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Phone call confusing from ex-stepfather...sort of its complicated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TKM, Feb 6, 2013.

  1. TKM

    TKM
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    Okay so first let's start with a short(long) backstory:
    When I was little my father died and about 4 years later my mom started seriously dating a new guy, I met him for the first time when I was four(that's how long I've known him) my sister was about 12, she hated their relationship and wouldn't talk to the boyfriend. I loved him he was like a father, my mom got engaged about 4 years later and they built a house, all the way on the other side of the city, my sister hated this because it required us to move. My mom broke up with him. Up untill I was 12 I always blamed my sister for ruining the chance I had to finally have a dad, then the truth started spilling out of people (he does drugs, he refused to quit, he was selfish, he hated my sister) learning this killed me and I never believed anyone. Over the years I've realized these things are true I'm still in contact with him he calls on occasion and comes and we go out, when I'm waiting to leave his place to go home he smokes and uses fabreeze to hide the smell it doesn't work and he thinks I dont know (I really don't care if he smokes anyways), I also saw a text message (okay yes, I was snooping) my mom sent him a text saying to fabreeze the place and stop whatever he was doing because she has her college student dropping me off and she knows what that stuff smells like. I don't blame my sister anymore I realize there were definitely more things going on. So fast forward to today and I see him probably every month, today he calls me out of blue(usually he calls my mother first) and I think he was kind of drunk, he explains to me that he loves me like usual but then he went on explaining how I've had a hard life, he understands and he wants me to know I can go and talk to him about anything(his ex wife just died which probably prompted this call) then he says " I love you know matter what, you know that, if you ever want to talk to me about relationships with boys...or girls(I was completely silent and just said ill come to you don't worry) then he just kept saying how much he loves me, and otherthings that happened in the past(not much I want to get into), and he thinks of me like a daughter. I'm just confused especially with the boys...girls, thing what's going on? At is point in my life I'm not sure if I want to continue a relationship with him... (i used to be overweight and i recently lost like 20pounds and grew about 3inches, and so he constantly reminds me to keep watching my weight, and joke about it, he just says things that are verbally abusive, I don't think he realizes it though) after this call idk... What do you think?
     
  2. Furmanuel

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Well, I'll put it this way.
    My parents divorced when I was 7. And I, too, know what it's like to grow up without a real father. My father isn't a role model. He smoked (quit after 3 years), he had other terrible habits. But the thing is, I still love him, no matter what. He gives me crappy advice, but I usually take it anyways because he's my dad and I trust him.
    What this sounds like is that your ex-stepfather loves you. He really sounds like he cares about you. Don't be afraid to tell him what you like. I don't think he was hinting on knowing that you're lesbian, rather trying to be general and encompassing any problem you might have.
    This is your lifeline. It's your choice to love him back. Remember this, though. No matter what, love is blind. If you're going to love him, you have to see the heart past all the bad stuff. He is someone that you can trust, and talk to, and I'm sure that he wouldn't tell a single thing about you to everyone else. He can be a person you ask for advice from. But the choice to trust him is yours.
    When my parents divorced, I was torn over who to trust, over who was right and wrong. It turned out to be my father's fault, but I still love him. I talk to him about a lot, but not everything.
    It's this kind of thing that I don't have. My current stepfather isn't close to me at all. I even call him by his first name. In my life, I have no one to talk to. I haven't told any adults that I'm gay. I'm not sure if I plan on it. But if I do, then the first person I would tell is my father. I know that I can trust him and no one will replace him.

    So what I guess I'm trying to say is this: Your ex-stepfather is reaching out to you. If you want him as someone to talk to, then grab his hand. But if you can't bring yourself to love and trust him, then you should tell him thanks, forget about him, and move on.

    Hope this helps.

    -E.F.
     
  3. KTWK

    Regular Member

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    I would not throw this relationship away. He sounds like a decent man trying to be there for you. You forgot to tell us whether or not you've come out to him - if not, then this seems like an amazing opportunity to do so, and if you have, then it's great that he's supportive of you.

    Maybe I'm missing something, but the call he made to you seems really sweet. I would be honored if someone said that to me.

    I've never had a good father figure in my life, my step-father was very abusive and caused me to run away to my real father, which is when I learned the ugly truths about him from his step-children and family. I think you should cherish what you have with him, and take up his offer as someone to lean on, to help and support you through growing up as a lesbian.