Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for three years, we are both in out forties. He has never been married and I am divorced with two children. He has been is three long term relationships with women before me and has been hurt in every relationship.Our relationship has suffered many ups and downs and things have been more down that up in the past year. We broke up last year because he siad I was 'pushy' this been due to my wanting to talk about our future. We got back together but I was devasted to learn that he was on several dating sites describing himself as single. He apologised and just siad he was being stupid and nothing ever happened, it was an unreal world to him and that he would never have initiated contact. Things were a little strained and I told hin that I was going to be on my guard as I felt betrayed. Things got back to normal but our sex life was not the same he didnt seem to be interested, he said it was becasuse he was tired etc. We dont live together and he works away 2/3 weeks at a time and I work away from home returning most weekends. Whilst he was away (this was three weeks ago) he had no internet access and was awaiting an important email so asked me to check his email account. I never had access to his password as he was always very secretive about it. So I checked his emails and yes I snooped. I found a couple of dating sites which had his username etc. I logged into one of them which was a site for Gays, Bi Sexuals, 3 sums etc. I was totally shocked at what I found. He has a profile of himself (no photo) with a picture of his penis. He had contacted men and Ihad record of the chats with the men which was explicit saying what he wanted to do to them and how he was aroused. In addition he was also showing himself on Webcam and masturbating. Iconfronted hin and yes I was angry I said I would contact his friends etc and he immediately deleted his facebook account and told me not to do anything. I wouldnt because I love him. We have tried to talk and he says he hates gays. I dont know why he would say this because why would you hate someone for who they are. Ive asked if he is Bi and he syas no, but he cant explain things. He is now not talking to me and seems to be in a bad way. Please can someone help me help him. I love him terribly.
From what you've said I highly doubt he's completely straight. He could be bi, maybe gay. Only he could tell you that for sure, but either way it sounds like he's having trouble accepting himself. It's understandable that having this secret exposed has rattled him. All you can do is let him know that you love him and that you'll be there to support him no matter what. Be patient and understanding, try to keep the line of communication open. The rest is up to him.
I agree with everything Nepenthe said. You absolutely cannot change his sexuality, no matter what it is, and unfortunately you'll just have to wait for him to accept who he is. As Nepenthe said, all you can do is let him know that you love him and that you'll be there to support him no matter what. Be patient and understanding, try to keep the line of communication open.
The "I hate gays" part is a giveaway for me. I think anyone who does what he did and says these kinds of things isn't totally straight. I think it's best to say that, because he could be a number of things.
Hi, Thanks for the response and I guess it answers that which I suspect that he is Bi or gay or is in denial. I tried reaching out to him and asked him to look long and hard at his actions and that I would still love and support him. I do not want to vilify him. The action of which he has ended the relationship and wont entertain the idea he may by Bi. He has removed all evidence of emails to the on line sites and closed accounts but this to me is like putting a plaster over an open wound. My situation is now that he is rebuffing my offer of support he is trying to blame me. His recent email said he was sick of the battles between us; such battles due to his addiction to the online sites and latterly the discovery of the explicit chats to men. Whilst my brain tells me to run and I have so much emotion; betrayal, anger, confusion, I put that aside in order to reach out to him, to no avail. He in turn has ended the relationship, so he is now on his own. I in turn cant beleive anything he said, Im unsure if he ever met anyone and had unprotected sex as his lies are just abundant. So I will have to get myself checked out and i hope that this is negative. I know he has a lot of issues stemming from his parents divorce when he was young and the subsequent break up of relationships. I think all I have to do now is step away and concentrate on me. I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped or is in denial. My only hope is he seeks help support and therapy for the underlining issues he has, and then with that the acceptance he is Bi or even Gay. Thanks for the responses. Lori
Lori, When I had a similar experience, I was in the similar position of your former boyfriend on cheating with my current fiance right? I can almost tell you without any doubts in my mind that he had sex especially with two-three weeks away that you should have suspected right away of this and got tested immediately no waited. You shouldn't have SEX even and most importantly Make-Up Sex or its equivalent. I suspect that the temporary breakup like mine with my fiance a few years back just gave him a reason to excellerate his desire of being with a man or maybe he had been with a man for a long time. What needs to happen now is as you said focus on youself. I would get tested pronto without any hesitation and perhaps mention that he should get tested for your health; if not his own health. He needs obvious mental health counseling like I'm attemptinto get. He is probably bisexual or perhaps gay like me so I would only be his friend for now on. Knowing all of this and this might sound offensive but I don'ttrust former people like me being bisexual. Lastly, I don't mean to offend anybody but many bisexual people who I met and known are unstable individuals who can't decide what they want and that you shouldn't date such people. In a wrap up, I'd only be at best his friend for now on. You might need to get some counseling yourself cause of this whole ordeal. Its good to talk about it with someone you know to liek a close friend or something. I know females tend to be anxious or denial of these problems but you need to recover to. I wish you all of the luck in the world but if you want just post on my wall okay? hugs, Peter
Hi Lori, One thing you might consider is to refer him here to Empty Closets. A lot of people just like him sort through their sexuality on this forum. Also: Bisexuality is real. However, it can be very difficult to tell whether someone is gay or bisexual when they are closeted and have not fully accepted themselves. Denial is very powerful, and will play tricks on people's minds. Regardless of his sexuality, it's wrong for him to seek other partners while he says he's being monogamous with you.
Hi, Ive read the responses; thanks so very much. I spoke to the ex for an hour today, he rang and ended up talking about how he is feeling and Im totally exhausted. He remains in denial regarding his sexuality and I guess the phone call to me was one of panic, to placate me. I think he may be afraid that I will divuldge what I know. This is not the case as whilst i feel betrayed the whole women scorned issue does not exist with me. He will be suffering enough and hopefully in time he will accept himself. Off to GP tomorrow to get tested, totally numb at that prosepct. The ex assures me I have nothing to worry about; however, where so many lies are bound one cannot accept what he says is the truth. Heres hoping everything is ok with the tests. I was brought up to believe that we are all equal. my parents instilled in me that you should never judge and accept people for who they are regardless of age, colour, gender or sexual orientation. Within this I believe; To thy own self be true. Lori
