I hate life I hate living I want to just end it

I am here to talk if you want to (*hug*)

Did something recently just spark these feelings?
What is it that you don't like about yourself? What reasons?
Why are you upset with your family?

 

Why? Elaborate please.

 

I tried it last November and failed. So let me tell you it was no fun when I woke-up. The next day my soulmate walked up my driveway. Had I been sucessfull I would be missing out now. So if things seem at their worst right now, you may have a break-through just about to happen. So talk it out with someone and it might be not as bad as you think! We are always here at EC to talk to if you need us. June

 

Now I do understand, I grew up in the biggest house on the bay in the richest neighborhood in my hometown. My dad was always gone, and my stepmother was a monster who abused me verbally, mentally, and physically. So I can relate to your homelife. You can break the way you were raised. It took me years to come out of my shell and many abusive men. We seek what we know I hate to say. You will meet someone who will see something in you and they will stay through the thick and thin. With time you will grow into the amazing person you really are! It happened to me so I know it can happen for you. Don't give up because it takes time! June

 

Aw well I'm here for you (*hug*) keep holding on. It does get better. I've attempted suicide several times in my life. It's not worth it. I'm so glad that I didn't die, because now I have two amazing kids who give me a reason to live each day. You are on this earth for a reason, so don't give up now. There is someone out there, walking in circles, trying to find his soul mate. Don't you want to find out who he is...? Hold on, and let us help. Here to hold your hand whenever you need it! ~Angelica

 

Man, stick with life. Ending it's a bad idea. I'm sure that every person has that moment of hesitation just before they die, when they think, "hey, this might be a bad idea."
Don't put yourself in that situation where you realize too late that suicide isn't the best option.

Here is a safe place to vent. Scream all you want here. Transform your emotions. I learned to take my own hate for humanity and channel it outwards as motive to improve. Whenever you think you have nothing, you can come here. Need someone to talk to? Come here. Need someone to yell at? Come here. Don't do anything stupid, unless it's on the internet. And when you feel down, always know that someone - HERE - cares about you.

Your life was given to you by God, and only he has the right to take it away. Use it the best you can!

Best of luck!

-E.F.

 

The great thing about maturing and becoming your own person is that you get to create your own values. You aren't stuck living with the values that your family taught you. You get to choose what is and is not important to you. For example, several members of my family are against interracial relationships. I did not let that affect me and I think people should be with whoever they like.

Change can take a long time, especially if you're trying to change attitudes that you were raised with. After all, this is all you've known your whole life. That doesn't mean that change is impossible. It just takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work.

I apologize if I have already suggested this to you in another thread but have you ever considered seeing a therapist or doing any type of volunteer work? A therapist can help you go through problems in your life. They may also be able to help you maintain friendships with social skill training.

As for volunteer work, it can be really life changing. I recommend that everyone try different types of volunteer work and see what they enjoy.

I'm here for you too! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help

 

Alexander....

If this was the way you were raised, it's going to take a while to 'deprogram' yourself. Don't keep beating yourself up over it. The fact that you're trying to change is a huge step, and it's not an easy one.

I totally understand about wanting to give up...been there, done that.

Just know that you have plenty of support at EC. Yes, it's online, but there's a real person behind every screen name, and we all care. That's why we're all here...to help each other. (*hug*)

 

Hey man I know what those feelings are like. I have always been a punisher, I punish myself. My expectations for myself are just unrealistic and when it is not working out i beat myself up. I have recently started coming off an emotional bender. What really started helping me was the fact that there is purpose to my life and everything that will be will just be. I have to start being my own friend and love me despite myself LOL. So many people love and care about us, but if were caught up in self hate they just seem full of Shit. It's gonna be aight man, we just gotta learn to be our own allies. Good luck dude, thanks for posting. You helped me out, and probably didn't know.

 

It's normal to go through these feelings when we encounter hardships and obstacles in our lives. It can certainly seem overwhelming.

The most important thing though is to have someone to share your feelings with and who can give you support and hugs, even if only virtual ones. (*hug*)

 

Just remember, Alexander, you`re young for only a few years. After that you have a whole life which you can shape to whatever you want from it. These things pass, scars heal, you change, life change. How you feel right now will pass! That`s the important thing to keep in mind. When we have life, we have time and hope, to find our ways to get happy, to achieve what we want and need. You won`t live at home for ever, which I assume you are right now. So hang on in there.

I was in that situation, only I had a father who made our lives a hell. Also, when I grew up to be a teenager, and even into my grown up years, I struggled with anger-issues and anxiety. The anxiety was one thing, but my anger-issues affected my family and my siblings in a way that made me feel so guilty and bad about myself. But I worked on it, I worked with changing myself, finding new ways to react, to think. We all have flaws, there`s no such thing as a perfect person, but we can work with the things we don`t like about ourself, and that hinder us from being happy. So, you might be a total snob (I would not know, I don`t really know you well enough), but that doesn`t mean you`ll always be one. If you don`t like that part of yourself, throwing crap at yourself for it won`t change anything. However, writing up things you do and say that you want to stop doing, can help you become more aware, and help you become more like a person you want to be. I wanted to stop being the girl who`d have a rage-attack over the most stupid things. It was hard, because it was behavior I was taught from my father. But I knew what I wanted to rid myself of, and I knew what kind of person I wanted to be.

