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I told my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IDKWhattodo, Mar 6, 2008.

  1. IDKWhattodo

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    My dad is completely okay with it, but my mom FREAKED out. She brought up the Bible and sodomy and everything. She kept saying.. Well at least your bi, we still have hope. She said she was kidding, but I can tell she was kinda serious. She threw up because she was so upset. She just can't believe it because I'm not like the typical gay guy or whatever. I really don't know what I can say to her. She is just so sheltered and conservative.

    She is worried what people will say about me, especially her friends and family. She suggested I go to counseling because I must not know what I want. I mean.. I tried to explain to her that I was born like this. It's just so hard.
     
  2. iPieman

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    Well done for taking such a big step. I'm glad your father gave a good reaction and am sorry that the same can't be said for your mum.

    I think it's kind of selfish of her to be more concerned about what her friends will think though.
     
  3. InaRut

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    :frowning2: Oh dear, every gay's worst night mare. The bible comming out scenario.

    You just gotta show her that nothing has changed, that your still the same you.

    -_- That's not much help.

    Try this, "Mom I'm gay, you have a choice. Accept it and love me. Or deny it, and loose your son forever."

    A little harsh.
    But something along those lines would help. Perhaps tell her how hard she is making it for you?

    Uhmm...Maybe she'd be more comfortable with it if you try out the counselling?
     
  4. joeyconnick

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    So your dad was okay but your mum freaked out? That's non-standard.

    Coming out as bi is a lot harder than coming out as gay, mind you, because, as your mum has demonstrated, for those unwilling to accept things that leaves them essentially a heterosexual "wedge" and can sometimes allow them to hold on to their denial for a lot longer than they otherwise might.

    I wouldn't recommend issuing any ultimatums just yet (or really ever if you can avoid it) because if this is a recent thing, everyone's emotions are going to be running high and it's really easy to say something you'll regret later. Initial reactions very often don't foreshadow how well someone will eventually come to terms with the whole being gay revelation.

    I wouldn't recommend counselling if it's going to be of the "this is how you turn straight" kind. Counselling is a really useful thing for a lot of people but it doesn't sound like your mother is as terribly concerned about you sorting yourself out right now as she is with what the neighbours will think and how she's going to get grandkids out of you. That can be really upsetting but it's not necessarily a permanent thing. But if you do seek any counselling, do it because YOU want some assistance, not because your mother thinks you should get some assistance that might magically make you heterosexual "again" (from her perspective).

    One thing that is probably worth pointing out to her is that it took you a lot of soulsearching to get to the point where you felt comfortable telling people (which I know is the case because I remember your initial posts here) and so it's not like this is some really whimsical notion of yours that you just woke up with one day and decided it would be cool to be bi. It might not get through immediately but if people sit down and think about it, it's pretty unlikely they can make themselves believe that someone chose/decided to be gay just for the heck of it. I.e. ask her something along the lines of, "I was afraid of facing negative reactions so why would I have gone to the effort of telling people if this was something I wasn't really sure about?"

    But yeah... I would try to prepare yourself for things being somewhat rocky between you and your mum for a while. It sucks but a lot of the time the only thing that helps that kind of conflict is time (and maybe some distance) so that both parties can cool off (and usually the other party has more cooling off to do). That sucks but at least your dad seems okay with it and maybe with some time he will help bring your mother around.

    Sadly adjusting to changes like this is not something that happens overnight. I would say it takes at least a few months, sometimes longer. Parents tend to invest an awful lot in their children and very, very rarely do they let themselves consider the possibility that they won't be straight. So just keep reminding yourself that it's going to take time (and a lot of patience on your part) to get through this.

    And totally apart from all the heavy stuff, congratulations. I know it didn't go the way you wanted it to but in the long run I think it'll be worth it. There's nothing like getting to be yourself to make dealing with family strife more bearable.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Yes - give her time. And keep being the great son that you've always been.

    It will take time for her to come around. I'm sure she will. My mom will actually refer to my bf by name now - which is such a huge step for her. Good luck. And Congrats!
     
  6. sdc91

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    Congrats! My dad was coping better (way better) with it than my mom, too.

    Don't worry, she'll come around. I don't think you need to give her an ultimatum (as suggested above). Just keep on living life and she'll get used to it.
     
  7. IDKWhattodo

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    I just told my brother and sister-in-law. They are really cool with it, and my brother calmed my mom down a lot. I hope everything is going to be good now, but it is still a little awkward. How do you think I go about telling my aunts and uncles and such??

    Thanks for all of the advice.
     
  8. iPieman

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    Things will always be a bit awkward at first.. Given time they will adapt :slight_smile:

    If I were you I would give it time to settle in with your immediate family first, before you go off telling the other side.
    This will also give YOU time to get comfortable and used to being out.
     
  9. joeyconnick

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    I agree with iPieman about waiting until you get things more sorted with your immediate family first. I know it can feel like you have to tell everyone right away when you're excited about it but in reality it won't hurt to go somewhat slower with some people.
     
