Confused

From everything you've written, there doesn't seem to be any reason to think that you're gay. Meeting people who are gay may have triggered a sort of phase of questioning for you but according to your account, you aren't into dudes. Relax.

 

No, you don't sound gay at all. If you were, the thought of doing things with another guy would be more appealing to you or at the very least a bit intriguing, which it seems like that is not the case at all. I don't think you have anything to worry about, you sound completely straight to me.

 

Yeah...it sounds like you're just really anxious about it for some reason.

I agree with above posts - it might just have been a curiosity thing for you. Hey, I'm gay. Some guys are bi. Some are not. Some are gay. Some are in between. Some are straight but curious. There's a whole list. You could be anything.

But I think you're straight, and possibly have a little bit of curiosity in you!

 

I don`t think you`re gay either, just possible a little bi-curious. Which is natural, and doesn`t mean that you are gay or bisexual or anything.

However, I will say one thing though, the thoughts that start with "Oh, a gay guy. Why did I notice that? Does that mean I am gay too?" cause a lot of young guys to start picking on people and bully the gay-looking guy, probably because they experience somewhat the same feelings you do, which can lead to some anxiety and questioning like you are going through right now.

It is really nice to see that you came on EC to talk with us about it. That`s really cool!
You seem like a nice guy, and you would be so even if you were bisexual.

If you want some help to make the obsessive thoughts go away, remember that obsessive thoughts often come from fear. If you let go of that fear, and tell yourself that even if you were bisexual, it would be fine, you can make the thoughts stop recurring. It wouldn`t change you, it wouldn`t change who you are. You don`t want to think about it, so you try to stop the thoughts, making them just push harder to stay in your head. So, when the thoughts come, don`t push them away. If you suddenly get a picture of yourself kissing a guy in your head, let it be there. It won`t make you gay! Just let it be, and try to relax about it. And when the thoughts no longer have any power over you, they`ll fade.

 

Hi there,

New here, but will see if I can help. You sound like you're hurting and that's not a good thing

First things first:

Step 1) Take a deep breath. Let it out sloowwwly. Calm down. Ooommm. Are we calmer now? Good. Please proceed to step 2.

Step 2) If you aren't enjoying looking at gay porn then stop looking at it!!!!! This is about the third or fourth thread I've seen on this subject since finding this forum and they all seem to have this in common. Guys start to wonder if they are gay for whatever reason and the first thing they do is go look at gay porn, apparently on the theory that if they get turned on they must be gay. Except that then they don't get turned on (and sometimes they are even actively repulsed or made to feel ill) but they keep going back to it because they can't let go of the worry that they might be gay. They may even try to force themselves to get turned on and jerk off to gay porn because they have somehow convinced themselves that they must be gay but are in denial or something. And all they are really doing is tearing themselves up inside, creating an ever descending spiral of confusion and fear and pain. Which is what you seem to be doing. So stop it. Just stop. Please. And proceed to Step 3.

Step 3) Ok, let's stop and think about this a bit. Various thoughts here:

a) Just because you can think about something, or imagine it doesn't mean that you want to do it. I went through sex ed like everyone else and I've certainly seen straight porn before and I can (as an intellectual exercise) imagine having sex with a woman. But that doesn't mean I feel any desire to do so. Based on what you've written so far, everything that is going on that you might interpret as 'pro gay' seems to be happening at an intellectual level. You're thinking (and worrying) about it, but you're not actually *feeling* any emotional or physical desire to do anything with a guy. Quite the opposite in fact.

b) I can (and do) see when a woman is pretty or made up especially nice and I can compliment her on her appearance. I can also appreciate the beauty of a flower or a sunset. Doesn't mean I want to have sex with any of them. In the same way, you seem to have had some history of you and your teammates being able to acknowledge that a guy was good looking (as our society measures such things) in an intellectual way without it being anything more than an observation.

c) You seem to put a lot of feeling into your description of how you feel about your girlfriend and having sex with her and the previous girlfriend. I definitely get a sense of positive emotion there from you. Not even close to that sort of positive emotion when you write about watching gay porn and the like. That should tell you something, I think.

d) Speaking more on feelings, you seem to be coming at this from an 'intellect first, feelings second' kind of place. You think you might be gay and then are trying to make yourself feel what you think you should be feeling if you were. Speaking from my own experience and from everything I've read on the subject, this is sort of the opposite of what would be happening if you were gay or bi or bi-curious, or whatever. Meaning that you would be *feeling* something sexual toward guys or the idea of doing something with a guy and maybe then *thinking* that it was wrong (because society, or your church, or your family or whoever said so) or that you couldn't be feeling that because you're straight or whatever. I would call that denial. I don't think what you're going through is denial.

e) You mention that you realized you liked someone in your school who is gay and this sort of made you upset again. From the way you wrote it, I took this to mean that you liked them as a friend or as a good person, not as anyone you had sexual feelings toward. Which is perfectly fine. I have lots of straight friends, both men and women and I like (or even love) all of them and I've never once had even the tiniest desire to have sex with them. There are different types of 'like' or 'love' and not all of them (or even most of them) are sexual.

f) You've asked the 'experts' (such as they are). Before my reply to you here, everyone else who replied to you seems to have said the same thing: They don't think you're gay. Unfortunately, there is no 100% reliable test or gaydar or whatever that will let any of us just look at your situation and know with 100% certainty that you aren't gay. But the consensus seems to be that you probably aren't. And no one can really tell you any more than that.

