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My mask is slipping..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rapter, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. Rapter

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    Alright, here is MY tale, I first came out to my parents when I was 16, (no one else suspected or knew I was gay) as they had always said I could tell them anything and they would still love me. It would seem of course that this was in fact NOT the case. We got into a yelling match about it and my Dad ended up kicking my ass pretty good, and they disowned me and kicked me out.

    I walked to a friends house and stayed there for a while. I know there was probably lots of other things I could have done but I already had a plan. I decided that I would NEVER tell anyone I was gay again as long as I lived and I put of a straight mask and I joined the army (Combat Engineers fyi). I did that full time for 5 years then I switched to the reserves and joined a police force (another place where if they knew I was gay I would be shunned)

    I have been doing the police thing for less than a year now and really like my job, but latley I feel like my straight mask is starting to slip. I have become depressed and have even had thoughts of suicide because of this charade I have been living.

    I still have not even spoken to my parents since I was 16 and have no intention of doing so, even though I guess it was my fault for telling them I was gay..

    Im tired of living alone and pretending to like girls (which is very hard for me to keep them away sometimes I feel like screaming at them IM GAY :rolle: ) I feel like everything is starting to spiral down and I dont know what to do, I can`t just leave my job I have car payments and bills to pay and my current salary pays the bills pretty well I guess. And I like my job.
    Anyone else in my boat?

    It does feel good to get this off my chest, even If it is just online..
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi,

    There are a number of us here that took the straight mask further. We married and had kids only to find ourselves where you do now.

    You are not unique or alone.

    My advice. Give up the straight mask. You need not change one thing about yourself except finding happiness. Coming out is much easier as an adult.

    You only made one error and that was the straight mask. You can take that mask off and still be the man you are today.

    Best of luck.

    Stuck
     
  3. Lance

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    I'm sorry your parents reacted like they did. It's not your fault for telling them you're gay. They were just bad parents and what they did was not acceptable. Parents are suppose to love their children unconditionally, which they did not do.

    As for your current situation, you don't need to go out telling everyone you're gay and wear a rainbow flag on your chest. Nothing about who you are now is going to change if you decide to come out. Being gay just means you're attracted to the same sex and capable of loving them in a romantic way. It's not everyone's business who you date or have sex with, especially at work since that seems to be a concern of yours. You can still date and have relationships without having to tell everyone. Once you get more comfortable with yourself and who you are, then you can decide who you want to tell. What it comes down to is that you're happy in life and not living a lie.
     
  4. Pat

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    Right, I know it feels like you dug a ditch. Every time the topic came up, you feel like you've been digging yourself deeper and deeper and the fear of being who you really are is at a point where it's not only about you being gay, it's about the fact that you've falsified the details of your life and who you are, so you feel like the credibility in what you have to say is going to be at risk. The moment when you tell someone and see them respond positively is like.. the first breath of life dude.. It REALLY is. You should look for people that will accept you for who you are. And not let your initial experience with coming out dictate the rest of your life, although it was linked to a traumatic event. You said within your message that it was your fault. It's not your fault at all. You can't help being who you are. A lot of gay people get pissy when people say that it's a choice. To some degree it is. You have to make the choice to live your life and let the unbearable burden off of your chest. I used to seriously feel like I was going to get crushed by that weight. I had stress building up to my throat and it hurt to even speak. In your case, starting out with someone who maybe doesn't know an awful lot about you would be good. I would recommend going out to the next city if you need to.. and just go find a sports bar if you relate to more masculine men and just relax and try to spark a conversation with someone. You'll find good people who will value you in your lifetime. We're the same age. I came out at 20 to my mom and then over the last couple years just the important people in my life and it's a tremendous difference from where I was. I think you'll be soooo much more happy to let that burden go. When it happens, you almost feel pretty damn ridiculous for holding on to it for so long. lol. Even though your parents reacted negatively, you'll be able to heal gradually. The thing about gay men and gay/bi/transgender people in general is that we all come with baggage from our experiences. We can all be damaged goods to an extent, but you have to play your part in acknowledging the issues and coming out on top of them. Definitely feel free to message me if you need any advice or just someone to talk to. You have to let some of that stuff out man, it's a heavy load.
     
  5. SmokeandMirrors

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    It really does and it's magnified tenfold if you can do it real life.

