Hello there everyone! To start things off, I'm a 17 year old boy who has been attracted to men since I was very little. The lot of paragraphs below is basically explaining my gay experience "life" thus far, from lust to love, without going into detail.If you don't want to read, just skip all the way down to the "TL;DR," read my situation and if you have any advice throw it my way. Thanks! I'll start off my story: When I was around the ages of 5-7, I've "fooled" around with 3 guys and 1 girls. (lol asking to go to the bathroom during reccess) With 1 guy and the girl, we'd kiss for a good while. With another guy he'd fool around with my penis, and the last guy we'd stick our thumbs up each others bums and kiss sometimes. I know, so weird for little kids doing this, right? lol Anyway, I've always noticed myself to be more attracted to guys; kids around my age at the time, and even some of my male teachers. Now of course I had no idea that this meant that I was gay, or anything of the sort. Enterring middle school, grade 7, I tried to pursue a romantic relationship with 2 different girls, both of which didn't work out. I'd also like to add that I've been watching lesbian porn, not gay porn. So, for the most part of grade 7, I never really thought about guys in a romantic way, just in a sexual way. For girls, I'd think about them in a romantic way, but not really sexual. Enterring grade 8, I became a lot more "gay" as one would say I guess lol.I started watching gay porn and I became close to a guy friend who too is gay, and of course, was madly in-love with another guy who claims to be straight. Anywho, I became rather close to this gay friend and that's when my gay started to overcome me. I was INCREDIBLY attracted to him and felt at the time that I was in love with him. I mean, when he would just touch my arm, or hand I'd get like an instant boner. Anyway, during grade 8 he nor anyone else knew I was gay. Me and him were just incredibly close; best friends even. We'd always hang out and people would label us a package deal. Sadly though throughout the entire year he was still into this other guy. Oh well. Grade 8 graduation came and after the graduation and little after party, me and the gay friend guy went off on our home. At the time I wanted to badly just tell him that I was gay and hopefully get some action. (Warning: Awkward moment about to happen) So, me and him went to somewhere secluded and we were just hanging out like we normally do: talking about grade high school, when we're going to hang out in the summer, etc. So somehow the conversation of this guy that Gay Friend 'loves' comes up and Gay Friend wants me to talk dirty about him and the guy he likes. So, I do that, but as I do I'm inching my way closer to him. Nothing happened, thankfully, and we both just went home. The next day, Gay Friend wanted to confess his feelings to this guy, so like any best friend would do I went with him when he asked me too. We went up to his apartment floor and waited (lol i know creepy) and when he finally came, Gay Friend went to him. He chickened out thought. Gay Friend told me though at the time that he did tell him, and the crush said they would talk about it. Gay Friend seemed so happy, so I felt like I had to distant myself from him because I felt so in love with him. Grade 9 starts, and during the summer I've pretty much dodged all attempts when he wanted to hang out just us two, because I really needed to get over him. I'd still see him when we would all hang out as a group. Anyway, grade 9 starts and me and him ultimately start off where we left off: we became incredibly close again. urgh. Anyway, he was still in love with this straight guy, all the while my feelings for Gay Friend developed more and more. Anyway, me and Gay Friend started to fight quite a lot about the smallest things. Like, we'd have a fight, not talking for like a day or less, make up and act like normal. We pretty much did this for the entire grade 9 year. We even had fights in which we'd yell at each other so loud in the hallways to the point of teachers having to break it up. (Just like Ronnie and Sammi's fights in Jersey Shore) We'd always make up, and I felt all the more closer to him. During grade 9, I had made a stupid, stupid, stupid mistake to try and shoplift over a like $3 choclate bar. How dumb, right? Of course I got caught and arrested. I had been waiting in the back room for 2 hours total as the police officers came and did all that registering me in the system stuff, and all the while I was just dying to go to Gay Friend and just cry in his arms. Of course I didn't because he doesn't feel the same for me. So, I just called him real quick, went home and ignored my phone from other friends and him specifically. Yes, I was crying like a bitch the entire night. Don't shoplift guys! Anyway, the whole shop lifting orrdeal was when I truely realized that I was Gay! I was just thinking too myself that night when I was alone crying how much I wanted to be in his arms, and I realized "Oh, I'm gay." After a week or so, I told him that I was gay, and he said he pretty much knew that I was gay, but that I liked him! of course I denied it lol. Because he knew how I felt about him, he purposely did stuff to me such as exposing my personal stuff I'd