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Feelings for a friend after sleeping together

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kerze, Feb 1, 2013.

  1. Kerze

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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (sleeping together in a non metaphorical sense)

    Stuff just happened with a friend of mine and I need advice on how to deal with it. We shall call him D (and refrain from making jokes about me wanting the D...) Background Info
    We're quite good friends, we share a lot of interests and just find it really easy to hang around with each other. He comes from a very Catholic upbringing and didn't tell anybody he was anything other than straight until he came to uni. He's only ever had girlfriends before (although all our friends have just presumed he's gay and been surprised to find out otherwise). I basically realised I was gay and then never had a problem with it, although I'm still a virgin and have never really had any kind of relationship with a guy.

    About 12 people in our friendship group went to his room and we were all getting drunk and playing kids games. When the first person left he came up to me (from the other side of the room) and asked me to stay, so I said yes (i wasn't planing on leaving anyway). People started trickling out and until eventually it was just me, him and our friend S. She asked me to walk her back to her halls and D just went 'Oh, aren't you staying a bit longer Joe?' and I was like 'yeah... you just head off by yourself S.' She left, then this happened
    D: You do actually want to stay right?
    Me: Yeah, of course
    D: Okay... can we not do anything like... major though?
    Me: *realizes he wants me to stay the night and not just hang out longer* Yeah, umm sure
    D: Okay, I'm really tired, do you just wanna get in bed
    Me: Yeah, sure
    So he underdressed to his boxers and got in bed with me and just just kinda hugged until I fell asleep. I woke up like 2 hours later (he was still awake) and we just kinda talked about nothing and then kissed a few times and then I said I didn't want anything to happen while we were drunk and we just slept together for a few more hours. May not seem like a big deal, but I've just never had anyone interested in me in any way before and it was just all really sweet and nice. It was just really nice.

    The next day he texts me and says he wants to talk so I go over. He says that he doesn't really know what his sexuality is and the thought of being with a guy freaks him out a little bit right now. He's never kissed a guy before, but says he's glad I was the first. He says he doesn't want to do anything else because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship by stringing me along and then freaking out when he doesn't have everything sorted yet. He then said that he has feelings for me and has for a little while. I told him that I'd never thought of him as more than a friend but after that night I thought I might be starting to. He just kinda went 'Yeah, okay, I totally get that' and there was this kinda silence and some how we wound up just agreeing to stay friends and he got some friends who live in the building to come round and we all went out to a Student's Union social together at a pub.

    The problem is that I haven't been able to get him out of my mind since it happened, and I'm now fully convinced that I don't want to just stay friends with him. I seriously think I really want a lot more from this guy, but I feel like if I did anything I'd;
    1) lose a good friend
    2) be the weird gay dude perving over a sexually confused guy.

    Something else that complicates matters;
    The only people I told are my best friends J and F. When I told F she seemed to already know, and was surprised when I said we hadn't had sex, and I saw hanging out with J when she gets a text from her boyfriend saying that one of our friends (the biggest gossip in the group) had told him 'about [me] and d... very interesting!'. So now I feel that rumours might be spreading, which will only make things more awkward between us.

    I'm partially just getting the whole situation down on paper to help organise my thoughts, but I am so stuck about how to progress. HELP IS NEEDED I do think I like him a lot, but he's basically told me he's not interested and that's just left me feeling kinda down about the whole situation.
     
  2. TwoMethod

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    Wait: where did he say he wasn't interested? Above, you said that he said "he had feelings for [you] and has for a little while". That does not sound like he's not interested. This sounds like he's coming to terms with his sexuality. Just give him a few weeks. The fact that he just wanted to lie down with you and kiss and cuddle, well — that means a lot. That shows he definitely has feelings for you. Believe me ... just like you can't get him out of your mind, the chances are that he can't get you out of his.

    Why don't you just meet up to talk? Things don't have to get awkward between you unless you let them get awkward. Just act normal. He's the one who's clearly told people. And if he was ashamed or embarrassed or didn't want this to go further, I don't think he would be going around telling other people.

    Just let this progress naturally. It doesn't have to be forced or over-analysed!
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    Yep, don't push too much here. Bet he'd go for the same thing, cuddling kissing again, though.

    Lets cut to the chase -- did he get hard while you two were together? And you? (you don't need to answer this online!). If the answer is yes/yes -- dude, then you surely have a clue...
     
  4. inthedark4eva

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    Certainly sounds like he's interested to me....but it sounds like he's just beginning to come to terms with his sexuality though so you might need to take things slow.

    For myself, I have a hard time when it comes to figuring out if someone has a mutual interest or not...even if the signs are obvious. :/