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Really confused...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by somerset, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. somerset

    Regular Member

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    Okay, I will try to simplify this the best I can. It's hard to simplify my entire life in a few sentences.

    26 y/o male. I've always been sexually attracted to men, even from a young age. Was introduced to sex at the age of 5 from an older child...this included oral sex and rimming. I realize this person was probably exposed to inappropriate things, but that's another story. That lasted for a summer.

    I enjoyed it. It remained a secret my entire childhood, and I just felt ashamed because of what I heard about gay sex while growing up.

    So, now I'm 26 years old. The only sexual experience I've ever had was receiving oral sex from a random hookup in college. That's it. No more, no less. When I masturbate, it's 90% gay, 10% straight porn.

    I am no doubt attracted to males, but I've never had a good relationship with any male in my life, so emotionally I tend to go for females. This has gotten me many close friendships, but when the time comes to go further, I panic. Sweaty palms, fast breathing, etc. I just can't do it. There's nothing there for me sexually. I've never even KISSED another person.

    Nobody knows (or at least I haven't told) that these are my feelings. I've been single my entire life. My family has never known me to have a relationship. I'm 26 and live alone and never date.

    If I thought "coming out" really would HELP anything, I would consider it. But I don't want a relationship with a male. I don't even want the cuddling before/after sex. I don't find that part appealing with another male. I just fantasize of the act of sex and that's it.

    I'm not the type to have bathroom sex or craigslist with a different person every time, but I don't want anything steady either. So I remain single. I'm kinda an emotionless whore, but I don't want that lifestyle, so I do without altogether.

    I hope this has kind of made sense. :bang:
     
  2. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    This makes perfect sense. I've had many sexual experiences with guys, but like you, the emotional attraction was weak for awhile. It really does take finding that right guy... Hard to find, but he's out there. Similar to you, I was emotionally attracted to females, but just not sexually. I eventually relaxed and calmed myself down about sexual interaction with a girl, but it's just not my thing. Craigslist isn't a good idea. There's a site which is dedicated to gay fitness but also a great source for meeting guys for various reasons -- friendship, work out advice, hookups, relationships, etc.
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    ^ I've edited out the name of the web site...

    Hi Somerset! Welcome to EC! And you remind me to some extent of me when I was 26. I hadn't really dated, hadn't had sex. But I hadn't yet come to realize that I was into guys - even though I also was watching gay porn.

    Later - in my mid 30s - I knew that I had a physical attraction to guys, and I acted on that. But I also couldn't really see myself in a relationship with one. In then end though, I am in a relationship - we got married a year and a half ago.

    What you might be dealing with is still that shame that you accumulated while growing up. If you were totally OK with being gay, then you'd be OK with intimacy (physical and emotional) with guys, just as you believe you should be OK with it with women. This is a a result of societal conditioning that we are all subjected to.

    We need to overcome that initial thought that being gay is wrong. That being seen holding hands with a guy is wrong. Being emotionally vulnerable with a guy is wrong. Because it's all crap.

    What you'll find is that the better you can feel about being gay, the more accepting you'll become with the thought of a relationship with a guy. This takes time - it won't happen over night. But if you work at it, I bet you'll come around. It's a process.

    I think coming out WOULD help. Because to come out, you need to be positive about being gay. You need to feel good about it. Coming out is a form of you saying to the world "I'm gay and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm OK and if I want to love/be attracted to/have sex with another man, that's my business." It requires that you be convinced of that fact - and I'm not sure you are at the moment.

    Certainly the guy has an influence over how you feel about him emotionally. But I would think that if you let go a little, opened up to the possibility, and tried to envision yourself in a relationship with a guy without judging yourself at all, I bet you would eventually be able to see it. It sounds like you don't want to live your life alone, and that's good. We're not intended to live our lives in solitude. Women don't cut it for you, so it's going to be a guy that you end up with. Get used to the idea. Let it grow on you. It really is quite wonderful.

    Again - welcome to EC!
     
  4. somerset

    Regular Member

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    Thanks for the replies. And I think you're right. I've had this negative view of homosexuality around me my entire life. I live in the rural south. I grew up in church hearing that gays would burn in hell. I remember reading a handout in church one time that stated that "having homosexual thoughts is not necessarily a damning thing, but acting on them is." Even though now as an adult I am an atheist, I have never forgotten those words, and I've kind of based my life on that.

    I'm just at the point of weighing the positive and negative effects of coming out, and I can't see the overall benefit at this point. Even if I was out, I still don't know where or how to meet people my age. I was at university for 4 years and only had one encounter.

    I really think I've got it in the back of my mind that I'm "not allowed" to have those feelings, despite the fact of having those physical attractions to other men.

    But I'm to the point of accepting it personally. It's just a big, big step to tell everyone. But this isn't something that's "new." I've always had these feelings and knew something was up, even when I was a young child.

    It's just so difficult. :bang:

    Thanks again.