Ok, here goes. I'm not really sure where to begin so I hope this makes sense. I've been dealing with my underlying gayness for several years now. I'm 22 and in my fourth year of uni. I guess in high school I felt pressure from others (bearing in mind I went to a girls school that was, on the whole,very hostile towards lesbians or anything else that didn't conform) to become interested in boys. I never had a social life so it took the form of talking to boys online. But whenever they wanted to meet I'd get scared and put them down harshly. It was cruel but I felt like something just wasn't right. A couple of times it got close. I met up with one boy and it just didn't click. It was largely due to my crippling social anxiety, which I'm still struggling with now. But it was also because I just didn't really feel like I should be in that position. It felt wrong. What's worse is that I beat myself up for being unable to connect with people in any meaningful way. I felt awful and became extremely depressed. So I put it away for a while. For about a year I convinced myself I was asexual. Anything to avoid having to admit how I really felt. Of course, along the way thoughts crept into my head, you know, what if... But I put them away as well. I spent most of that year by myself and that was fine. Then I went to uni, and I was free of any high school drama. People mostly left me to my own devices and I managed to make a friend or two (most of whom eventually deserted me). I remember clearly the moment I acknowledged my feelings. During the first semester I had felt a little different when I saw particular people in classes or wherever but during the Christmas holidays I had this dream that I was totally infatuated with Megan Fox, of all people, and I pretty much woke up the next day with new 'what if' thoughts and, well, I guess I let them in because I never went back. It was one of those clichéd it-all-makes-sense-now moments. Why I'd never been particularly interested in boys, and why famous people I had crushes on when I was younger were basically very girly men (like Leonardo DiCaprio when I was really little, or later on men in glam rock bands who basically dressed up as women). I might be reading into this too much. But whatever. I thought I'd be able to live with it. I'd pretty much been isolated all my life, right? This wouldn't change anything. Well actually it made certain things quite a lot more awkward. When family friends asked about boyfriends. When I was sitting in a group of women and they were talking about men. And just generally not being able to express my desires like other people do ('oh I really love X actor, he's so hot!' 'umm, he's not really my type'). It made me very depressed. I started hating myself. Like I said, I'd never been 'normal' due to my social anxiety and my nationality, I was very isolated and excluded at school. This was just another ridiculous problem to add to the growing mountain of problems. Why can't I just be normal? Admittedly some days are worse than others. At my best I can quietly deal with it, at my worst I'm suicidal. I've never told anybody this. Right now, I feel like I've reached a point where if somebody asked me if I like girls I'd be able to say yes. But every time I try and bring it up with someone myself, I lose my nerve. I wish someone would just ask. But here's where it gets complicated. I'm horribly in love with my only friend. I realise a lot of people have been in this situation, I've read a couple accounts on here and they make me feel a little better. My friend, let's call her Susan, is the only friend I managed to maintain from uni. I remember seeing her in the corridor on our first day, I thought she was a lesbian because she had short hair! Bear in mind this was before I'd even heard of Gender Studies let alone taken any classes. I wasn't aware that that was an ignorant stereotype. Either way she made an impression but I never spoke to her much outside of lessons. In my second year I happened to end up in a group presentation with Susan and another girl with whom I have lost contact now but with whom I was good friends. We worked well together and got an excellent grade. I thought of Susan a lot because we got on well but I guess I just put it down to my being surprised and pleased to have actually made a friend. That was still my working-through-things phase so I didn't really dwell on that specific phenomenon. I gave her a Christmas present for no reason other than being grateful that she'd contributed to the presentation. And I just wanted to be nice. We didn't see each other much during the second semester but eventually we went to see a movie around the time where we had to pick our modules for the next year and we decided to pick a few of the same ones. By the start of the next year I'd fully realised my sexuality. Because we had a class together we met up before and we both exchanged Birthday presents as we'd had Birthdays in the holidays. I tend to make presents for people I really like (plus it's cheaper!). She was really pleased and sent me texts thanking me. It was nice to make her happy. And from then on out, my feelings grew more every week until she went away for the holidays and I remember standing in the bus thinking I love her. And that was it. I became a little obsessive but managed to stay largely un-creepy on the face of it because I'm so good at hiding things. My heart danced around whenever she texted me and I never stopped thinking of her. This sounds really silly and, again, clichéd. If I ever hinted anything at her, I was quite good at covering my tracks, making jokes. She understands my humor (and I love making her laugh) so even when I pretend-flirt with her the least I ever get back is a chuckle. Sometimes she plays along. I was pretty sure she's straight, she tends to talk about finding boys hot or she'll point out a cute boy in the street. And she's only ever mentioned ex-boyfriends. But since the last time we spoke I think she might be bi. I can't be sure I guess. Last Sunday I felt great because I convinced myself I would tell her I'm gay but every time we got close to the subject I chickened out. Now I just look like some freak who really likes talking about lesbians. I like taking about lesbians because I AM one! Seriously, the hints must be punching her in the face by now, having accumulated over nearly four years! I've even made numerous sweeping romantic gestures. I'd do anything for her. But I just can't get the words out. Why won't she just ask me? Sometimes I think she can feel it too, on some level. When we went to the fireworks and it was painfully romantic, she sent me a text after thanking me for the evening and saying she was still buzzing. I was too but I didn't tell her. She said she wants close friends she can tell anything to. And stupid me, I could have said 'you've got me. You'll always have me.' but instead I just said that I don't think those kinds of people really exist because I've never met one. I swear she's the mirror image of me sometimes. Just a more perfect version. I write her letters in my head, explaining everything to her. When I'm feeling particularly low they're more like... Well I don't want to sound worse than I am right now. Oh, and she'll be moving away in a few months. I feel like I might die without her. I literally have no one else. Plus there's sort of a time limit because I want to come out to her before she leaves. I feel like she'd understand if I'm not comfortable enough to be open about it or why I don't join an LGBT group. She knows I'm not a people person. I feel like if I came out to my family they'd expect me to do those things when I don't feel like my anxiety would allow me to. I just feel so terrible having kept this from her for so long. It's very exhausting. And I feel like such a child because I've never been able to express myself. I've never even been near anyone in that way. If you've read this far, thanks a lot. I know this is horribly long. I've just been carrying this stuff around with me for such a long time. I thought I was going to explode. But I feel a tiny bit better now. I'd love to hear anybody's comments and advice. I also apologise for any typos. I'm writing this on my phone because I'm embarrassed someone in my family might see what I'm doing if they're in the same room when I'm on the computer.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I'm going through something similar as you and I want to just cry for the crap we're both going through. I hope you get the answer you're looking for. I hope you get that perfect ending. I will say this though for the social anxiety. Try and just do things you wouldn't normally do. Talk to someone you see a lot but never hang out with. Make attempts to be friends with others. I was painfully shy growing up. Once I hit my 20's I got sick of it and decided to screw the anxiety I'm going to talk to people and be social even if I want to pass out from nerves. Once you do it you won't regret it.
