It has been several months of my mum knowing about my sexuality issues and my gender identity, and she always said she was fine with it. But recently things have changed. I need your opinion on something; In every recent conversation about it, my mum tells my that I cannot act the gender I am until I can afford to change my sex to go with it. She calls me "narcissistic" and "self-centred" whenever I mention it, and tells me that I just need to learn to live with it. She refuses to believe the I find it hard to cope with. I would love any ideas on what I can do. Yours Sincerely, Rebecca.
It sounds to me like she wanted to be fine with it and support you, but now have gotten into a bit of panic. It happens, and unfortunately people tend to deal with fear and uncertainty with anger and blame. I have a "how to make mother stop being unreasonable" strategy that I used when I lived at home. Have you asked her how she feels about it, in a calm way, and told her that you do care about how she feels? Just try that once, without mentioning your feelings (sometimes, unfortunately, we have to be nicer and more reasonable than our parents, in order to bring down their defensive walls a little). Tell her it`s okay that she`s not happy about how things are right now, and that you understand how difficult it must be for her. Trust me, this kind of opposite view psychology sometimes helps. It is a lot harder for her to act angry and unempathic, when she is met with empathy and understanding. Sometimes we have to give some to get some. And I know, you are the one with the pain and the feelings of unacceptance, and I get that you might not really feel like being too nice to her. I had issues with my mother on completely different matters, but I got some good advice from my therapist which helped a lot, despite me not being too keen on following them. When you ask her about these things, try not to say anything about how you feel. When it`s over, give her a hug and leave the room. With her defences down a bit, she should have a few minutes to go over it in her head, and hopefully get slightly guilty about how she has been ignoring your feelings, and how you have felt. If you can find any information about how early transitioning is easier on the individual, physically and mentally, possibly online or at a health station, that would be very useful. You can leave it somewhere in the house, where you know she`ll see it (after above mentioned conversation). Not mention it or anything, just let it "mull over" a bit. Then take a few weeks, or a month, just letting it show how you feel. If she asks how you feel, tell her the truth. Not so great. You are struggling with pretending to be ok. This is just one strategy you can try. Remember, parents aren`t perfect, and one day the choice will be yours completely. Keep your grades up, even though it`s hard, focus on what you want to do with the rest of your life, what kind of job will you have, how will you get it. Then you can have the finances to do whatever you want. And when you move out (I assume you still live at home) you be yourself, without needing to hide. And try to keep the conversations with your mother blame-free, from your side. If you get angry, she gets defensive. Try not to accuse her of anything. I know it must be so frustrating! We`re here for you though! (*hug*)
My mom went through the same thing after I told her I wanted to transition after coming out. She told me that estrogen would cost thousands of dollars a month--I'm still not sure where she got that from. Under my health insurance, I don't pay a dime for my estrogen and testosterone blocker. She said I should wait until after I got done with school and transition after I had been at a job for a few years. Her plan basically entailed waiting for nearly half a decade. No way! I got so upset with her and I don't think she understood why and still doesn't.
