My mother and sister know I'm a lesbian; so now my dad is the only one in the immediate family that doesn't know. I came out to my mother only a couple months ago (seems like a lifetime already, though) and it seems like she took it pretty well. My sister has always known, ever since I began crushing on girls. Now, my father is the only one I have yet to come out to because of his stereotypical Christian ways, his homophobia, and his already agitation at me because of me "coming-out" to him as an atheist almost a year ago. He used to be my best friend growing up because I was a tomboy- as most would say- but I've grown apart from him. I still manage to have a good relationship with him for the most part, but I feel like it's been going down the hole for a while now, and I haven't even told him about my sexuality yet. I fear that if I tell him and come out to him, he'll cut me off even more, or not accept me. He knows something is up and that my mother and sister know something he doesn't and he's been almost constantly asking and interrogating me about it for a month now. This is where my mother comes in. She is pushing me to come out to him. She isn't making me, but she keeps saying that I should do it soon and tell him soon, even if my personal plan was to wait till high school and until I have a girlfriend to come out. She's making me feel guilty for staying in the closet because "imagine what he feels like, knowing something big is being kept from him. I would feel the same way he's feeling right now." The guilt is tearing at me constantly and I know that my dad is feeling left out, but I just have no idea if I'm ready or not to come out to him. Telling him could just worsen our relationship, he couldn't accept me, and worst of all- even worse than him not accepting me- is that he wouldn't take me seriously. When I told my mother I could still feel the uneasiness and could feel the misbelief as she made me reassure her that "if the right man comes along someday, I won't not let him in because I believed I'm a lesbian", which is what I got out of it. I can not imagine the scenario of when I would come out to my father; I know that he wouldn't take me seriously. Things like "I'm too young to know", "This is just another part of that atheist business", and "She's only confused" are just some of the things I know could pop up during the conversation and overall I know that he could be fully denying once I come out to him. That is why I wanted to wait till I had a girlfriend or was older to tell him, but with the growing number of people knowing of my sexuality (not just mother and sister, but also counselors, teachers, and a few friends) my father is constantly on edge and wanting to know what I am hiding, while my mother is pushing from the other side for me to tell him. I want to tell him, but the fear of his reaction is holding me back and I still want to stick with my plan of waiting till high school, even if that means leaving my dad out of this personal business while others- including my friends and people at school- will know before him. All in all, I really don't know what to do in this situation. I want to get both my mother and father off of my back for the moment, but also find some way to pluck up the courage to tell my father in the future. I hate sounding needy, but does anyone maybe have some solutions?
Hi there. I would say just tell your mother to get off your back, BUT you say you do want to tell you dad. Have you considered writing a long letter of explanation? Sometimes that's a lot easier than offering an explanation out loud, and he can't interrupt if you've already written it all down! Include your reasons for considering yourself lesbian, and some relevant facts, such as: No one chooses their sexual orientation. About 1 person in 10 is some form of queer, and homosexuality is the most common form of queerness. Homosexual relationships are just as stable and healthy as straight relationships. Or whatever you think he needs to know. Then give it to him to read when you think he can spare the time.
I've actually been thinking about this lately as one of the better ways of coming out: I'm better at writing words than speaking them, and I wouldn't be put on the spot, which seems to happen a lot when it comes to explaining things to my father (like the sit down across the table from each other, not allowed to leave until you explain sort of talk) and that just unnerves me. He also seems to interfere or interrupt a lot while I'm talking, so this is definitely one of the more probable ways of coming out to him. You make a good point with the including of facts and specific questions that may help him to better understand or see my point of view and what I'm feeling/ why I hid it from him. Thanks for the advice
