So back in high school is when my feelings for girls started – starting with my bff. I remember writing lyrics, and even hiding a flower bouquet in my guitar case on separate occasions. I’d always want to hang out with her alone but then when I did I’d get mad at myself because I’d get too emotionally attached to her. I’d get so jealous of her bfs. Anyway once upon a time she thought she was bisexual (she’s now straight), so I thought it was a good idea to write a love letter for her. I remember when I wrote it I cried so hard on it because I didn’t know if I was lying to myself about my crush on her – I just felt horrible but its like I knew I had to do it. Needless to say she burnt the note in front of my face and that was that. Funny enough at one point she even wanted me to make out with her so I could “teach her” for her bf but I never did because I didn’t think I could take being used.Dumb me I’m still her friend to this day – even though I swear she still purposely screws with me. She even claims that since she got through her “phase” she believes I’m kidding myself with the gay thing. When I told my mom about the whole thing with my bff and told her I may be bisexual she said I was confused. She said also blaimed my friend for exposing me to bisexuality and told me that it was a phase and that I had confused infatuation for something more. I was crushed and still managed to cry on my mom’s shoulder for 2 months. Needless to say she still thought I was straight but confused. It was such a dark time in my life that I spent the rest of my high school days trying to “rebuild” our “friendship” and compensate by throwing myself onto guys hoping sparks would fly. I avoided openly gay people like the plague. Ironically I got butterflies for another girl and that only made me more depressed – I could only hope university was better. I ended up staying living at home to go to a university in my own town – partly to avoid my bff. Stupid thing is that she still wants to live with me when we graduate. I have to say that when we visit each other I never want to let her go and always have the urge to kiss her – it sucks. So lucky me in university I meet this other girl that is amazing on my first day – really cute so I knew I had to avoid her because I’m supposed to be straight somehow. Anyway so in one class she mentioned that she’s had lesbian roommates. I got even more so anxious I started avoiding her altogether. Needless to say I eventually let her in and she’s even more amazing than I thought. She’s hilarious, smart, humble, super nice and ambitious – yes I realize it’s infatuation. I can’t figure out why but I also can’t stop eyeing her either. It sucks at times when I don’t see her for a while I think I’m okay back to safe zone but when I see her I melt. I can’t say I actively sexually fantasize about her but I get all romantic in my head – I feel so depressed. Thing is that like I have a bf now. I like him a lot, in the very least as a friend or for how much he loves me – like I love the way he looks at me. However I feel guilty because I know he loves me more than I ever will. I’m no gold star so I have been intimate with him – he’s my first. However I can’t ever gather my thoughts around him or calm myself down – I often drift to thinking about girls. When I do tune into him its good but only momentarily. Usually I’m the one who initiates it – usually when I got anxious from seeing girls I like but I quickly start dreading my decision to start - otherwise I don't want him and I'm super awkward around him. I know I probably don't like him like that but I always rationalize to myself that I haven't found the right guy or haven't given it enough time. All I know is that I use be suicidal when the thoughts started coming back and becoming amplified in university - I just can't handle that and the possibility of letting him go to explore - it scares me so much I’ve also had another bf in college. He had the worst libido so I’d get angry at him because he paid no attention to me but I think that might have to do with me rushing into things to test myself with guys and over compensate. Funny enough I use to think he was gay. Maybe I'm still in denial but I also started noticing other girls – which only got worst with time – same with the paranoia and countless instances of rationalizing. In college I started noticing one of my classmates who gave me butterflies. In the first years I knew her I'd avoid her like the plague because I was anxious and afraid. She's just so beautiful, smart, ambitious and hilarious. She always compliments me but it always hurts when she does because it only serves as torture because I'm pretty sure she's straight. It's stupid but I always use to fantasize about going on dates with her. I have tried the gay bar but I felt all the girls aren't my taste – plus I knew way too many people there and I’m not ready for confrontations. Online dating is somehow a turn off - I feel like it makes it all too real and paranoid that I'm actually straight afterall. I still hold on to the dream that hopefully I just haven’t met the right man. I want the American dream with kids and a normal lifestyle. Ironically I’m afraid of getting disappointed and turning out straight later on if I decide to come out gay now Lastly my current bf nows that I’m confused but still thinks I’m straight somehow! Doubting never stops. FML What do you think? SORRY FOR THE LONG POST
Hmmm. l kinda remember your other post. You are sounding like you might be this time though xD Are you the one l said to "it depends on how much you like boys"?
it sounds a lot like what l did with guys. Around 19 l just jumped in and if anything l was eager to get the sex going, really thinking it would help or just to see if it would be enough to make me really lose it over a boy. well. you like girls A LOT xD And you aren't really saying "l was madly in love with and infatuated with this boy who broke up with me, am l gay?" You just don't sound into them, and the fact that you've questioned for rhis long means a lot. xD you do...sound gay. Probably
My first thought while reading your post was " wow, that's almost exactly like me" In high school I did have this girl who I was totally crazy about. I would honestly take a bullet for this girl, no joke. She was interested in me and we were flirting for a little while, then I got terrified. My mind would totally swim with emotions and that electricity feeling when she touched my arm or anything. I had a choice between the guy i'm with and her. I chose him, because I told 2 family members about my sexuality and they FLIPPED OUT. So I was scared way way way in the back of the closet. I stayed there for 10 years. I have married to this guy and have been for a year so far. There isn't one day that I haven't had those same drifting thoughts when I'm with him, just like you do. I want to feel what your suppose to feel in a relationship again. :/ Definitely, do not get married before you figure yourself out. I have to learn the hard way now and that was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I am just recently "coming out" of self denial and emotional suppression. Its scary, but I feel free finally.
Your feelings have been pretty consistent over the years, yet you still chose to suppress your feelings. I think you should explore your feelings because they aren't going away anytime soon. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I know it's scary, believe me, but it's okay. I've been with the father of my kids off and on since I was 19. We're no longer together because I could no longer deny my feelings. They got stronger the more I tried to suppress them. I've been out and dating women for a while and it's been great!! I'm happy and I can finally breathe and be myself.
Take some time to listen to what your heart is telling you, which seems to be that you like women. That doesn't mean you have to forsake the company of men forever, but right now they're not your thing. Admitting that to yourself is half the battle.
Sexuality is fluid. Don't feel pressured into calling it out. Or having to decide so someone eles can understand you. Look the fear right in the face and say no! I'm going to do what makes me happy. Don't focus on what being with a woman makes you and focus on what being with someone you love makes you.
Possibilities: You could be bi. That's fine. You could be lesbian. If you really think you might be, it will feel good to tell yourself the truth. (Same goes for bi, but I'm biased - ha, ha - because I'm a lesbian.) You could be you. You might just like people. But as a lesbian, I can honestly say that even just coming out as bi was a huge first step for me. (Even though I ended up coming out as gay, some people really are bi. You're not me!) Feel free to message me. It's a reeeeaaaally hard thing to go through, I know.
