I've known I am a lesbian since I was 12 years old. I grew up going to a very conservative Baptist church, so I've spent most of my life believing that I am the worst kind of human being because I am attracted to women. I tried to come out to my closest friends (which at the time was my youth group at church) when I was 15 but after seeing the look of disgust on my youth pastor and pastor's faces, I immediately recanted, stating that once I said it out loud the Lord took it away. Huge lie, but I couldn't stand knowing that I would see that look for the rest of my life if I actually told the truth. I've spent the last 10 years hating myself and trying so hard to be attracted to men. I've developed feelings for a couple guys but I never had any sexual attraction toward any of them, it was just a cover so my friends and family could see that I was normal. A few months ago I had my first sexual experience. It was with a man, and the whole time I felt like it was all a lie. I was severely uncomfortable and I just kept wishing for it to be over. After really thinking about it, I decided that I was done trying to pretend that I was straight. So now I want to come out, but I'm still terrified. Not only that, but I got to a very conservative Baptist college (I tried soo hard to pray the gay away), and I could get kicked out if I came out. I graduate in May, but it's killing me keeping it a secret. So I have to wait a few months before I can come out, so I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice on the best way to do it?
Wow, I am really sorry, it seems like you've had a tough life. Jeez. Well, I feel bad. What is your question? How to wait a couple months, or how to come out now? After reading your post, and seeing the precarious position you are in at your university, I would advise you NOT to come out until after you graduate. It would be a big shame if they kicked you out, and I know you can handle a couple more months until graduation. Wow, I am really sorry.
I know I want to wait until after I graduate, but I figured in the time I have until then I could think of ways to come out to my friends and family. While I know that I have a couple of friends that will be supportive, I just don't know how my family is going to react, and I want to prepare myself as much as I can for their reactions. So I guess I am wanting advice on how to come out.
Only you can really figure out how to come out to them. Just don't do it in a hostile way such as during a fight, like some people do. If you want to organize your thoughts, you can write a letter to the person. You don't have to give it to them, but it really helps you figure out what direction you want to take with them. Above all, make sure you come out for yourself, and not for anyone's approval. Stay strong, and if they can't accept you, then you are better off without them and their dark world of bigoted/religious hate. There is a whole world of caring and accepting people, and make sure that's the world you're in.
The truth is that I don't know if I can every truly accept that this is who I am, and I hate that. I hate that all I can think about is the scriptures that I was taught since I was a little girl telling me that it's wrong, that God hates homosexuality. Does that ever go away? Will I ever get to the point where I stop hating myself because of this?
It is really difficult practically impossible to comfort LGBT people raised in your religion without implying that it's false, so the best I can tell you is not to be afraid to question it. Those scriptures were not written by God, they were written by homophobic bigots who for some reason thought they were right. Don't be afraid to question your religion as a whole, either. Just because you were raised that way and your parents told you it was true does not make it true. There are so many other religions and beliefs in the world that, objectively speaking, what are the odds that everything taught to you is exactly right? I'm probably overstepping my bounds here, but to be honest the only way you can be comfortable with a religion and being gay is modifying your beliefs, and rejecting the bigotry that's been taught to you.
