guess.