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So... I WENT on a date! Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheSeeker, Jan 31, 2013.

  1. TheSeeker

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    Hey all,

    Thanks for all of the advice the last couple of days concerning my first date with another guy. But... I am now confused.

    So this guy, I will call him "M", and I met for lunch at a local brewpub a couple hours ago. It was the first time we had ever met in person; pretty much a blind date. He's good looking, and very sweet. But I didn't feel that visceral "spark", that I expected.

    The conversation started with some polite small talk, a couple questions about eachother and our respective families, but then... We didn't talk about anything! We were together for two hours, talked the whole time, but nothing of substance.

    He's a history buff and I feel like I learned more about past presidents than I did about him! I took all of the advice from you guys and didn't talk about myself; but he didn't ask me anything really either. The conversation was just filler, and honestly, I was bored.

    It just felt like hanging out with another guy, but with very little banter or humor. I am going to give him a second chance, meeting him for a drink in the next few days, but I honestly didn't feel any different around him than I would, say, having lunch with an old college professor.

    Here's where it gets confusing: Immediately after I met M, I got a text from my friend "C" (female). She wanted to meet me for coffee. She showed up looking radiant as usual, and she and I fell right back into the banter we are so good at. C and I have excellent chemistry, we have never dated and she was dating a friend of mine last time I checked. Well, she broke up with him last week, and there was a lot of mutual flirting following that announcement.

    I felt that "spark", that I didn't even remotely feel with M. I walked her back to her work and we laughed the whole way. I gave her a hug and then we parted ways.

    WHAT the HELL is wrong with me?! I have gone through life attracted to guys and attracted to girls usually to a lesser extent. But today, my first gay date, I feel like my usually reliable attraction to my own sex just... failed me. I want to be attracted to M! I want to explore this side of myself that I have kept chained for so many years, but it's like there's this "wall" between him and I.

    I have racked my brains. Am I just emotionally stunted? Is it a defense mechanism that I have around other men? Or am I just not attracted to this guy? I don't think I would be as confused if I hadn't met C right afterward and felt exactly what was missing from my lunch with M. ARRRGH! It could be because it was heteronormal, as opposed to unknown. But I am just not sure. How should I change my behavior for a second date with M? Should I even go?

    Thanks, sorry for the novel,

    The Seeker
     
  2. Minx

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    Well, first off him not asking much about you was rather... well rude on his part.

    It's easy for him to rattle on about history, it's history... it doesn't ever change. lol

    It sounds like the chemistry just isn't there, which happens a lot.

    It's evident as you hung out with your friend C, who captures your attention effortlessly.

    As for another date, I'm not sure. If you're bored, I don't see the point. Unless you want him as a friend? :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lance

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    Why not try another date with him? What is there to lose? The second date could only get better since you guys should be less nervous and are at least a bit acquainted now. Ask him things next time and maybe try to steer conversation into something that you think is better than whatever you talked about this past date. It's fine to talk about yourself, but at the same time you can ask him what he likes or his opinion on something that you just got done talking about regarding yourself.

    I wouldn't just close the door on someone so soon personally. You don't have much to lose besides a little bit of time. If you still feel the same after the second date, then I would say it's probably not worth pursuing much more since you just aren't into him at that point and gave it your best effort.
     
  4. Kgirl

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    Maybe you wanted there to be a spark so much that it's kind of disappointed you that there isn't. Why did you expect it? You walk past a ton of people in the street every day with no spark... it takes a special person :slight_smile:
     
  5. Pret Allez

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    It sounds to me like he did not display the interest in you that he should have. It also sounds like he didn't really tell you as much about himself as you did about yourself. Finally, it sounds like the chemistry is not there. Sure, he's good looking, maybe in an "I'd tap that" kind of a way, but the rubber hits road with whether or not you are excited by his company.

    Your date kind of sounds like my first gay date recently: pleasant enough, but vapid. What I would do is give him another chance. Maybe he was nervous and didn't respond well to the pressure. I'd invite him on another date, and whether he contacts you timely or not will tell you his level of interest.