Afraid to Open Up...

This is my first post here, but I've been reading a lot of posts around here, including stickies and just thought I'd post something that I just really need help with.

Ok, so like a lot of kids, I haven't come out to my mom because I'm afraid of how she'd react. However, in a lot of ways, my case is different then most.

My mom is a minister in training. My dad passed away 5 years ago, and she really hasn't been the same since, extremely protective of me. My brother passed away before I was born, so I think it has to be the fact that I'm the last guy in her life, as she's from Germany, and she really doesn't have anything left in the US except me and my sisters... My sister is also dating someone online, who me and her have visited about 800 miles away twice now, he has a terminal illness, and is stuck in a bed all day, so my mom doesn't approve with that, and my other sister just has a lot of problems, stimming from her work with the mentally ill.

I have 2 families who I consider part of my family, as do my mom and sisters, but they also go to church every day, and always make gay jokes, and just put down people who are gay all the time, and talking behind them behind their backs. This includes my own family.

Ever since my dad died, I've held everything inside, everything. This has caused me a lot of problems, such as gaining a tremendous amount of weight, and my immune system even shut down at a certain point (at least that's what the doctor said happened), to the point I'm just now getting over that, but I barely graduated high school due to it. On top of my weight now, I have something called Bells Palsy, which I've had almost 2 years now, in which the right side of my face is paralyzed. This has caused me massive self confidence issues.

Anyways, lately I've been crying randomly during the day (the last time I cried like I have the past few days is when my dad died, I stopped crying after that, except when I was denied access to our senior trip), and this is making me realize something has to change. I have 7 friends who know I'm gay, and they're all perfectly fine and supportive (2 of them are homosexual themselves), but most of them have jobs, or moved away, so I don't really get to talk to them, so of course, holding it in again is just getting to me worse then before, like I said, I'm crying randomly, and other things I'd rather not get into. My 19th birthday is in 17 days, and I haven't even had my first kiss yet, which all my friends think is pathetic, even if I couldn't date, which doesn't really help with my self confidence :/

I'm beginning to wonder if I should tell my mom I'm gay and just hope her love for me outweighs her belief that gays belong in hell. (Yes, she has physically said all gay people should burn in hell before) The problem is, if she kicks me out, I'm on the street, I have no job, and no friends who I would feel comfortable living with without being able to pay rent. I've tried finding a job, but I'm just having no luck due to my absences in high school (from being sick all the time). Lately, I've considered telling the 2 women I consider second and third moms, the moms of the 2 families I mentioned before. They've always been supportive, and heck, one of them dyed part of my hair pink for me.

I just don't know what to do, my mom still thinks I'm suffering from depression due to my dad passing away, but it's really what I just explained. She tried to get me put on anti depressants at one point, but I refused, I've had friends who attempted suicide due to anti depressants, and although I would never do that, there's no telling what would happen if I took mood changing pills :/ She also thinks I've never had a girlfriend because I'm overweight, which should tell you a bit about how she is... (I had multiple girls ask me out after getting to know me, I just didn't tell her :/). Anyways, didn't really want to write this much, but I just needed to say it somewhere, and if I put it on myspace, my mom will find out, as she's on it, same with some of her friends...

Anyone happen to have any advice that might help in my situation?

 

Yea, I have a habit of splurging out things when typing... Don't know why :/

I've been outside my comfort zone multiple times in the past, but then someone says something, and pushes me back inside :/

 

Yea, that's why I haven't told her, I want to have a steady job and preferably be on my own (or with a friend, as my lesbian friend said she might want to room with me when I have a steady job, as she still needs to find one too) before I come out to her.

My main problem with Amber and Jolene (2nd and 3rd moms) is that they're very close friends with my mom, they say I can talk to them whenever and such, and even though I've known Jolene 14 years and Amber 8, it's still scary thinking they might tell my mom.

I did go to a therapist, but the only way they would talk to me is if my sister was with me, due to time restraints, but it turned out being good I didn't talk to her, as the therapist later told my sister she was a lost cause and belonged in a mental hospital, which was the end of any ideas of going to a counselor or such for our family.

In regards to high school counselors, they messed with me in so many ways it's not funny, they screwed with my grades all the time, put me in classes I had allergies to, (Wood dust in woodshop, etc). So yea, not the best track record with counselors and therapists :?

 

I'm not quite sure, Jolene considers me her son, as with my sisters her daughters, but I just don't know, in reality, I think it'd just hurt them to hide something from my mom...

And I can't tell my sisters, as they'd just blackmail me for any money I get or such -.-

 

Not the best way to do it... but I saw Amber online on myspace... so I sent her a message asking if I could trust her not to tell my mom, and she said she would never betray my trust, as she knows how much it is to have someone to talk to, so the next message I told her... waiting for her response now... I also told her how I consider her family part of mine, which I had never told her before when I thought about it...

 

I'll quote it...

Why does everyone say they already knew, my mom seriously has no idea, so I'm just completely shocked when people say that >_< I'm not girly in the least bit :/ Either way, I'm just glad it went fine, oddly, even though I didn't tell my mom, I just feel like this huge weight was lifted...

Hopefully this helps me, I will wait a bit to tell Jolene though, just because of the gay jokes I keep hearing when at their house, but letting one of them know before my birthday makes me feel good, just because I'm having a party with our families at Amber's house for my birthday and her 10 or 11 year old sons bday, who's is 5 days after mine XD

I swear, an hour on here, and you convinced me to do something I've been trying to get myself to do for months...

 

Thanks

Just put it on myspace... it was just changing it to No Answer to Gay, but by tomorrow, I should have a few people asking me... including Jolene... Possibly even my mom :/ but Amber has a spare room, and she's hinted that she'd let me stay if worse comes to worse.

 

So... I woke up tonight, grabbed dinner like usual, (which turned out to be bad for me... I seem to have caught the stomach flu or something :/), as I was in the bathroom shortly after eating >_<

Anyways, My mom started talking to me, so I wondered if she had read it or not, then about 5 min later she was like "I have to ask you something. I was on your page this morning..." and I said "Yea, yea, yea..." and she started talking about why I wouldn't have told her, and that my sexual orientation had no effect on how much love she has for me, and then she asked why would I think that.

I proceeded to tell her to think about what she says about gay people on TV and such, and other comments she makes. She said that she always makes comments about the gay people on TV because they're always SAYING that they're gay, over and over, which I really don't see, but I guess she does. And she says other comments tend to be when she's mad, so I can understand that I guess...

My sister Steph messaged me on myspace warning me mom was going to talk to me, and saying that she's supportive of anything I decide, and haven't talked to my sister Kim yet... I told amber she could tell Jolene to look at my page and say she "noticed" it if she wanted, so she did, and instead of following ambers advice of asking me in a message, she called my mom to talk to me, but of course, I was asleep, so Jolene told my mom to look at my page. Turns out it was a good thing, but I still don't know how Jolene will react when I actually talk to her next time... Amber and my mom both commented on some of the jokes she makes saying she was brought up very prejudice, and I shouldn't really take offense to them, but of course, I do on occasion. For instance, last time I was over there, her husband and his friend made 58 gay jokes in 30 min... after the 40th, I got fed up and told them to stop stereotyping -.- That caused a lot of tension, but they still didn't know :/

Anyways, hopefully jolene and her family take it well, as well as Amber's family... my family seems fine (Kim has gay friends, no reason she wouldn't be ok with it). In fact, like a minute after my mom asked me, it was as if I had asked for her to pass the salt figuratively or such :/ Posting a bulletin on myspace to let my friends who don't know know, because the only reason I was keeping it in was because of my mom, so now I could care less who knows.