Hello everyone. Let me keep this short and sweet. I have a problem right now, and god help me it remains awkward to go about asking for advice from my family/friends. I am bisexual. Most of my friends and family know I am bisexual, usually I mention it if I get to know someone. But not always; I have only had one boyfriend for a little while, and not every single person knew about him. My best friend Bob, my friend Sam, my brother and I we like to play some nice music together. I am turned on more and more each day by Sam. I never told him I was bi, nor my brother, but I am very sure my brother knows from other people and friends. Bob was the first person I came out to, but he doesn't go round telling everyone. So anyway, I got so much closer to Sam recently, and I am so attracted to him, and my instincts tell me to kiss him and have sex with him. I have only ever had sex with one guy before, and I knew after I that I was bi. One time, last summer, I dropped some molly with my friends and I was talking to Sam and Bob, and Sam told me that "if he was gay he would definitely be a bottom." Now, Sam and I have never discussed my gayness or anything like that. Sam told me that he likes the feeling of you know... what gay sex *would* feel like for him, he told me he would like it. So after that we never spoke about it much. But sometimes I get signals from him, I feel him holding me closer than usual or feeling me mentally. But I know for sure he likes girls as well, and the odds of him and me BOTH being bi are very slim... so....? Not so short and sweet after all... Basically, should I go for it and try to have sex with him? Or forget about it? Maybe if we do it, it will make things weird and ruin the musical relationship we already have... but there is sexual tension I can feel it, so what to do? I don't want to sound stupid but I have had many a heartbreak before with girls and guys, and I don't want to risk it... but we only live twice right? Thank you
Look, I would think that if he's talking like this, then he's definitely interested in trying out sex. Let's call it experimental. First of all, I think you misunderstand both probability and sexuality. The odds of winning the lottery are so ridiculously slim that if you were to look at it mathematically (using expected frequency), every single purchase of a ticket would be considered a bad deal. And not just a bad deal, but a terrible, terrible deal. But people win the lottery all the time. It does happen. Given enough chances, even the most unlikely event is certain to happen. But really, that's not the point, and it's just a way for me to talk about probability. Human nature is extremely complicated. And by extension, so too is sexuality. Everyone is different. And while the labels of straight, gay and bisexual are used by so many, and are incredibly useful, that's about it. Very few people experience exactly 50% attraction to both sexes. Sexuality is very, very diverse. These three subgroups are only labels; people can experience varying levels of attraction anywhere in between. Myself personally, while I identify as gay, there is definitely still an attraction to woman. If a really hot woman was to walk in, I would definitely probably do her. But for the most part, I have a much stronger attraction to men, and I expect that's the way my life is going to pan out, so "gay" is a useful and accurate-enough label. It could be that your friend has an 80% attraction to women and a 20% attraction to men, and he is creating this sexual tension because of this attraction. It may even be the other way around! Maybe he has been focusing on his 20% attraction to women because this is "the norm" and the most socially accepted way of going about things, but really he's been attracted to men more all along. Who knows. But he definitely has some sort of attraction to men, and it's not unlikely at all for this to occur. I would say that he definitely wants to have sex with you. But whether this would ruin your "musical" friendship depends on whether he is just experimenting with the small side of his attraction i.e. to men, or whether he really has a larger attraction that he's been keeping under wraps. It's up to you to figure out which. (And please do not #yolo around the place because this is a bloody horrible expression! Yeah, we only live once! And that's why we need to keep the friends we've got, not risk losing them over sex. We don't have another life to life, and the current one is much better with friends. But I'm being annoying, and I probably would risk it for sex. But I wouldn't use the fact that I'm only living once to justify it.) Perhaps the best thing to do is to talk about it with him, and finally come out to him. But if he's only being experimental, this will likely kill any chances of you having sex. If he's only being experimental and only exploring a smaller part of his attraction, then having sex with him will only really be possible if you don't come out to him and he's like staying the night with you and it gets really tense and he gets aroused. I don't think "experimental" will happen if you reason it out with him after you come out, which makes it risky too (but it could, too, I don't know). But if he does have a larger attraction to men, maybe he would seriously consider a relationship with you if you come out to him. So with that, you have to decide whether you just want to come on to him or come out to him. One word of a difference, but it's a big one.