tell him, ignore me, etc. I believe he did that just to try to get me to not like him so much. Of course though the asshole, after he did those things to me, he'd pull me back in and of course I forgave him, each and every week for 14 weeks straight. End of grade 9 comes, and I realized that I spent my entire year chasing after a guy that didn't want any romantic relations with me. I felt like such an idiot. Total of two years after this damn guy! urgh. So during the summer of grade 9, I legit ignored the shit out of him. I never responded to his text messages, phone calls, etc. At the time I thought he was an asshole doing all that shit to me: I came to the conclusion that he did all that to push me away in grade 10. So grade 10 starts, and I see him in school. He makes several attempts to talk to me, but I just flat out ignore him, and continue to do so till this day. I don't even look at him. He tries coming up to me at my locker: I leave. He tries stopping me in the halls, I walk past him. However, I heard that he was talking mad shit about me and my friends that he wasn't hanging out with us because we were being homophobic to him. Oh hell no. I confronted his ass and he apologized, but the damage was done. I forgave him, but I continued to ignore him even though he asked me to just be friends, not close. I knew I wouldn't be able to and I'd quickly get feelings for him again; 2 years of my life was enough. Rest of grade 10 I spent it being completely depressed.. I didn't want to talk to ANYONE about anything personal. I never, to this day even, grew a close connection to any of my friends. I spent my grade 10 year being so depressed and confused. I just missed having someone close to me, not Gay Friend particularly, just someone. So ya, grade 11 rolls around (right now, started in September 2012) and I still don't have any close, close friend to me and I don't talk about myself to anyone. I recently, like 2/3 months ago came to the conclusion that I want to tell people I'm gay, and possibly have that spark a potential romance with another guy. I've been debating with myself a few times a week whether or not I'll finally come out, because I feel being in the closest is really making me depressed. Plus, I wouldn't have to refrain myself or be worried of someone seeing me when I stare at one of the many hot guys in my school when they are bending over, or have a nice bulge. TL;DR I'm relatively sure that my brother knows I'm gay. Like 85% sure he does. My mom was saying a few weeks back how happy she was that both of her male kids are straight. I then went on saying how what would the difference be. She responded with that she wanted grand children from both of us. I then explained that gay/lesbian couples can adopt and have a kid, but she thinks it isn't the same. Don't get me wrong, she isn't homophobic. Well, maybe a little. She said seeing two guys kiss is disgusting, but two girls is some what okay. My dad on the other hand, is incredibly, incredibly homophobic. I mean for real, he has a burning passion of hatred for all gays. He is very, very religious so that's mostly why. I feel like telling my friends and coming out at school would be so much easier, but thinking about it is weird. At first I really want to, but then soon after think no to myself. I just don't want to read the many of storiers of gay guys that say they wish they came out in high school so they didn't have to pretend to be someone different. I read many "How to come out" guides, so to speak, and while very helpful, it doesn't really give me my boost to do so. I don't know, I want to, but I guess I'm too afraid to do so.
I would recommend starting with the friend or friends you trust the most, and seeing how you feel. You'll often find that this is enough, especially in high school. Another approach you can take is the one that myself and many others use. Just act yourself and be honest! You don't have to go screaming to the world you're gay or walk around with rainbow flags, just be yourself, don't try to act especially straight or cover up anything, and if anyone honestly asks you if you're gay, just be honest and tell them. They're the ones asking.
Find people who you feel you can trust and will support you, build you're self a good safety net just in case the worst happens if you tell you're parents, building more support really lessens the load for you too, just telling one person has made me pretty happy i'm not as stressed and that's just 1 really supportive person, you can try visiting you're local LGBTQ friendly centers or PFLAG meetings, or talk to a school councilor.
I hope writing that all out helped you see who you really are! Its very powerful to write about things so personal and intimate. And thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. Sounds like you're ready to come out and live out. That's fantastic! To me, it makes sense to come out to people who'll have your back... and be there for you, not only as out at school, also for when you come out to your family. Whatever you do, go with your gut and your head. Be sure you'll be safe. There's someone I want to come out to who has been part of my life for many years, I know she would get me. However, she blabs to everyone, and that would piss me off. So she's off the list.
