What if I'm not gay?

Whatever you are, you are you. And that's a beautiful thing.

 

I feel the same way at times. Sort of, anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but I have this kind of...well...I guess you could call it a phobia? I often get scared that I'm going to come out, and then everything will change. And I'm not even talking about my interactions with other people, family, or friends. I'm talking about me.

What would I do if I came out, and then a few months later, everything is flipped and I find out I'm straight? After coming out as gay, how could I backtrack and convince my family otherwise? Blame it on a phase? Would that work? Or would that only change the way they act on the surface? I'm afraid that they'll reject me in the first place, whenever I do decide to come out to them. Would it be at all possible to convince them I'm straight, or would they always wonder.

If I come out to my parents, I'd rather be able to give them a clear definition of me and what I am, whatever that is. But then that fear creeps up...what if I come out, and I'm wrong?

I hope you get some good replies to the original post. I could use the advice too.

 

I am scared of one day becoming straight too, but not because of that.

I actually have grown to kinda like being gay so much that being straight scares me...

 

Sorry, but... What? If you're not gay then you're not gay. You shouldn't have built your entire life around that you're gay. The fact that I'm gay isn't a cornerstone to my identity. I just happen to be a lesbian. If I woke up tomorrow and I was straight, it would be weird but it wouldn't effect my daily life at all.

 

Yeah I mean if you're not gay then you're not gay. Wouldn't make a difference to us, I wouldn't think.

 

Based on what you've said...I think you're gay.

 

Just to clarify, this isn't really a case of cognitive dissonance. That's moreso when your actions don't line up with your beliefs. And you, well... you know you like guys, and you act on that by being attracted to them and watching gay porn.

When you waver and think about women, that isn't cognitive dissonance, that's outright denial.

Sexuality is fluid. Sure, you might feel totally gay some days, you might not another. Labels are nice, but aren't for everyone. If you don't like committing to one, then don't. Just run with whoever you like today, for today. And if it changes tomorrow, then run with that.

To the understanding, supportive person, coming out isn't a declaration that you only exclusively like what you said at that present moment. People are different, and if the person you came out to cares enough to still associate with you, I'm sure they're likely to understand (or at least hear you out) if your attractions change and you're experiencing confusion.

 

It doesn't seem in your post that you truly like girls. Experiencing one boner over a girl or having one passing sexual thought doesn't necessarily make you straight or bi. It's probably just hormones. At age 15, I would've laughed at the idea that I was gay. I was in huge denial mode. You should probably go with the label of questioning or unsure if you feel like you are experiencing confusion... But I feel its more of hormones that is making you think you are confused. If you truly liked girls, you would have experienced crushes on them and would be turned on every time you saw them naked. In regard of emotional attraction, yes we can feel an emotional connection with lots of different people. Emotions are truly fluid... however, when it comes to intimacy and pure sexual attraction, it's a bit more rigid. From what you said, your sexual attraction appears to be directed solely towards guys. I know I am going against the grain on this one, but sexual attraction doesn't respond too well with environmental changes like emotions do (aka I don't think it's as fluid).

 

How I'm seeing this is that you're attracted to guys full stop. You watch gay porn because you enjoy the thought of intimacy between two guys. You could turn out to be Bisexual though, and even Panromantic Androsexual is a possibility. But I don't think you should worry about how this might change you because it won't; I dont think people would treat you any differently as it's not like you changed, more like realised. Obviously, you still have some exploring to do, so don't let this bother you right now. Hope this helps.

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes. I'm just taking it slowly, telling myself that right now I'm gay, and that's how I'll see myself. If I ever get strong evidence that it's all a messed up lie, I'll re-evaluate. It makes coming out scarier though.

 

I have a friend who identifies as Homosexual Biromantic, that may very well fit the description you have described.

 

concider that you might not be one or the other. There are many other combos. Bisexual, biromantic, fluid among others. I didn't feel the same as you describe your feelings though, I just have the attraction from both sides and either makes me happy. You may not be bi but you may very well be something else inbetween - the good thing is that it doesn't matter lol!! It seems scary but you'll find yourself and then you just need to come out to yourself. Hope the confusion passes soon.

 

First of all, one thing to remember:

LABELS ARE FOR TUNA CANS, NOT FOR PEOPLE

What I mean is don't label yourself, and most of all, don't ever let anyone else label you.
You are what you are and if you like girls one day and guys the next day, it's your call. Don't stress out.

At some point you probably going to have a stronger inclination for either one, but not necessarily, so you go out there and experiment with guys, girls, and do whatever you feel comfortable with.
Just one thing, don't fool yourself and don't try to fool someone into thinking you are something you are not. Be honest, with yourself and your partner/boyfriend.

 

Don't put yourself in a box bro.

 

Hi, taking this post on face value....it really seems fairly certain to me that you are gay. I see no evidence of any normative hetero attraction to women or even genuine bisexuality.

---------- Post added 12th Mar 2013 at 07:52 AM ----------

I think the confusion you feel stems from a lack of understanding of homosexuality itself. I don't agree with the posters above who tell you not to label yourself, I believe there are differences between masculine and feminine gay guys, the fact that at eight you already knew you liked men is a real clue to your sexuality (as is the fact that seeing a women give a man a blowjob grosses you out). Feminine gay men are not attracted to men in the manner hetero men are attracted to women or even masculine homosexuals or bi guys are attracted to men. As a male you are raised to expect to be attracted to a gender in a hetero manner...and this is not the case...hence confusion....your attraction to men is more emotional and less visual plus you bond well with women. You are confusing your orientation with social expectations.

 

I read these posts on here all the time. I see it as denial due to something inside of you want's to feel you are "normal". Well normal is a bore! It sounds to me you need to try a boyfriend on for size, and if it does not feel right try a girlfriend. Heck if you need both, date a trans person. Go with your heart and you won't go wrong, because only you know for sure what makes you happy. June

 

Chickenlover and Monty93, I feel you guys! It is the reason why I refused to come out. I didn't want to go back in, that would be HORROR to me.

I know labels are for tuna cans, as quoted from mairoxo, but the straight world that surrounds us forces us to choose one and stick by it. I could choose not to label myself at all, and when someone would ask me to define my sexuality I could say: Sometimes I feel really gay, sometimes I'm not 100% sure... but that could also be just romantically or a mistake... (blablabla)' nobody is going to take that seriously. At least, that's how I feel. My family calls me a lesbian because they think it's easier. And I feel like a homo most of my time.

Don't put away those feelings but don't over-analyse them either, because that would lead you to go crazy! Just let it go (that's what I have chosen to do), I am becoming stronger in my choice of identification (not: choice of sexuality, but the label I have chosen for myself, that doesn't define me but comes as close as possible without making it too difficult for myself).

by the way, I also agree with HEREIAM2. Hetero-attraction is different than gay attraction. I look at girls, just like straight men, but I look for different things/in a different way than they do.