Hey how is it going everyone. Somethings are really hard to understand and express. You could consider me semi openly gay. My family knows and my main social circle knows but I do keep it hidden from everyone else like co workers and others. Even people that know I still hide it from them. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten so good at hiding it that I don't know when to stop. It blocks a certain side of my personality and keeps others from connecting with me. I always feel like the odd one out. I can be in a room filled with people I know and still feel out of place. Hiding has become routine to the point where I don't even know who I really am. I'm so mixed up from feeling so wrong about it. I understand that it is who I am but in the end it doesn't help. I can't even being to explain why I am so closed in my head. Everything I do and say feels so wrong like I am letting people see the monster on the inside of me. I get so nervous that I feel frozen in place. I miss opportunities constantly just because my flight mode takes control. Sometimes I feel like I would be alright just to shut the world off and break connection but the other side tells me that I can be more then alright. I just want somebody to take me to move me out of this stagnation. I want someone to come up to me and hold me. I just feel like that is what it would take for someone to drag me out. Just run up to me and kiss me in the middle of the busiest place in town just so I can forget about the people and realize that this is what I want. But life isn't like the movies and I understand that alot of this is my side, something I have to fix. In the end I just feel like I'm going to be running forever, tripping over opportunities and getting up to fast for anyone to catch me.
The first thing to say is: don't lose hope. It really does get better with time. I think you've taken a huge step in acknowledging that you are so "closed in your head". When you say that you even hide it from people you know, what do you mean? Do you feel you're not being the real you? If so, what is the real you? Sometimes it is actually easier to shut yourself off from the world. I've done it many a time — it's easy to sit at home. It's comfortable, even though it can be menacingly depressing. It's hard to actually make an effort and put yourself out there. And trust me: while it may look easy to some people, there are a lot of people, straight, gay, whatever, who find it just as difficult as you do. I think this could be a social thing more than a sexuality thing. You have to make gradual steps. Each day, do something that is slightly out of your comfort zone. Do something that you wouldn't normally do, just to edge yourself out of your shell. It's the only way.
