When I was in middle school and throughout high school, for some reason, everyone seemed to think I was gay. I don't know why. I never had any close friends or any relationship with anyone. I also suffered a lot of sexual harassment both verbally and physically. I wish I can forgive and forget but I can't. Why forgive when you can't forget? It still hurts just as worse. And so, in order to survive emotionally or at all, I had to basicly shut myself down. I heard about it before, I believe it's a kind of defense mechanism. You have no control over what happens to you, and I know control is an illusion, still, I had to keep from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense.:dead: And so, this damaged me, long term i'm afraid. As a child you just have to do the best you can. But years of being lonely and bored has caused me to become depressed for a while. It's true what they say about loosing interest in things you onced loved, it was art for me. I couldn't bring myself to produce anything because that voice in the back of my mind kept on and on about being a god-level perfectionist. You just can't be a perfectionist if you want to create art, because you'll never get anything done. But I just can't help it now. I made a new years resolution to just stop over thinking myself into oblivion and just let go, no matter how impossible that sounded. I know that most people don't believe in astrology or whatever, but i'm a pisces goat. I've always wondered if my bisexuality had anything to do with my sign. I just don't want anyone to know because I think I've had my fair share of sexual harassment and bullying. I'd get called all sorts of names, oh I just don't want to think about it now. So yeah, I feel like an alien from another planet sometimes. Any words of wisdom? ... Sorry if none of this makes any sense :eek: I lack social skills. :rolle:
I know exactly the coping mechanism you described. It's the one I used forever before I switched to more harmful ones. As for forgiveness... It's truly a process about yourself. When you love and accept yourself, you'll be able to find forgiveness in others. My stepfather was very abusive, physically and emotionally, and I spent my entire childhood and most of my adolescence hating and blaming him. When I ran away, emancipated myself, and got some space, I learned to accept myself as a whole person, not just as a gay person. This allowed me to find peace and forgive him. I do not know about where your self esteem is, or your self-acceptance, but hopefully my story can help provide some insight. If I were you, I'd seek out accepting friends and start the relationships with honesty about yourself. LGBT groups are pretty much everywhere by now, I'd suggest you find the nearest one on google and go to a few meetings. Share your story with them if you're comfortable. It really will help. Peace begins within.
If you haven't noticed from these threads, we LGBTQ people seem to do a heck of lot more thinking about ourselves (and other things in the world) than other people! So you're part of the club. For me, one of the exciting things about coming out is realizing there is a heck of lot more of "me" in the closet that's waiting to explode out! I lived in a state of numbness, so damn unsure of myself, because in my mind I had to deal with the uncertainty and secrecy of being gay. I think, like KTWK (great post!), its not just about accepting me as gay, its about accepting so much more about me. I see myself as becoming more passionate, excited, and happy to live and reach out to the world.
I guess it's just something I have no control over anymore. I think (oops did it again) it plays a big role in being a perfectionist. Meditation and trying to stay busy helps a little but I tend to get bored very easy and then begin to ponder life's mysteries again. Thanks for the reply.
I know exactly how you feel. I sometimes say to myself that I wasn't meant to be born on this planet...I don't belong here.
I feel that way a lot. I even find myself doing research on aliens and such. I've always been interested in the unknown. But who isn't I guess.
agree with all above. Loneliness is no good. People used to make fun of me in grade school and highschool. Every time they dropped "f*g" or "qu**r" i would flinch for impact. but it never came. i still do that. like i am paranoid they will know and i will never get to have a BF. That falls in with overthinking your life. i do that all night. i generally need to go out somewhere public so i cant focus totally on me and my issues. i hope that helped.
