male in early twenties, to spare all irellevent details, i grew up, middle to highschool, having emotional attachments to men not sexual (i could stand in a locker room with twenty naked dudes, id look but never got hot) i can remember girls i liked all through highschool but also dudes i had attachments to. I have hooked up with many girls and had sex four times, never did anything with a guy. Though i was drunk one night and was told i was acting gay. I asked myself in highschool if i was gay because i thought three of my friends where good looking, i shrugged it off. Flash to now, ive hooked up with two girls in two years no guys. Get excited when a girl bends over, get sort of tightness in chest anxiety with guys coupled with excited for certain guys. Still have mostly guys friends. Can masturbate thinking of either sex, but force myself to soley use mental pics of girls (dont judge me) Have a crush on a girl now, don't want to lead her on. To sum it up im very self concious and aware of how i behave hoping to not act gay (feminine). I am able to call myself bi sexual. What do you think? also i mentally steer myself towards heterosexuality, its not healthy, its a sort of compulsion.
also i literally just got a boner from watching lesbian porn, thirty seconds ago, so why do i continually question and doubt myself into a fit of anxiety about being gay
No one here would judge you. It is unfortunately normal for people to try to push themselves toward heterosexuality when they begin questioning themselves. Honestly, you will must likely have to have homosexual experiences before you will be able to be at peace with you sexuality, whatever it may be. You have a mental bais towards heterosexuality, which means that it is likely that you could be mentally surpressing any serious homosexual feelings that you may have. I'm not saying that you should run out and have a random hook-up with a guy. Just that it would be preferable if you explored these feelings with men before you tried to settle down with a women because this isnt something that you will want to have to deal with in 20 years. I certainly think it fair to consider yourself bisexual atleast for now; Leaving the door open and seeing where it takes you. The important part, and the part that you are probably going to have to get through before you completely figure yourself out, is realizing that you shouldnt allow yourself to fear who you are, or might be, on the inside. Being homosexual or bisexual, wont make your life and less fulfilling. But it will be less fulfilling if you arent honest and true to yourself. (*hug*) Edit: And I know gay men who masturbate to lesbian porn. Watching people in pleasure can be enough to arouse many individuals. You continue to stress yourself out about this because there are still unanswered questions and they will dtill linger until you find out for yourself.
I wish I could just dump my heart and soul to you right now.. you remind me so much of my 12-15yr and holy jesus it wasn't that great of an emotional time. I have been struggling with the questioning of my sexuality for 4 years. I am 17. I have grown up in the southern Bible Belt my whole life, having the idea that gays die and go to hell driven into my head every Sunday. So yeah, I mentally steer myself towards heterosexuality too. you remind me of a friend I had a few years back, he's now happy with his partner, but he started out like you. his attachments to men being more emotional. but he was physical too. My advice to you is to explore because if you don't you will never know why you are feeling the feelings you are. I'm sorry if I was alittle all over the place its really late over here. Emma