First of all, (*hug*) I know how hard crushes can be, I'm currently suffering from one right now. :/ I just wanted to write this to tell you that you aren't alone. I think it would be a good idea to tell Susan that you think you may be gay. You don't have to tell her about your feelings for her if you don't feel comfortable, but I think getting it out there may be really helpful. I know that the more people I've come out to, the more confident I've become with myself.
^^ Thanks both, it means a lot that you replied. I'm thinking now the only way to get it out to her is to just blurt it out, somehow. Otherwise, I'll just be mincing words and it'll be a huge thing. I just want to be able to be normal about it. Like it's not my defining characteristic, which it's starting to feel like recently because it's (she's) all I think about. I feel like once I've got it out to just one person I can start to move on from the angst. It has to be her because she's all I have. I will try very hard to get the words out to her this week. And with the social anxiety - I've been trying very hard this school year to be more interactive in classes and I know I can contribute but as soon as it's on a one to one basis with someone I freeze. I just don't know what to say. If I don't say anything I feel angry at myself, but if I do say something I'm angry because it sounded stupid!!
Not sure if this is the best advice, but if I was in your situation, I would most likely just come out to her as a lesbian, but not reveal that I like her. I think that first step would at least make her aware of that aspect, without a doubt, and things may progress over time or they may not. I would focus on taking one step at a time. It is a particularly tough situation because she is a really good friend and a relationship can complicate a friendship if things don't go right, thus the importance of just taking one step at a time (first, just coming out to her). If she too is a lesbian or at least bi, I would think she would be more likely to discuss it, if she was sure of you as well; but again, be prepared for this not to happen as she talks about guys and only ex-boyfriends. I also have crippling social anxiety. At times I really attribute it to being gay and closeted. I find that the more open I am, in terms of being gay and out of the closet, the better I feel. I have had social anxiety my entire life, but have never realized that all along it may have been due to hiding or not fitting in.
I know it is not as easy as it sounds, but I think you should tell her sometime before she moves away. It is much better to have told her and lost her than to always wonder what might have happened. I doubt she'll even care that you like her, though. Most friends either turn out to like you back or shrug it off. She'll appreciate the honesty.
So here's a little update if anyone's wondering. Last week, on Valentine's Day (I know, I know) I finally did the deed and told her I don't like boys but girls. She actually cornered me after I kind of steered the conversation in that direction. The way she asked was a little forceful but I'm happy she did. What I'm not happy about was the way I handled the situation because of my awkwardness but there's nothing I can do about that now. I wish I could just be cool about it. Anyway, she sent me a text the day after and said that she's glad I shared it with her. And I replied saying that I was sorry I didn't tell her earlier and that it was awkward and that if she has other questions she can ask me when she gets back (she's away for a week or so at the moment). And she didn't write back to that and I haven't heard from her so that's troubling me a bit but I'm trying not to read anything into it and just be positive.
I don't think you should be too worried about it. Different people handle things in different ways. If she texted you and said that she was glad you shared that information with her, I'm sure that's a good sign. When I first came out, I felt worse at first. To be completely honest, I wanted to take it back and hide in my closet again. It will get better, trust me. The first time coming out is always the worst, you're exposing yourself, being competely vulnerable, so give yourself some credit. That was a very brave thing to do! (!)
^^Thanks Yeah I felt pretty weird afterwards. I was all over the shop at the weekend and my anxiety was making me crazy. I also thought maybe it was a bad idea. But I'm doing pretty well now and feel a lot better, so I'm just going to take one day at a time until she comes back and see how it goes
You told her to ask her questions when she gets back, so she's waiting till she gets back. That would be my guess. So don't worry about it.
So I'm kind of fed up again. Since I told her nothing has really changed, and it feels like she's forgotten I even told her. It's infuriating and frustrating. Maybe she just needs reminding but it was kind of a big deal for me and it's a bit hurtful that the situation has possibly regressed. Just felt I had to say that.