    I will second the man who I'm beginning to think of as the 'wise sage of EC' Stuck here. I got into that predicament, trying to be someone I'm not and actually have an 18 month old son. Fortunately, for everybody's sake, I cast off the mask before I could cause any more upset than I did coming out of the closet. I have no regret tho, the only regret would have been to bury my head in the sand. Just be careful you don't get yourself in a mess.

    That's the thing; you need to fully accept yourself. Don't wonder and doubt. Talking on here to like-minded people is a great way of getting on the path to doing just that. I think it only takes one person to come out to and then that urge to tell the world slowly fades away as you are no longer 'hiding' but just 'waiting' for people to notice you for who you are.

    Have faith in yourself my friend and into those who will support you (&&&)
     
  6. Jordz

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    Whoa, that is a bit harsh what they did. Parents are meant to love their children no matter what.

    Just accept your self, I can understand that you feel like it though from the reaction of your parents. You shouldn't let your families negative reaction stop you from being the person your meant to be.
     
  7. Chip

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    Welcome to EC. Glad you joined and told us your story.

    It's absolutely appalling to hear about what happened to you at 16, especially when they'd specifically told you that you could tell them anything and they'd still love you. That had to be really traumatic, and I totally understand why you have no interest in having contact with them.

    You've correctly surmised that you do eventually need to come out. I know that the Toronto police department actively recruits LGBT officer candidates and goes into the gay districts to promote and find appliicants, so at least some police departments are proactive in trying to eliminate the stigma. That said, there's definitely a culture that can make it challenging, and if you think about it, you're going to be more gunshy than the average person because of the experiences you've been through.

    I would think that a first step would be to see a counselor or therapist and talk about the feelings. Clearly, if you're depressed and thinking about harming yourself, that's a serious issue that needs to be addressed. And then, after starting that process, I think you'll start to see various options and pathways open to you.

    Ultimately, having to live under a mask is really bad for your self esteem, because you're constantly telling yourself that you aren't good enough as you are, and people won't love you if you admit you're gay... again, for good reason, given the way your parents treated you. So this is the first issue to begin working on, and as you develop a stronger sense of self esteem, it will be easier to see the various options you have.

    Feel free to message me or any of the advisor team if you would like to talk more one-on-one.
     
  8. Rapter

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    Yeah, I guess thats true, I could have seen myself in that situation eventually to be honest. As far as giving up the straight mask nothing terrifies me more haha, guns being pointed at me, no problem. Telling people I`m gay scares me because I know I will lose alot of hard earned respect with people. I probably just have trust issues.

    No I guess I dont, though I think that would certainly get the girls to stop bothering me :lol:

    Thats pretty damn accurate, it would seem I`m not as alone as I had thought
    Believe me I know its not a choice... if it were I would probably pick being straight I just meant it was my fault for telling them

    I think your right when you say thats a good first step, I just wish I didnt have to do it alone (which is how I have had to do everything in my life)

    Thanks for the feedback everybody I honestly did not expect this much supportive advice. I have been looking at other coming out stories on here and there are some other pretty horrific ones, it seems like a horrible thing to say but reading them actually made me feel a little better in that I`m not alone...
     
  9. AAASAS

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    You'd do fine in the Toronto Police force, or any metro police force in Canada, maybe not in Calgary or Edmonton. I know two members of the Toronto Police department that are lesbians.

    Also can't you use some of the attitude you get from being a cop and apply it to your real life. Police officers have to deal with knowing the general public doesn't care for them much, thinks they're corrupt, and hypocritical. I have personally heard more disdain for police than I have for homosexuals and I live in a small town. Now not all police officers are all of those things, but it still is similar to having homosexual stereotypes applied to you. Why not use whatever you technique you use when it comes to being and officer, that you use when it comes to being gay.

    I work in a homophobic environment(dock worker in a warehouse), so I do know how that feels. I just try to not get attached to people at work, and stay away from conversations that involve sex or women. At least that way you aren't 100% lying.
     
    #9 AAASAS, Feb 3, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2013
  10. Rapter

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    Haha bingo!

    Yeah, I do that very carefully as I feel like people will start to wonder
     
  11. AAASAS

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    I'm guessing you are from Alberta than. Well least I can offer you is to apply to be an officer in the GTA. Which most likely is flooded, and I know currently working on hiring staff more reflective of the demographic, so straight white male may not cut it. However gay white male is different.
     