  10. Charlie

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    Just curious, what is the typical gay guy like?
     
  11. NathanHaleFan

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    Charlie, that's a loaded question. There is no typical gay guy, but what his mother THINKS is the typical gay guy is the one that parades down the Gay Pride Parade in nothing but a thong. The fundamentalists want to think, the rely on thinking that gays are deviants, in order to continue hating us with a clear conscience. You see, if they saw gays as an amalgam of different, healthy, unassuming people, they wouldn't be able to reconcile hating us very well, would they?
     
  12. joeyconnick

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    I think perhaps the "stereo" prefix was left off the term "typical gay guy."

    Of course what really gets me about stereotypes is that just because a guy is in nothing but a thong during a Gay Pride Parade doesn't mean he isn't an upstanding citizen. Lots of people do "wild and crazy" things in certain contexts but that doesn't mean they're "bad people." So the notion that one event or moment in time somehow stands for a person's entire life is definitely a problem I have with stereotyping. But really, what problems don't I have with stereotyping?
     
  13. Chamber of Life

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    It was a really bold abd brave move coming out to your parents and brother. Even thow your mother didnt take it very well just know that she still loves you and give her time. Also your dad is cool with it. Thats a up sider.

    Now you want to tell your aunt and uncle. When you come out to them make sure your ready and think about your self first and not how there going to react. If they react in a bad way then thats their problem not yours. You have to live with it, not them. I hope that helped a little. :icon_bigg
     
  14. KaraBulut

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    IDKWhattodo:

    Your mom's reaction is very typical. Mothers tend to react emotionally to these situations. And there are quite a few in the South who will bring out the Bible in these situations.

    As you get older, you will feel more and more that you are the parent and your parents are the children. This is one of those times.

    All you can do is to be clear with your mother that this is who you are. You do not feel wrong or ashamed.

    It has been my experience that the parents who have a rough time with the gay issue are the parents know the least about gay people other than what they hear from the pulpit or from the negative things that people say about gay people- all the stereotypes. It's a lot different with that gay person is a person who you know and love. After they meet the very average, nice and "together" gay people, they begin to understand that gay people are like everyone else- they are just looking for love and happiness like everyone else.

    You need to make it clear that now that you are an adult, you want to have an adult relationship with your parents. And part of that adult relationship is that you want your parents to be a part of all of your life- not just the "non-gay" parts.

    There are some parents who just can't deal with the issue and they make a big mistake by using the gay issue to create a rift in the relationship with their children. Unfortunately, parents are human and they make mistakes. Most of the time, there is a big blowup at first and it takes a little time for everything to settle down. You just have to hang in there while your mother learns all the stuff she doesn't know about gay people and while she works through all her emotions with the issue. Eventually, she will come around and the two of you will be closer afterward.

    Congratulations on a a big first step. Hang in there- it does get better.
     
  15. Ty

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    Fight bible with bible. Im sure many of us here could give you a few bible quotes to support gay-ness =/ Just keep her away from leviticus...
     
  16. Ak911

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    Give your mom time. When I came out to my mom I got the same reaction. Bible and all! but I gave her her space, backed off, didn't try to make her understand it my way, I let her come to terms with it on her time. And that time may never happen, but let her have the time to have it all sink in. And soon, I would bet she will come around! Good luck!
     
  17. ccdd

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    Congratulations on coming out to your parents - it's not easy (I haven't done it yet so I appreciate it must have been hard). I think that it sounds like with time it'll probably be ok, although it does sound a little as though your mum is clinging to your bisexuality and the idea that you might not yet be sure (when will people realise that coming out is the LAST stage??). And as has already been said, I would advise against counselling unless you get to choose the counsellor, or you know that they are neutral/not a "conversion" counsellor or something. But congratulations!! :slight_smile:
     
  18. Charlie

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    Of course what really gets me about stereotypes is that just because a guy is in nothing but a thong during a Gay Pride Parade doesn't mean he isn't an upstanding citizen. Lots of people do "wild and crazy" things in certain contexts but that doesn't mean they're "bad people." So the notion that one event or moment in time somehow stands for a person's entire life is definitely a problem I have with stereotyping. But really, what problems don't I have with stereotyping?
    Posts Joey


    I could not agree with you more. I used to be a female impersonator. ( many moons ago) yet here I now father of five kids blah blah blah. In every gay pride parade there are families like ours that march but you never see that part on the news because its too normal and boring. They show shock value. My kids love the parade and we march every year for the last nine years. We laugh and learn. It's a shame some people cannot see beyond the "shock" value of some in the parade and enjoy life a little.
     
  19. beckyg

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    PFLAG has a great pamphlet on bisexuality that would help your mom have more understanding. Go to the sticky PFLAG publications, download it and print it for her. It may help!

    And I totally agree with Joey, its too early in the game to give ultimatums. Give your Mom some time to adjust.
     
  20. Grantious

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    Hey hey,

    You know catholic views on being gay is what turned me off religion and i hate being told what to think.. You know? That just me though..

    Catch