Hello, As I said in my introduction, I'm doubting about my sexuality (again) and I really need to talk about this with people that can understand it, as I know no one irl I can talk about this. I'll begin saying I started looking at boys when I was 12 at high school, I remember I just looked at their arms for their muscles, then I realised I just liked them (around 13/14-year-old) and after a full denying phase I assumed I was gay at 15-year-old. I was extremely shy at high school, and I had an ever harder time talking to girls (I still have a little difficult time even in college, but it's not a big deal like before), though I was bad at talking to boys too, I was really, really quiet and fearful. It was all ok till last September, when I came out to my parents and my uncle, who happens to be my therapist, so I have big confidence in him (he helped me to overcome extreme shyness). My therapist said it could be that I've not had any experiences (which is true) so perhaps I was just confused, and that's where it all begins, I know this is gonna sound stupid but I'm scared that perhaps subconsciously I just like boys because I was REALLY bad at communicating with girls (and I'm still bad), and since then I'm clueless. I don't remember myself checking up girls ever, I can say they're pretty or beautiful, but I've never seen myself thinking of the idea of having a sexual relationship with one, it just pushes me back completely, on the other side, I fancy the idea of having a romantic relationship with a boy, but still, I'm fairly unsure, and I was certain I was gay, I even liked the idea. Can I know your thoughts about this please? and thank you for reading this!
Well there you go then. I think you may have answered your own question. If you don't feel anything for girls and you don't check them out, but you do when it comes to guys, I would say it's safe to assume your gay or at the very least bi leaning heavily towards guys. Experience has nothing to do with it. I have had 0 experience with girls, does that means I could actually be straight??? No. I have no experience with girls because I have no interest in girls. Simple as. Try reversing the situation, are straight guys perhaps gay but they don't know because they have never tried it with a guy? Don't think so somehow. :icon_bigg Oh and welcome to EC! (*hug*)
Welcome to EC. My first thought: I don't know about Spain, but in the US, it would be extremely unethical for a family member who was a mental health professional to take on a relative as a client. Reason being... the therapist is supposed to be someone you have no connection with, who won't judge you, and who won't have any external connection to your family members. It's just exactly situations like this -- where he's in a dual role, as your uncle and your therapist -- that create problems, and why such rules exist. A competent therapist would *never* suggest to a client that his leanings toward same-sex relationships is because they've not had any experiences, or that same-sex feelings are just "confusion". From what you've described, you've never had any attraction to girls, and have a strong interest/attraction to guys, so I see absolutely nothing indicating that you're straight, and almost nothing that indicates you're bi. You may not want to hear this, but I think you'd be best off to find another therapist to whom you have no relationship whatsoever (i.e, not someone else in your uncle's office or someone your uncle knows or works with.) This will eliminate the family/dual role factor that, whether it's easy to see or not, can, particularly in cases like this, severely affect your ability to work through your issues.
I think we're in a bit of a similar situation. I've always had people and friends tell me that I can't say I'm gay if I've never been with a girl sexually. The problem is that I know that I have no desire to get to that point with a girl to begin with. I don't check out girls, and I can't recall ever doing so. I've always looked at guys, for as long as I can remember. I dot think I've ever had a legitimate crush on a girl either. I don't want a girlfriend. I've always had this unspoken (even to myself) desire for a boyfriend. I don't personally believe it's about the sex. Of course that can be a telling sign, but it's far from the only thing that matters, and even farther from how I figured out that I'm gay. I know that I don't want any kind of romantic relationship with a girl, I'd prefer a guy every time. The sex is just something that follows. I hope this helps. Sorry, it's probably more of a personal rant. But maybe you can relate to this the way I can relate to your original post.
Wow this totally reminds me of how I was, except I did like a couple of girls. Now, though, i pretty much view myself as predominantly gay since I prefer guys for the most part but I do like girls occasionally. I don't think you need to think so hard about a label because it's exhausting and frankly, it's just unnecessary. Go with the flow and like who you like; if it's all guys, ok, cool. You only have one life to live!
Thank you all for your answers, It really relieves me being able to speak about sexuality openly with others, I think you're right and I should stop thinking about it, though I still wonder if my extreme fear of girls when I was younger (from 12-15/16 years old) had anything to do with the fact I only like guys, I think I'll never know, thinking about the past barely ever does any good. About having a relative as a therapist, I must say I didn't like the idea at all at the beginning, but ethical or not, I have to say the therapy worked really well and he's been very professional in my opinion, I wouldn't have come out to anyone yet probably, I dislike that dualism relative/therapist but I don't see such thing as a main factor to change therapist anymore.