(*hug*)
Don`t be too hard on yourself. But don`t be too hard on others either. I noticed in another thread, where some people got a bit offended by some of the things you said, and you wrote "...hating on me.." It stuck a bit to my mind, because that`s the kind of thing that I could have said in a situation like that a few years ago. The thing was, mostly everyone there was simply disagreeing with an opinion. They weren`t hating you. Hating an opinion, and hating on a person, does not mean the same thing. I had to learn that

Actually, it takes courage to say it out loud to yourself (equivallent of writing it on a keyboard) this part of me is something I want to change. You feel you are snobby, and that it makes people not want to be friends with you. I have met a lot of snobby intolerable people, who think they are the king of the castle, and everyone else are just eye-candy or there to serve. Now that`s insufferable behavior, lol!

Give yourself some more time. Change doesn`t happen over night. Learn to appologize when you`ve crossed a line. I am not saying that because I think you have said something here you need to appologize for, don`t misunderstand me, but I had to actually learn to appologize, because I was so damned proud. And I see the tendency is pretty common. But an appology can work miracles!

And I am sorry to hear that your father is not around. I can relate to that feeling as well, though in my case it was better he disappeared.

When it comes to your mother, it is possible that the two of you can work on things, and get a better relationship. Parents can struggle a lot when their children grow up and start distancing themselves, and suddenly grow into these independent people. Seeing as I don`t know much about the situation, it is hard to give exact advice, but one thing you could try is take a step back. Try to look at the situation from all angles. Try to imagine that you are her, and then analyze your behavior and the way you talk to her. How would do you think it affects her? Is she bad at expressing herself? Does she struggle communicating with you in a proper way? That`s pretty common too, parents who don`t seem capable of having a normal conversation with their children, so it results in a lot of anger and frustration. Have you tried telling her that you wish the two of you could talk better, and not be so angry all the time? Don`t use the word you, use we, because then it feel feel less like an accusation to her, and might not make her defensive and closed down. When we feel accused of things, we get defensive very easily.

And I know you might think: "She`s the one being all angry and shouting at me, why should I change or have empathy with her? Why do I have to be the one to analyze and consider the situation?"

Because truth is, just because she is the parent, that doesn`t make her atutomatically capable of seeing how she`s acting, or how bad the situation is. Improving your relationship with her has to start somewhere. We cannot change or determine other people`s behavior, but we can influence it by looking into our own, by changing tactics, how we communicate, etc. And empathy and understanding breeds empathy and understanding. Not always. Wouldn`t have worked on my father, and maybe it doesn`t work on your mother. But you won`t know unless you try (*hug*)

Good luck, and try to be good with yourself. It`s okay to not be perfect. It`s okay to have things we need to change. You are quite okay!

(*hug*)

 

Yeah, paragraphs can help :icon_wink If you`re not sure where to put it into the post, write first and then just jump down random places in the middle and through it, so that stuff that makes sense in one pile is in one pile, and where you switch over to a sort of different topic gets some breath in the middle. It makes it more comfortable to read. I did a random one now, lol.

One tip, from what you describe here, remember that you and your mother are two different people. You can have different opinions, and it does not serve anyone if the two of you constantly try to "change" the others mind. An example; your mother says that people who don`t have 5 years of education are stupid. You think; that`s not fair!
But instead of saying something, just smile and ignore. If that is her opinion, it`s her opinion. If she choose to be shallow and opinionated, then that is her choice. My mother votes for a political party I do NOT agree with in any way. I know that if we start discussing it, it will end in an argument. So my rule is, never discuss politics with my mother, ever. It does not do any good, lol.

So, your mother has an opinion for everything. That`s her problem! It only affect you if you let it. She might look down on people with average looks, who are gay, who dresses badly or whatever. It`s her flaw. It does not have to be yours (*hug*) Ignoring is a powerful tool! :icon_wink

Another tip, try to make an effort with not yelling. Yelling always makes an argument so much worse. I have been so guilty on that one myself. Often we don`t even notice when our voices start rising. I have had to make an effort, with my sister, to see the signs that warn a potential argument is about to arise. And if you have begun yelling, and you realize it, try to focus on your breathing. Just close your mouth, take deep breath, and do that for a few seconds. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Sometimes just doing that for a short while can actually help. I get the feeling as if my heart is pounding out of my chest when I am getting too angry. It fuels the anger and makes it so easy to switch over to shouting. When I start noticing that, I always do the breathing thing.

How long until you are financially able to move to a place of your own? That`s also a great cure for parental problems.

I can understand the loneliness factor. It`s tough! I struggled a lot when I went to the university, and did not know anyone. Have you checked into local youth groups? Volunteer organizations? Places where you can meet people and make new/more friends? Plus, volunteering is a great way to grow a sort of humbleness. It`s nice to help people, animals, just knowing that you are doing something good for the community. Plus, you meet new people! Check out your options a bit. Maybe even an interest-club, like a book club or something like that.

How do you know that the people at your job dislikes you? Have you tried being social, I mean like if they have coffee-breaks, or something like that, that you try doing some small-talk? Try approaching them with a new attitude, relaxed and yourself, and smile. Try to talk about topics that they can relate to. If you have a lot of money in your family, and they don`t, talking about money or fancy stuff might not be the way to go :icon_wink

Does your family have family dinners? Do you talk during these dinners? Have you tried for example asking your father how he is doing? How work is going? Stuff like that?

(*hug*)