So what do you guys think? This is long but I'd appreciate all your company.

So, I'd like to start out with a general synapses of the past year or so. But before, let me explain my childhood. I never questioned my sexuality ever. I never looked at a boy and felt something, never had a crush on a guy, and never thought about being gay. (I'm a guy.) I have loved women since kindergarten. I remember drawing a flower for a girl named Amanda and was devastated when she moved the next year. :lol: Threw the rest of elementary school, I had a crushes on more girls, wanting to be next to them, wanting to play with them haha. But I was a boy nonetheless and still liked boy things. Same went with middle-school. I had long-lasting, even dreadful crushes. (since I was usually rejected) In fact, up until eighth grade, I had been rejected by every girl I liked and had feelings for. But oh well. Still, I mind you, there were no thoughts of men or being gay, I was 100% sure in my sexuality; that is, straight. And being a teen, I had begun to have fantasies, all still with women. Nothing ever felt wrong. Although, I was a little weird those days, where I dressed in all black. I knew I was different, couldn't put my thumb on it though. But I NEVER questioned my attraction to girls, as I'm sure it was genuine. I was girl crazy and a hormone stricken teen.

However, going into high school, I felt so much pressure to get "laid" since my brother was a stud in his days. I knew I was going to get rejected but I pretended like pulling girls was no worry. I might add, hooking-up wasn't my thing, my siblings were much older than I at the time so I saw their relationships and comfortableness and wanted that, not a one-night hookup.

So I met a girl through a girl best friend I had. I talked a lot with this girl and she was pretty inexperienced herself. Both of us haven't had our first kiss, and this was about to be the 9th grade. I actually had girlfriends in middle school but broke up in a week haha, since i was too afraid of what they might say about how bad I'd be at kissing, since that's what was talked about. (this was the summer of 8th grade) Eventually, we got around to liking each other. But she then went on a spree of making out with other dudes. It pissed me off kinda even though I never admitted to her that I liked her back. We stopped talking, then talked again. This time, I told myself that I should swallow my pride and hook up with her. As to finally get a first kiss and since this one was in the bag. We had sleepovers since my dad was cool and we hooked up. As i was leaning in, i said i couldn't. Because of my pride and how i didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Well i ended up saying whatever and we hooked up the entire night. *TOO MUCH INFORMATION?* I felt a little embarrassed since i got an erection so easily from just the kiss. But, a month passed with out thing in place but she abruptly ended it when I was sure we would date for so long. She never gave me a reason. I went to hate every possible thing about myself, and hating myself for pushing this amazing girl away, even though this was just her nature, as I discovered later when she was with more guys.

6 months passed of self loathing. A new girl came to our school, and i needed a so called bounce back. I got her number fast, unlike my normal, awkward self, and had her at my place the same week. We hooked up, and i saw my first set of breasts and man was i excited. The following weeks was more and more. I'm not going to lie, i was always afraid of showing girls my manhood since i feared it was small hahaha. *TOO MUCH INFO?* after performing oral on her one night, the first time i ever done so, and i enjoyed it a lot , she said it was my turn, although i couldn't get it up for a minute or so. It was really strange. On top of that, it took a while for me to finish, but i was so nervous i dont remember a lot. The next week, i persuaded her to have sex (both our first times) we did and i loved it. So much so that we did it every week for the next 2 months. Although when we broke up, i realized i only liked her because of the things we did sexually, i didnt really feel for her like the first girl. (that is, i believe to this day, love) The following summer, i tried to talk to other girls again but failed like i always did. I felt like shit when i found that the second girl had moved on. Even more so when my friends and i stopped talking because i had to work. I went into a depression, and when i heard singer Frank Ocean was gay, something inside me hit HARD. no idea what it was. But i was then frantically obssesed with the idea that i was gay. I have had fantasies of male friend but feel sick. When i say "i am gay" my stomach says "YES" but my heart says "NO WAY" and my head just tears me apart. This has been going on for 7 months. When drunk one night, i did hit on a lot of girls and scored, but i dont remember it. I have felt both suicidal and relieved for reasons i cant explain at the thought of being gay. somedays are more dreadful than others. While the fantasies arent as regular, the thoughts are still. And this has never been me before. I am fascinated with the switch which was so sudden, and i cant figure it out. Help me please:help:

---------- Post added 4th Feb 2013 at 06:13 PM ----------

also, i might add, at the time of posting this, I'm not girl crazy like before. It is so strange to me. I catch myself still checking out girls but i don't believe I'm straight anymore. In REAL life, I have never been attracted to guys, still don't look at them like i did girls, but it's just that absence of attraction to girls that has me going in circles. I don't want to believe I'm gay or straight (due to thinking myself to death and over-analyzing situations.) And being bi scares me more than anything since i don't understand it. Thanks everyone.

 

So what i can say is Bryon kind of has it down. I really did like Frank Ocean as an artist and when i found out about his coming out, i don't know what it was. Or how to explain it. But since that day, half a year ago, I can't stop thinking if I'm not so straight or something like that after all. What really stumps me is my SUDDEN switch. I can truly say that it was within a day or two that i began questioning my sexuality. I have nothing to hide since on this forum is the only time i have decided to talk about it. And by fantasies, I mean I acquired a sexual attraction to him, but it was more imagery than than idea that i liked. I remembering feeling pretty sick afterwards. But this is a friend who i wouldn't really call first if I wanted someone to hang out with. I have no idea why he was the focus of my fantasies. (which stopped after the 3rd month of questioning)

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2013 at 06:29 PM ----------

And to luvanmusiq, I have actually thought of that as well. KTWK actually brought up something about the absence of straightness might have something to do with it and i have been thinking about that as well. Here's a little look into my school life and life as well so you and anyone else can see who i sorta am. My sister works at a high-end fashion boutique in Chicago so i get a lot of free men's clothes with price tags i wouldn't look twice at. But I usually get compliments on my clothes from both sexes. Also, hygiene and everything is in check for me as well. I play football, run track, and have higher than a 4.00 GPA, so it acquired me some popularity, which is somewhat unwanted. But one thing i used to absolutely hate and the only thing that made me question my sexuality before was being put into the "friendzone" 80% of the time since I'm not always "hounding" at girls. I wondered if they thought I was gay or something but I realized how offensive that was. It's been like that for a while and it lowers my self-esteem quite a bit. I was never the type of person to have a lot despite compliments and such.

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2013 at 06:34 PM ----------

Actually I lied, I have told 3 people. But the reason I don't bring it up is because it adds a little more confusion. One would be the scariest, and it was my older brother. He was my parent growing up since my parents split and my mom or dad weren't ever around. He said he really didn't care and it didnt change anything. But when the words left my mouth, telling him, i thought about how ridiculous it sounded and untrue overall. But inside i felt that. Same thing with the next two people i told. (the feeling that came that is) When saying it aloud to another person, I feel like its nonsense, and i feel relieved of the burden of questioning for a week, thinking im definitely straight, but then it comes back. *READ* I know I'm posting a lot guys but it feels so good to talk to people with really kind hearts and willing to help. Thanks for to the people viewing and to the people sticking with me here