That's why I was so relieved to be moving away from home for college, even if it's only an hour away from my parents. It allowed me to find someone to talk to and find support. Not to mention EC. It's also been a huge source of advice and has given me a lot of courage since I began figuring everything out.
Difficulty in talking to girls is never indicative of anything other than gender biased shyness. And you can be "gay" and sleep with women from time to time, it's not a black and white thing. Before I came out there were a few years where I was a complete manwhore (and boarderline alcoholic), and since coming out I have slept with a couple of women (I was drunk and she was just butch/tomboy enough), and neither of those facts makes me consider myself anything but gay. I was even engaged to a woman at one point, I still love her, but now I don't have to pretend it's romantic/sexual. No matter what keep be sure you know who you are, and keep up with yourself. If you try to be someone else it will be stressful and unfulfilling at best, or worst case it can lead down a rabbit hole of pain and torment that will destroy you and your relationships with every other human being you know.
Thank you for your responses, I feel much better now, I'll just assume I'm gay, and if one day it happens I like girls too, then it'll be fine, however, I don't think this last will ever happen :lol:. I'll be telling my other good friend I'm gay when he's back for holidays, if he accepts it, cool, if he doesn't, then :smilewave, I don't like pretending I'm straight and I like girls for god's sake, it's exhausting when you've been doing this for many years, I bet a good part of my shyness when talking about sex has to do that I'm not out to barely anyone.
You don't need to assume anything...unless you want to. Part of the trouble with my early teens is that I was worried about what I would 'become'. I now realise I don't get attracted to one specific gender, I get attracted to people. Gender of my partners has therefore become a very secondary thing. You don't have to let your choices define you unless you want to - and that's also fine!
Question... What porn do you look at? This a good question as there is no social pressure when interacting with porn. It is just you and your preferences. No girl in your space, no guy in your space triggering your social anxiety. Your choice in porn is 100% you and you alone. What is your porn preference? Stuck
I understand your confusion. I'm 46, had a great number of very pleasant sexual relationships with women and if anyone asked I'd have said I was straight, but then I fell in love with a fabulous man but because of my confusion and fear I ended up losing him. Even though I'd had sex with both men and woman I always considered myself straight because I'd only had relationships with females. At my advanced age I'm discovering sexuality, intimacy and love are far more complex, fluid and tentative than I could possibly have imagined just a few months ago. I prefer sex with women. They're just more interesting to me than men, but I can't maintain a relationship with a woman because I never feel safe and at ease with a woman. Right now ALL my friends are women! However, I have only ever felt that deep, safe, complete love for men. Go figure. I discovered a new word recently: homoromantic. The spectrum is so wide and broad and beautiful as the rainbow ascribed to the LGB movement. So after 45 years I discover I'm not what I thought but I don't know what I am, all I do know is where ever you find love hold tight, it's the most important thing in the world.
Phoenix, thank you for your understanding, though after reading your case, it's pretty obvious your case seems to be much more complicated than mine, before I joined this forum I never thought sexuality would be so complicated, in my town the only way to go is being straight, homosexuality is disgusting, and bisexuality is even worse considered, to be honest, I hate most people here are so close-minded, I just look forward to my chance of leaving my town. In any case, thank you for your support and your story, I wish you the greatest of lucks to you finding out who you are, and I will take your advice about love, even if someday it happens it's a girl, though I have to say again I doubt it'll ever happen unless it's a guy. I've never been asked this as irl everyone was supposed to watch straight one, but well, my personal choice is gay porn, though I've tried straight just to discover myself and see I had no interest at all in the end, in any case, I've always been really careful to not leave any trace of what I was watching. To be honest, I find the idea of having sex with girls disgusting, I don't know if that'll change in the future, but right now it's just the opposite to what I want.
I understand your opinion and I admit I don't like how he acted when he told me so, in fact, the idea I had no experiences came from my parents (hoping I would become straight someday :lol and he just agreed, and completed what my parents said, though I now see it was unprofessional I don't think it would be fair nor sensible to change my therapist just because he made a mistake (I know, it was a big mistake), when he's done so much good to me; some people make mistakes, even if they're professionals, I don't think it's just to condemn them for a mistake, they're human after all.