Speaking of which, I don't know where the therapist you mention is coming from, but I don't like his advice to you, mainly because it seems to be assuming the existence of what you're trying to 'test' for and also because it just seems to have spun you up even more than you were before. Not cool, IMHO.

Oh, and just so we're clear, I don't think you're gay either and I've been a 'practicing homosexual' for longer than you've been alive (cause you know what they say: practice makes perfect.

And finally...

Even if, at some point in the future, you find yourself having feelings that lead you to conclude that you are gay (NOT the feelings you are having now, we just covered all that), then there is nothing wrong with that. Who you are as a person has way more to do with your integrity, your honesty, your reliability, your compassion, and your willingness to help others and stand up for 'what is right' than with the gender of who you sleep with. Because you're going to spend a LOT more time exercising those qualities over the course of your lifetime then you ever will exercising what's between your legs.

Hope this helps.

Please calm down, please do what makes you feel happy, and please let go of fear.

Peace,

Todd:smilewave

 

Always happy to help Let's see if I can calm you down a bit more then.

Let's look at what you wrote above. When you're with your girlfriend you're happy and love her. You're operating from your feelings and it sounds like you're writing from your heart.

When you write about guys, the first thing you say is that you're 'thinking' of them. And you're asking 'what if' questions and not (at least it seems to me) in way that says you are trying to work up the courage to do any of these things or are fantasizing about them. More like you're just running possible scenarios through your head and (it feels like to me) in a way not too different from how you might think about driving and 'what if' someone suddenly pulled in front of you, or you hit a dog or a kid ran out in front of you. None of these are happy thoughts for you and none of these represent anything you 'want'. But you can still think about them.

The whole cringing and going into shock thing you mention also doesn't lead me to think you're in need of a cold shower after having these thoughts. In fact, it seems like you've invented your own personal and totally portable cold shower (for those times when you start thinking about your girl and its just not an appropriate place and you need to 'cool it' in a hurry).

Bottom line - I'm not reading any burning hidden desire to try anything with a guy from this.

Also, I'm not offended by your feelings about doing it with a guy. Kind of the same way I feel about eating guacamole

In fact, maybe think of it this way: Stripped of all the societal baggage, what we are really talking about here is a matter of taste. I realize that as a 17yr old football player you're pretty much prepared to eat anything that's standing still or even just moving slowly. But there must be some food or other that you don't like to eat. Maybe it even totally grosses you out to think about eating it. But nobody (including you probably) is going to think it's very important that you don't like it and I bet you don't think it's very important that some of your friends or family members may love it and want to eat it all the time. It's just a matter of taste and everyone has foods they love and foods they don't like. And maybe sometimes you might briefly imagine eating that food you don't like, then shudder (or even cringe), and go on about your day. You probably don't spend the whole rest of the day worrying about it, because really it's not that big of a deal.

Who we like having sex with is much the same thing, when you come right down to it. It's just that society seems to think its a lot more important than that for some silly reason.

Anyway. I need to take care of a couple of things and then get to bed. Work tomorrow. And I'm betting you need to get to bed for school or practice or something tomorrow too.

So go to bed, relax, you're fine, you're good, and you're not gay regardless of what you may 'think' about sometimes.

If you want to talk more, I'm sure I'll be checking into EC again at various times or as the mood strikes.

Take care.

Todd

 

I used to when I was little bit younger (still gay back then). There was no sexual attraction to the girls in the porn, but I found the sex acts a little arousing. I had no feelings of arousal towards their bodies, but if they were scissoring I could get turned on a bit. Guy on guy was definitely the #1 and most intense turn on, but girl on girl used to be mildly arousing or my #2 turn on. Straight porn was always boring. For some reason, the idea a girl was not into a hot athletic/buff guy and wanted to be with other girls, was some odd turn on. Doesn't seem to have that effect anymore, maybe on occasion. I'm not drawn to girls in public or in my fantasies. Even trying it with girls is mechanical and boring. Hope that helps!

 

Dude, If the stuff you're writing here is true and not an exaggeration then I'm quite certain you are not gay.

Are there people close to you in your life, or do you live in a relatively homophobic community? It seems to me you suffer from anxiety. Keep in mind I'm not in a position to diagnose you professionally but I would still put money on it.

The thing with anxiety is that it likes to take your worst fears and make you obsess over them. Even to the point where you're analysing every minuscule look and testing whether gay stuff gives you a boner etc.

If there's the possibility of being shunned by family or your local community etc. then of course that is something that anxiety would love to play on.

I know exactly the feelings you're going through and I'll PM so we can chat more.
Not hitting on you btw Just the stuff that made me feel that way as well isn't something I'm quite prepared to share on an open forum just yet.