  12. Rapter

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    I guess thats something to think about, alberta is pretty redneck and homophobic, but I assumed it was like this everywhere, and applying as a gay white male would involve coming out so I guess that would be a good first step
     
  13. B06SAJ1a

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    I haven't read all of the comments above, so pardon me for that. But I want to say that I think that the mask can be carefully worked off. We needn't quit our jobs or overreact. We can be methodical about it. We don't have to walk out one day wearing a sandwich sign advertizing our orientation. I've been working on outing over the past year and my job's going quite well. It's my business whom I tell and when. What's most important is that I continue the work of self-acceptance and to find myself integrating into the same-sex community. I realize that it feels like we have to go hog-wild into change and dump everything in our lives in favor of something new, but that's not the case - not in my opinion. Take small steps and sort of work up a strategy. Remember that you've gotta survive and, as you said, pay the bills and stuff. That's a perfectly noble and healthy value to espouse. Take care of yourself as you must.
     
  14. XsabercaliberX

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    All I have to say is that don't let others words or actions in your way you recently read my story bit that was only one of the many stories you read. One time I ran away for about six months (I really don't know how I'm alive) I moved area to area in desperation for a home but couldn't find one. I know that I should take my own advice but I did learn that today. Today he kept talking to me in a negative tone but I ignored it and moved on. Sorry that you got kicked out without a choice (i did have one but didn't chose to stay) I hope that you get better and don't hide who u really are it just brings more pain an sorrow upon yourself. Don't keep treating yourself like this and harm yourself in the process. Believe it will get worse if you keep hiding it. People may laugh at u on the outside but as long as you know that you're a good person on the inside and someone sees it you don't need to care about what others think. I think that you'll find someone and when you do I hope you live a great life. Hope this helped. Good luck with everything!
     
  15. Cthulhu

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    I'm sorry to hear what your parents did to you. That's horrible. :frowning2:
     
  16. AAASAS

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    Don't get me wrong, Ontario is still like that, I live in the GTA and my town would not be a place to be a gay cop, but in Toronto, Mississauga, or any of the other bigger outlying cities it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Being an O.P.P though would be a different story.
     
  17. Furmanuel

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    WooEEE: Looks like we got someone from Oshawa here? Haha!

    In all seriousness, down here in Hamilton, I don't think anyone cares about whether you're straight or gay - OPP or HPD, I think no one really cares. Honestly - if someone doesn't want you to be gay, then you can tell them to go :***: off, because they have no clue what's right or wrong.

    And to be more general: the mask is difficult to wear. You tried to take it off once, and your parents were nasty - they stapled it back onto your face. You can live just fine without them, and I'm sure that some people wouldn't do the same - for example, at 16, you were dependent on your parents. Now, at 21, can you be fired by a colleague? The repercussions are almost non-existent in later periods of life. That's why it's not a bad idea to shed that mask, before you have to result to plastic surgery!

    OK, I KNOW, I DID A TERRIBLE JOB AT CONTINUING THAT ANALOGY. But I tried, right?

    Best of luck,

    -E.F.
     
  18. IanGallagher

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    I'm pretty sure even those with pre-conceived notions about gay guys would think, "wow - he's gay, be he's also a really brave cop. That's cool, man." I live in a relatively small town that I thought was homophobic and that turned out to just be my fears and that that wasn't present at all. It might be the place you are. But, also just fears of how people would react. As said I doubt anyone unless extremely homophobic would think any less of a cop because he's gay, since it is one of the key careers out there that not many would be brave enough to do.
     
  19. bingostring

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    Let that (suffocating) mask slip... But in stages but at a speed you are comfortable with.

    You have been through hell and deserve an easier ride from here on.

    I would strongly recommend some time with a therapist to help you through things.

    Your parents .... Words fail me!

    All best wishes xxx

    :kiss:
     
  20. skiff

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    Hi,

    I just told my siblings that I am gay after 21 years of marriage and two children, I lost none of his respect, it surprised him but he is supportive.

    Why would the people you love and trust lose respect for you?

    I have never had a gun pointed at me but I don't know what scares me more... Having a gun pointed at me or telling my wife I am gay. I know what to expect from a gun but how the heck will my wife react? I have to unload that news into her.

    That is far, far worse than telling my siblings. My siblings were easy, very supportive I lost none of their respect, they understand how societal pressure could have driven me to this mistake.

    I think you may be overplaying loss of respect in your mind.

    Anybody who hears your full story will understand and not lose their love and respect for you. I do not know you but respect you more for taking this struggle head on. You are what my dad would call a man's man.

    Never forget that. Not running away from this makes's you a man's man. I respect that.

    Stuck