Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for taking the time to read a little about my story. So a little bit about me: I have been struggling with determining who I am (In terms of my sexuality) for quite a few years. I am an only child and come from a close, religious family. My parents and I are very close and I love them very much. My parents and my entire family have always had negative views on homosexuality. I have externally identified as "straight" for my entire life, although I've always known that I was not interested in women and have never had a girlfriend; I've always been attracted to guys. I am a junior in college. Currently, I feel that I am almost reaching the point of totally accepting who I am. I told my parents about my feelings, however, somewhat before I was ready. My mother always asks if there are girls I'm interested in, and I'll usually say "yeah, sort of" and that will be that. But during break, my mother asked (jokingly) "Well, you do like women, don't you?" By this time I was tired of lying and decided to explain, "well, maybe not." It didn't really go well. During the conversation, I was a complete mess, and really let out all my feelings. Despite my mother's fervent conservatism, she was not angry or even judgemental. She said that she loved me; I know that is the truth. Once I calmed down, though, she told me that I should start dating women and that she didn't think being gay "was me at all." I obliged, but only because I was scared. I understand she is scared too. Since then, we have only talked about it twice, and my dad found out. Both of my parents have expressed that they love me. But both of them are convinved I'm just confused, and they told me that I should just focus on school. They want me to remain silent, essentially, until we can all discuss it in person again. Here is what worries me: I "came out" to my mom when I was having a lot of pent-up inner turmoil. And in fact, I still have some said turmoil. She is convinved that I feel so bad only because being gay is not who I really am. And when we talk about, she can't bring herself to say "gay" or even "homosexual." It'll just be "I don't think you're 'that way.'" But sometimes she'll add "well, maybe you are." On the phone today, she even mentioned gay therapy (not forcing it, just mentioning it existed). I wish I could have waited and told them when I had reached a stage of confidence and pride, but I wasn't there and I'm still not quite there. I love them, and I know they care about me. Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I have only told one other friend about my situation. It seems strange that I went to my parents first, but we have always been a very close family. Although now I just feel very alone. Thank you so much for any insight or advice. I have lurked EC for awhile and it is great to see such kind and caring people.
The fact that you broke down when telling her was probably an indication that you weren't happy about it, and so she is trying to find a way to make it 'go away' so you can be happy again. Maybe you need to talk to her again in person and explain that you've come to terms with it now (wait until you have, of course, it'll happen ) and that it is who you are, cannot be changed and you're happy with who you are. I'm sure both of your parents will stop worrying then.
Maybe you could try telling her that being gay is you because you cannot help who you are. To me it sounds like she doesn't want to believe it and because she is religious make it that more complicated. But it does sound like she loves you no matter what but maybe because you gave her a bit of hope that you might be interested in girls that she is clinging onto that.
She's probably acting like this because you give off the impression you're unhappy about it, and parents want their children happy. Let her know that you know without a doubt and have accepted yourself as gay. Afterwards, don't worry about if she continues this behavior, it's a lot better than some alternatives. They'll realize at some point, whether it be today, tomorrow, or until you find a boyfriend/husband.
Thank you so much for all of the nice responses. I think I still have a little soul-searching to do; fully coming out might shake things up for awhile but I hope, in the end, it'll be OK.
