Never done anything like this before, but here goes. I've kind of known I've liked guys for a while now, but I've also found girls attractive, just there was never as strong a pull for girls. I have liked both guys and girls in the past however, and I am currently dating a girl who I care about very much. We've been dating about a year and a half, but we've never done anything sexual because of her religious beliefs, which I respect. When I'm with her, I honestly feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her and feel perfectly happy, and when we make out I get aroused and I have this very strong physical desire to have sex with her, so it's not like I've never had to fake anything with her. But when I'm not with her, guys are on my mind a lot, and I barely think about her. I'm abroad for the semester, and we mutually decided to stay together while I was abroad. However, I'm having second thoughts. I'm really starting to worry that I'm never going to truly discover myself sexually - whether I'm straight, gay, bisexual, bicurious, whatever. I've been thinking about breaking it off with her to explore my sexuality further, whether with girls or guys or both. When we first started dating I thought it wouldn't last all that long, but now I'm starting to conceivably think I could be with her forever, which is exciting - but also scary. I really just want to know what I am, and I feel like the only way I can do that is to be single and ready to mingle (if you pardon the cliche), and I can't do that if this is the girl I'm going to be with forever. I've only ever made out with any girl (this girlfriend has religious values about sex, and the one before just didn't like being touched, plus random hookups). I've even touched a guy intimately, and I've never so much as hinted that I might be into guys to anyone EVER (excluding this). I feel like breaking it off with her would really free me to explore more, especially because there's someone I REALLY like. He is openly gay, but he has no idea how I feel, and he's working on rekindling things with his ex back home (we also live in the same apartment, so I don't know how if it would be the best idea). On the other hand, I do love my girlfriend, and I don't want to break it off and then realize I lost one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Also, like I said, no one knows about this side of me, so it would be simple and easy for everyone (including myself) if I stayed with my girlfriend - coming out would open up a whole can of worms, and I don't want to face that unless I'm absolutely sure of what I am, which I'm not right now. Like I said, I could marry her and be perfectly happy. I'm just really unsure of where to go from here. Any advice would be welcome.
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! You have already taken one of the most difficult steps, and that is starting to 'talk' about some of your conflicting thoughts and feelings about your sexual identity. Pad yourself on the shoulder for that. It's certainly a difficult situation to be in. You are trying to balance your feelings for her, while also trying to figure out what the rest of your feelings mean. From some of the sentences you have written down, it almost sounds like as if you have already made up your mind and are prepared to do what you feel you need to do. When you sit down with yourself, and think about it all, what are your instincts telling you? I would however suggest not to do anything with the openly gay roommate, as this could put you in a potentially awkward situation, as he is trying to rekindle things with his ex, and as you have said he is no idea about your feelings for him, nor that you are questioning your sexual identity. That said, he would be a good person to talk to about your feelings and attractions for guys. He actually would be someone to whom you want to talk to and perhaps get some support. How much do you trust him? Once you get back, I'd suggest that you try talking with your girlfriend and be as honest as open as you can about what's going on within you, and take it from there. You want to be fair to her, and not hiding stuff. One thing to think about is do you need to know exactly what you are at the moment? Not really. You already know that you have an attraction to your open gay roommate, and are wondering about your sexual identity. That is all that you need to know at the moment. (*hug*)
Consider a few things, First of all, dont say "what you are" say "who you are". As a gay man I can tell you that I am not an it, thing, or what, I am a person, who is gay, and was born that way. So while you start to explore yourself more, just allow yourself the privilege to acknowledge that it is not what you are it is who you are that you are getting to know. The other thing is, you said that you could see you spending the rest of your life with this girl, however, you are quite clear on the fact that you are not straight, and you have a clear idea that you lean more in the direction of liking men then women, so I would have to say that for where you are sexually understanding yourself, that is a really common thing to say. Think about it. If you where to stay with this girl, who seems to be ok with not having sex, which doesnt ask a whole lot out of you as far as pushing yourself sexually, then it would be really comfortable staying with this person, but, what you might also consider is that she deserves respect also. If you are staying with this person because you are afraid of who you may or may-not be then you are waisting a lot of her time. It sounds like she is going to wait for the right person, and Im sure that right person for her is going to be someone that is really really excited about having sex. Just some food for thought... Would you be ok if you learned that you were gay or bi? Would your life continue? Would you find happiness? Yes. Yes. And yes. The hard part is figuring everything out, and there are a whole lot of people here willing to bounce ideas back and fourth. If you need anything, personal advice or anything, you can comment on my wall and I can give you whatever advice I can.
