I'm just so very tired.

A short summary of my life...

I grew up in a small town and from the time I was started school until the end of 7th grade I was picked on. I went to a very small school and rode the bus everyday. I would get spit on, my hair pulled, and a girl would even regularly shove her.. uh.. pads in my face. I was a "weird" girl. I did "boy" things and was very shy to everyone. I didn't have any friends the time I was there.

Well then right before 8th grade started I moved to another small town and switched schools. I made 3 friends (kinda). They thought I was very weird though but everyone seemed very accepting of me. Then 9th grade came, high school, Oh boy! I decided, enough was enough. I was gonna be myself no matter what anyone thought.. (or so i thought). So 9th grade I developed this very dark sense of style and people started picking on me again. Calling me weird all the time, calling me gothic. It was no where near as bad as what it was like at my first school.
As 10th grade rolled around my style toned down a little bit but people still picked on me and called me "emo" now. The summer after 10th grade I was hanging out with my 3 friends at a park and a boy walked up to me and said "You are scary person. If someone where ever to bring a gun to school, it would be you." I just don't even know..
My last two years in high school weren't bad at all. It seemed the teasing stopped. I dressed "normal" (like sweat shirts, jeans, tennis shoes). I just wanted to fit in and stopped being picked on.

I finally went to off to college. I picked a small college to go to because I am a very shy person. I made 1 friend while I was there. We weren't very close but I still considered her my friend.

I ended up transfering schools so I could be closer to my high school friends. This was a very bad idea. I went to another small college, and I just stopped going to class. Everyone seemed very judgmental and I was very afraid. So I just never went, never stayed in my dorm. I was always with my 3 high schools friends (who didn't go to college). I ended up getting into some bad stuff (drugs, alcohol, and even a relationship that was just terrible)

I only went to this school for a semester, When I decided, THAT IS IT! I'm so sick of this. And over christmas break i packed my stuff up and moved 1500 miles away from home to PA and yet another college.

It was like heaven. I found where i belonged. I have never found a place that was more accepting of me. And not the me i would put on for show. But i could actually be myself. It was wonderful. I loved loved loved loved it. Then, I met a boy. He was everything that I thought a relationship should be (to start off with)
After a semester of living on campus (Jan-May) I Decided to stay in PA and not come home. So I got an apartment with my boyfriend and my best friend that i made there.
It was amazing.

As mine and my boyfriends relationship went on, he started to become more possessive of me. I got a job for summer, he made me quit because i could possibly flirt with other guys. I tried to break up with him once, he smashed my window of my car and threatened to kill me. Yet, even after that, i thought our relationship was still "normal" or at maybe i was just hoping.

Now August rolled around and i had to make the decision to stay in the apartment, or go back to campus. My boyfriend convinced to not only stay in the apartment, but take only online classes so i never had to leave.
When i wanted to visit my friends on campus, he had to come with because he feared I would "talk shit" while i when I was there.

I was getting sick of it. But kept telling myself, "Things will get better once ____ happens" but once whatever that ____ was, nothing changed.

He had a couple big time enemies in PA and so he convinced me to move back home, which did sound like a good idea to me. I did miss my parents and my high school friends. So we made a plan to come home and I could do this whenever because all of my classes were online.

We planned to leave in early Nov. Then the hurricane hit. Which we thought would delay our trip, NOPE! We left a day (maybe two) after the hurricane hit.

I was so excited to be home (when i first got here). I took him to meet my friends, and the loved him. My parents loved him. It was great. I figured that things were actually looking up for our relationship.

Then a couple days after being home, i find out, I'm Pregnant! I was so happy! He was so happy. But after we found out. He resorted back to his old ways.

I couldn't go see my friends if he was at work (my mom got him a wonderful job). And if we were both there i wasn't allowed in a different room with them, in case i would "talk shit" about him. Same with my family when we were all home at the same time. But to everyone else, he seemed like a loving caring guy because that's how he acted in front of other people. So it always seemed like i was the one being mean.

We got in a fight one day when my parents weren't home. It was scary. He screamed literally in my face and then slapped me. So, I ended it. I called my mom and my dad and told them what happened and what has been happening and I ended it for good.

He got on a bus that night and went home to PA and I haven't heard from him since.

(ALL that about him isn't even the point of the story....)

So after that, I figured my 3 high school friends would be so supportive of me. and would want to be around all the time (like it was before) But.. They don't. In fact.. It really seems like they want nothing to with me.

I tried going back to my first college but since I did so bad at my second college they denied me and I'm at, yet ANOTHER, new college (this time a community college)

I live on campus, but by now, i'm just too afraid to even try to make friends.


I hate this.
I hate it all.
I'm so tired of being alone.
But I'm too scared to do anything about it..

I miss having the friends I had in PA.

I just.. don't even know what to do anymore..




(sorry if there are like a thousand typos..)

 

Well I talk all the time with my friends in PA!
But, it's not the same as in person.
They are all planning a trip to come see me in the summer, and I'm super happy about that.

I just don't even want to use the energy to find new friends.
I've been doing it my whole life.
And it never really works out for me.

I would love to have friends,
But i'm so sick of trying
(i'm also sick of being alone all the time)
So, right now its a lose-lose situation.

I am back in college.
And get along with my classmates.
I'm thinking, I might just get a part time job to take up some more time.

 

I actually posted a status today, on facebook.
(Right after I posted this.)

I summed it up in a lot fewer words.
and a lot of people didn't really know how alone i am.

the couple people i met at this college always thought i was my high school friends.
and a high school friend, that i wasn't that close to high school (not one of the 3 originally mentioned) always thought that I was with my 3 high school friends too.

So my ex-roommate from that college I'm at (long story), messaged me and said i'm welcome to text her and hang out whenever.
and the high school friend made plans with me (she lives about 2 hours away now) for a couple weekends to get together.

I know my 3 high school friends read it, I feel like they just don't care anymore.
and i'm getting to the point that I don't either.
I really think our friendship was based off of partying.
Since I don't party anymore, I really feel like I have nothing in common with them.
and they have made it pretty obvious that they don't have time for me.

 

Thank you

It means a lot to me.
(even if coming from a stranger)