My mother has always said to make sure if you're running a direction in life to make sure you're running to something instead of from something. Otherwise the decisions you're making are for the wrong reasons, and they probably won't end up making you happy or really being what you want. I think that's good advice, and I always try to keep it in mind. The problem is right now as I'm questioning my orientation I can't figure out which way I'm running. Am I running away from men? Am I running towards women? Or am I just running away from intimacy in general? The problem is that I am shy, self conscious, and a little socially awkward. Intimacy and deep connections with others do not come easily to me. Not putting myself out there to form an intimate relationship would be easier in a lot of ways, and it certainly would be more comfortable. I even feel awkward making new friends, though I do have friends. Am I the lab rat who is shocked so many times that he's trained not to touch the cheese? Afraid of trying to connect for fear of being judged? In truth, I haven't had bad relationships with men. I haven't had ANY relationships with men. And now I'm wondering if it was truly because I wasn't attracted to them, or if I simply wasn't brave enough. I honestly can't tell. Or am I running towards women? This is what I was telling myself as I started my recent questioning. But could it be that women's sole appeal to me is that they do not represent an intimate connection in my mind? Could it be that my brain is viewing them as the "safe zone" where I don't have to worry about the additional baggage that a relationship with a man could bring, and thus representing this 'intimacy safety zone' themselves become attractive? I realize this would create a logical dissidence, however since I have not yet attempted to enter into an intimate relationship with a woman I could see how this conflict would not yet be brought to the forefront of my mind. How can I tell which way I'm running?
If it feels right go for it. Sounds to me like you have some soul searching to do. No one can answer these questions but you. Be brave enough to keep moving and remember you can love who ever you want. You arent being forced to be exclusive
This is my struggle too I have found that listening to that quiet little voice inside of you generally gets you out safe and sound in the end. Take a long hard look at yourself and really get to know yourself. We cant tell you who you are, only you can do that
If you are even considering women you are certainly attracted in some way and not the way that one would expect. It's not to make a new friend. If so why run you can do that everyday. You would have to be running toward women for intimacy. Maybe looking for a different type of intimacy. If not for intimacy why run at all.
Thank you for listening, everyone. I apologize for posting something so angst-y. I got stuck in a thought loop and started feeling like I was trying to be a fake lesbian (which i realize sounds absurd). It helps to talk. You're a smart woman, you know that. Thank you. And you're right I think. If I was running from intimacy it probably wouldn't be in the direction of women. I just had the most amazing dream about my crush. I only kissed her in the dream, but it was so amazing it made me pop awake and I had trouble catching my breath. Such a shame to wake up then since it was just getting good. I've never had a dream like that about a man.
If you can imagine yourself kissing a woman and it feels good, you probably are attracted to women. Did this dream leave you wanting to do it for real?
Omg definitely, yes! :icon_redf Of course I don't know if I'd be brave enough to do it for real. I am awfully shy, self conscious, and inexperienced. And then it left me all bummed out as I remembered my crush is not single.
Well that answers that question then! I wouldn't worry about the rest, if the feelings are there it will be fine Sorry to hear your crush is unavailable though. There will be others I'm sure
Haha I suppose it does, doesn't it? I was sorry to hear it too, but hey at least she's gay! :icon_bigg So there is still a tiiiiiiny chance. Not that I want her to break up with her girlfriend. They seem great together, and very happy.
