Feeling stresse anyone relate to this?

Yes. I had a fight with my parents these days about them telling me what to do with my life, and I'm almost 18. Its awful :/. I don't have any good advices, I'm sorry. But you are not alone.

 

My boyfriend and I are in college and while we both eventually want kids, we both know that now is so not the time. His mother however, who did not graduate from college and already had two kids by the time she was our age, keeps asking me when he and I will get married and have kids, because as far as she is concerned, that's the only important thing in life. Also, I think it's funny that she only bothers me about this, because babies are the woman's responsibility.

Mothers :/

 

Parents have dreams for their kids and most of the time it includes the white picket fence and grandchildren. They cling to that and it's extremely hard for them to let go of that fantasy which they've concurred up for you from the day you where born.

Your sexuality is a direct threat to that dream, it goes against the picture they have created for you in their minds. It is going to take time for them to realise that there could be other happy versions of that picture out there... Maybe not quite how they envisioned, but happy none the less.

I've just turned 37 and my parents still try to hook me up with the perfect girl so that I can have the perfect family and produce perfect grandchildren that can take forth the family name, just like in the pretty picture they dreamed up for me the day was born.

Of course it causes stress, but realise that it comes from a good place, a place where they only want the best for you.

The irony is that in real life there's no perfect picture and really no guarantees, so the disappointment and grief of their perfect dream for you not turning out quite as they imagined would be there irrespective of your sexual orientation, something they would have had to deal with irrespective of whether you ended up with a guy or a girl. Lets say you where straight, got married with a girl and only ended up having daughters... So much for the perfect picture with the family name being carried forward etc. and so much for controlling the outcome of things we can't control.

It's a stupid notion with unnecessary stress that all parents tend to create for themselves and their kids, so don't take it too personal and don't be too harsh on them for having it.

 

My suggestion? Apologize for blowing up at her, but don't budge on what you want your life to be like. It's your life, and if you don't want children, then that's your decision and one she should be respectful of. One thing I've been told quite often is that when we change our behavior, other people often change their behavior...so it might be a good idea for you to do some self-reflection on things you could do that would influence your mother to change what she says to you and how she says it.

A potential script you could use for a (in my opinion) much needed mutually respectful conversation is...

"I would like you to know that I don't want children, so I would appreciate you accepting my decision. It's my life and I'll be the one to make the final decision on whether or not I have children or not. I feel like you aren't home much and that bothers me because I would enjoy spending some one on one quality time with you on a regular basis. Finally, I want you to know I'm an adult now and want to be treated like one. This means I will be open to respectful communication from you, and I will be respectful during conversations in return, but I will not listen to being told what to do with my life."

If your mother doesn't react positively to that then that's her choice and says more about her than it does about you. Hang in there, I'm in a similiar position with my parent that I'm trying to break free from...if I can do it, then so can you

 

You know, questions like that rarely come out of nowhere... Do you think your Mom suspects you are gay? I am sure this is a question you don't really want to consider, but do you really think she has no idea?

From your descriptions of your home life and living situation, it sounds like you are much closer with your Mom than you are with your Dad... How would she take it if you just came out and told her. Would she kick you out? Parents can be surprisingly resilient when it comes to accepting their kids. She may freak out, but at least she won't think that you hate her... Not at all telling you what to do, just food for thought. What is your next move?

-The Seeker

 

I know how it feels. At first when I told my step dad about being gay he was fine and then came today where he tried to dictate my life because he viewed gays a "weak" people. I guess that at first it was the shock talking but when he broke everything done he couldn't except it and got mad. He tells me that he won't have a son who's gay. I moved out today into the street but my mom found out and called the cops to find me. I eventually came back thinking I rather live in the streets. Don't think that way. What they said is true. U don't know what u have until it's gone. I missed everything i owned back home. Anyway ride it out until you move out and tell her that your an adult and that she can't control you (what adult hasn't used that excuse). Hoped this helped (I don't think it did but I tried) and one more thing don't let one thing stop u from being who you are when somethings in ur way push it aside a moment or go around it don't just let it sit there and mock you. Hope everything turns well

 

I have the same problem, i'm now 28 and in the middle eastern culture, a guy doesn't leave his parent's house till he is married (worst culture ever) so i live with my parents and now my mom is pressuring me to get married, specially that all my cousins around my age did. So far i'm telling her that i'm broke and can't afford it at this moment cause of the flat that i'm buying, i hope that by next year it will be ready and i'll try to move out, i hope i can avoid that topic with her or getting caught till then