Hi everyone, So I'm 25 years old and work full-time at a university and go to grad school full-time. Recently I have been bi-curious and have been thinking more about dating women... However, when conversations around dating come up among friends and co-workers I find myself reverting to talking about men, for fear of judgement, ridicule and shock. I guess its easier to fit into the norm than to challenge it, especially in a professional setting. I find my friends and coworkers without question revert to "oh he's cute" and jump to conclusions about potential crushes (always men) I may have. It's the usual poking fun, witty banter that happens among friends and co-workers. However, recently I have been having an especially hard time because others constantly assume that I am straight and interested in men. I get it, we live in a hetero-normative society. However, for myself, this idea of dating has shifted to include women. More frequently I can feel myself getting angsty and nervous when these conversations arise and I am becoming increasingly more aware of my thoughts on the subject. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to ease up when this happens? I'd like to be more honest with myself but I am not ready to have this intensely emotional conversation with friends and coworkers. Especially since I can barely make sense of my own thoughts. In fact, I'm starting to find these conversations really upsetting and unsettling. I don't want to abandon either group and I'm not quite sure how to subtlety get my point across... I'm sure others must have gone through some similar experiences. How did you cope and getting by on day to day conversations? For me, every time I hear this, it is a constant reminder of how life would be if I did in fact live my life as a lesbian woman or bisexual woman. This, in and of itself, is reason enough for me to throw in the towel, quit my brief stage of self discovery and revert back to my old (otherwise unquestioned) heterosexual self.
It got easier once I started being honest and telling other people my feelings. That way I knew they wouldn't ask those kinds of things. (I have yet to find someone comfortable enough to ask me what GIRL I find attractive rather than default to avoiding asking but it's all good.) Before that the guilt and secrets consumed me. I hope that helped. <3
Ever since I came out of the closet, everything has been a billion times easier. I can talk openly with all my friends about my feelings, and even joke about being gay. I feel like being gay isn't a big deal, and everyone else seems to think so, too. Don't feel down about yourself! My dad is a law professor, and he has more than a few homosexual colleagues. More and more, the world is changing to accept the LGBT community.
I would stay vague to avoid lying. Bring up past boyfriends I had, what qualities I'm looking for in a person but not appearances. If someone asked if I thought a guy was attractive, I'd say "yeah he's an attractive guy," in a real mild mannered way. (you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them) I was never boy crazy so luckily people never expected that from me. If they asked about marriage or kids I'd stay vague. If they hinted at my sexuality I didn't freak out, I'd play it off. Just not going out of my way to lie or admit anything. :icon_bigg
That is pretty much what I am doing right now... I nervous that if someone asks me flat out however that I will just lie. It's a weird feeling and a strange place to be in.
Honestly, if it's safe and you feel like you can't stand that assumption anymore, you can playfully call someone out on assuming you're 100% straight even without saying that you're considering dating women. Or you can let it go. Yeah, it's sneaky to talk around how you really feel, but if you can make a few queer friends either here or irl, you can blow off the heteronormative steam buildup so to speak. Until you come out if you choose to do so.
I can empathize with a lot of what you said, as I am frequently in similar situations. It's a tough spot to be in. You probably know that the first step is to figure yourself out. Be honest with yourself and take some time for self-reflection. Once you open that window, you can feel a little freer. As for coping mechanisms, I usually stay vague, find the truth in a statement even if it's not what the speaker meant (i.e. Them: "He'd be perfect for you!" Me, thinking: Yes, he'd be a perfect study buddy or an activity buddy), deflect back to friends, shrug and laugh... If anyone asked me outright, I'd probably say, "Well, I'm open to it." It's not being totally forthcoming, but it's not lying either. They can either flip out and reveal their homophobia or they'll simply know me a little better. Of course, after I "came out" to a couple friends a while ago, I reverted back to only mentioning men I find attractive (I still find some attractive in ways; just not interested sexually). My friends seemed to forget I ever said anything in the first place and I just found it "easier" to just go along with it, to be the "same" as them. But it drives me nuts when my friends tell me about a new guy they have their eyes on and I don't even feel comfortable saying, "I met this really awesome girl in class today" or "Wow, that actress is really hot." I guess it just helps to know myself and what I ultimately want while I search for queer friends or an area where I can feel comfortable being completely out. It's rough, but you can make it through all this!
I think everybody who is born in a female body ( like me and you!) is socially expected to be attracted to males, at first. To me, at times and places I wasn't ready to fully come out as being attracted to women, I would just be myself and not make a big deal about it. When a bunch of girls included me in their boy topiced chatter I would wait my rightful turn to speak (when everybody expected me to give my opinion) and I would say it. I would say that I find this one cute for X reason, that one not so much for X reason, and Oh! did you see the cute brunette girl who just walked in? The group of girls would look at each other and shrug, sometimes I'd be asked if I'm bi. The trick is not to make a big deal about it. Keep your insecurities to yourself and show to them, by your attitude, that it's perfectly normal to not be straight, and that they were wrong to expect anybody to be straight in the first place! It works, really.
For me, I usually don't really say anything about men, I just agree with what the other women say. I don't think it's necessarily lying, you don't have to tell them details about your personal life, unless you're really close to them. I don't ever tell people at work, unless they specifically ask me, or tell me they are gay themselves. I've never felt any inclination to come out to people at work, but I know how difficult it can be sometimes!
In my view you should just do two things: one, don't think that you have to have the internal conversation with your coworkers and acquaintances; two, don't try to hide anything. I can tell you that my attempts to hide my sexuality have failed abysmally. I don't even do it anymore. Your questioning, which means this is your sacred time to work on this without any outside pressure. Even though you're feeling thoughts that you have strong same-sex attraction, you don't have to let the thought that others already know cloud your judgment. Others may not know, or they may already know. Who cares? It's about you and what you're feeling.
I'm very open and honest about my feelings for women, but I still find some men attractive. I can appreciate the beauty of a good looking man, but that's all. I find myself feeling like the odd one out sometimes, especially if I'm discussing relationships with my mom & sisters. However, that's only because they cannot relate to how I feel. It's fair game with anyone else, I've hidden my feelings for way too long and I refuse to hide who I am. I'm so vocal that I'm considered one of the guys
Why is it that straight people can't understand that I, for example, can think a guy is cute but I don't want to sleep with him. That is true, feeling the odd man out.. Its annoying but its better to deal with being honest then try to even deal with lying
